and i sat there
on the edge of that cold
pleather chair
remember it?
it only reclined half way
and would snap back into upright mode
whenever i moved an inch?

well, i sat there
leaning in to the doctor's words
hanging on every syllable
searching for an answer
to the why

and you lay on the bed,
with the safety rails up
were they scared you were going to bolt?
with the iv and the constant meds
you weren't going anywhere
so doped up and terrified
you would lose your toe
with tears in your eyes
awaiting to hear the doctor say
it would have to go

you kept coming back to the toe
i lost count
of how many times you asked about it
your damn toe

and all the while
the doctor is discussing
the possibility of
cancer
organ failure
stroke

death

and you kept coming back to the toe
i lost count
of how many times you asked about it
your damn toe

and all the while
the doctor is discussing
the tiny fact
that i may leave this god-forsaken place
without you
"prepare yourself for the worst"

and you kept coming back to the toe
i lost count
of the number of times you asked about it
that damned toe

and all the while
the doctor is explaining
tests to run
diseases to rule out
possible diagnosis
possibilities of widowhood after 13 months
since our "i do"

and as i sat there
in that cold pleather chair
and the part of my heart
that had loved you like no other
began to stop beating,
to prepare myself for the worst,
tunneling deep
to raise the wall high,
to prepare myself for the bloody worst
to protect myself from what may lie ahead.
i shut down the power switch
to my emotions
to my heart
all to prepare myself for the worst

and you kept coming back to the toe
i lost count
of the number of times you asked about it
that damned toe

and when the doctor returned
days later to announce
it wasn't as bad as he originally thought
i sighed in relief,
but the switch to my heart
never turned back on.
so forgive me my grief
i did not lose him physically
but i lost myself instead

10/31/2012

Author's Note: my therapist continues to encourage me to write about this horrible situation and all that has come from it... so here you go... and no, he didn't lose that blasted toe

Posted on 11/01/2012
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