It’s outside now
Trying to come in
Trying my wits
Trying to take me

Can anybody hear it?
Lingering about my door
Hear it?
That incessant thump
Then the ticking
The knocking
Then the pounding
Or is that my heart?

I stare constantly at the wallclock
Fixated on the second hand
Fearing to look elsewhere
Lest I glimpse at my reality.
Besides, time is all I have
All I have to lose
Dulled by an array of drugs
Lulled by the ticking of my clock;
The only reliability left.
I can keep pace unless it is unplugged.

Yet It’s still outside
Knocking on my door
These past nine months
Of days, of hours, of minutes, of seconds
I know for I have counted them
On the road to never,
I watch my clock
Still waitng for it to happen

It’s outside still knocking, still waiting
To come in
To begin the ending
To erode me
To explode me
To road me to “where no man has ever gone”
At least not this man yet
“Save me, Captain Kirk!”

But I must not joke or poke fun
As funny as all this may seem
For no doubt he does want me
Wants for a sense of humour
Only has thirst and hunger and greed for me.

There are no fancy words for this
No flowery, esoteric, multi-syllabic ones;
No Haiku concision in this;
Only an epic struggle, like an Homeric poem;
Only me, wanting to go home.

Deathly quiet now.
I hear nothing but the deaf talking,
A twig cracks and a leaf ‘crustles’ nearby,
Surely it is Death walking and stalking me.

Then a knock, finally a knock
At least something to address!
But I am terrified that I ignored you,
That I palmed your winning card.
I could not afford even to split the pot; it was my life, not yours!
Yes I cheated, I cheated and bought some time.
So there you have it!

But I know you are still out there
Always
And next time
I am sure you will up the “ante”* and make me pay
The ultimate price.

12/26/2012