In my memories of you
I have forgiven.

but I am more to blame
than you.

I could see further.

I was conniving, cunning, creeping.

I found heat and I let you grow colder.

I made you seem crazy. I so believed in my lies.

How could you not. withdraw.

in your merry time escapes.

to our addictions. torches in the night.

I know now, we were both visiting the underworld.


Your mother no longer hates me secretly. I know this, without knowing.

I feel it. I hear her thinking

'if she had never...'

a prefix to an alternate ending
even I have wondered of.

So many things I regret.

As my life has become one contradiction atop another. a trap I set for myself.

I was so foolish. I wish I could tell you all the ways I'm dying.

how I've become estranged from the world.

it gnaws and gnaws. ready to spit me out.


Sometimes I can forget the alphabet.

all the acronyms I've learned.

when I recall a time when we were in love.

running wild and sleeping late -

into the early hours
of our American dream.

how I’d pull you up to my chin
like soft sheets on Sunday.

you'd wrap your loose braid
of muscles into mine.

We should have kept the baby.

We were so scared. so young.

We had accidentally created life,
and choose to hide it. to destroy it.

I know now, we were both visiting the underworld.

and I'm not sure we ever left.

06/11/2010

Author's Note:
Song Press Play - Max Richter 'New England'

Posted on 06/11/2010
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