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BANG!BANG! (A REWRITE)
by Tony WhitakerThe launch of dawn
Clouded gray
Creates this mornings’
Grim delay
Complete
There’s that awful sound
As my baby
Surely
Shot me
Down
So many years
We sailed above
On our sacred
Sea of love
But came a time
I did you wrong
Tried not
but fell
To
Persephone’s
Siren's
Song
Then I sense
some woeful sound
A mourning dove
Has gone aground
A bowman's barb
dropped me down
I see a spreading stain of blood
seems to surprise
my one true love
I'm so sorry for
This thing
I’ve done
Then I hear
Again that gun
A click
And then
That awful sound
As my baby
Surely
Shot me
Down
10/09/2011
Author's Note: I went back and reread the poem I posted yesterday and hated it. There was just a lot wrong with it. So I have rewritten it and now it conveys the meter and meaning.
Posted on 10/09/2011
Copyright © 2024 Tony Whitaker
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Shannon McEwen on 10/09/11 at 03:37 PM I think often we are more critical of ourselves than anyone. I didnt hate your first version, but like this version too! I admore anyone who will take another look and seek improvement, it's a hard thing to do on something you created. |
| Posted by Clara Mae Gregory on 10/09/11 at 05:54 PM I haven't read the other version...is it still up? I like this,though, and can imagine it turned to song..... |
| Posted by Lori Blair on 10/15/11 at 09:29 PM I loved the way this sounds read aloud..as well as the way you conveyed yourself..spoke right to me either way. Great write Tony |
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