The first time I tried to Off myself

by Andrea Colton

I tried it once. Only once.
or twice...
The first time, days were longer, tempers sorer.
Was it summer? I wouldn't doubt it.
But then again, the heat could have come from the
belly of an ashen boy
willing to rub a little for the sake of keeping good health.
In any case, I was certainly overheated. I tried to open me up but
steamy, watery stuff just trickled out and I was still left a little smoked.

I think that's when I lost it, you know. My thisness.
It ran away so fast I was left thumbing pictures through the dust
strategically placed behind on my skin.

You can see the predicament I was in.
I couldn't find it here. I couldn't find it there. I tried to coax it back with
two glasses of red wine, only two.
Or four...
I couldn't lure it in hook line and sinker. That just caught me sinking.
Either way someone would be left
to clean up the empty, midget neon orange candy holders,
although, happiness was always a little too large and chalky to swallow in one take.

So, after a daily dose of
self control
( See also: regurgitation, disgorgement)
I allowed an intoxicated and confused bottle of Jack
to drive right into my swollen white lips.
Oh but, it sure mixed me up inside...
It the shaker , I the ice.
There was really nothing
else. I could have played along or
lost my piece. Either way, it was bound to
check mate the piss outa me...

I was anchored, still.
(See also: immovable, stuck)
Wick-less candle is-to
spineless me.
I mean really, he only hated me a little better
than I hated myself. Yeah, yeah.
It ended up being just a perfectly good waste
of stomach fluid. I guess lethal just depends on how fast
you're willing to put your sins in the appropriate place.
Well, how would you like it if
your hair was all in knots and
smelled of tobacco and masochism?
I don't know.
Maybe it suits some people,
but it didn't suit me...


Posted on 09/11/2010
Copyright © 2019 Andrea Colton

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Stephan Anstey on 09/11/10 at 03:33 AM

really well written.

Posted by Aaron Michael on 04/01/11 at 04:51 AM

your parenthetical sections are something that I think should have been used throughout the piece, or not at all. When you divert attention from the words you are using to conjure other images, it seems to me that it would be a running theme from start to finish. the two portions where you used the idea (which was a good one, don't get me wrong, I like the contrasting thoughts of self control and regurgitation ;) because regurgitation does take some self control, ya know?) create a break in the flow of the imagery you're using otherwise. The first two stanzas flowed beautifully, and then the second two seemed to start, sputter darker images, and then start again. I don't know if that was what you had planned. If you planned it, it may just be brilliant, and I didn't catch it the first time. But looking back and thinking about having breaks like those in the first two stanzas would offset the darker imagery. That unity of opposites is truly beautiful. Poetically and philosophically speaking :) Nice write, chica. It's been a while since I've read your work. I see that I've been missing out something fierce.

Posted by Johnny Crimson on 10/16/13 at 03:29 PM

Vivid doesn't even begin to explain this. Great work.

Posted by Philip F De Pinto on 10/20/13 at 12:15 PM

marvelous work and usage of language.

Posted by George Hoerner on 10/27/13 at 12:40 AM

"a daily dose of self control", that must be what I use to get thru a day, but sometimes it too leaves me staggering from morning to night. I did enjoy the feeling of this write.

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