Ain’t nothin’ worse than getting up
on a cold rainy morning and suddenly realizing
you’re getting extremely long in tooth
and you’ve turned
from being a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
Into just a plain old mud-slopping,
Methane flatulating, tired-ass dinosaur!!
You feel like you stepped into the fountain of youth,
And came out resembling the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Puffed out fat, chalky white untanned legs
And a silly hat to hide the bald spot.
You know you’re ancient when Mr. Stiffy
Is now really a chronic pain in your shoulder and back;
And not the manly chronic display in your Joe Boxer boxers.
Your memory is so bad you forget the color
Of your significant other’s eyes,
But you’ll always remember that Viagra pills are BLUE.
And with your luck you could write a book called’
“I Bounced a Check to Buy Viagra, But She Wasn’t in the Mood”
(And the book flops toooo)
And don’t get me started about male enhancement drugs …….
Every drug company is trying to market a generic version
Of it, and they can’t come up with a good medical sounding name.
Hmmmmmm….how about Mydixaflopin….or..Forkoxadrupin.
And why not in across the counter, liquid form…
Why you could pour yourself a real stiff one.
Hey bar keep…give me, one straight up…wheeeee…

But it’s really sad that on the national scene there is more
Money being spent on male enhancement drugs and breast augmentations
Than there is being spent on Alzheimer and geriatric research.
That means that in 15 years there’s going to be 10 million
Eighty year olds running around the country
With high and tight titties, and massive erections……..
And they won’t know what in the hell to do with any of them….

And don’t you love all those medical disclaimers you see on TV???

Try ‘Finger Fix’ and it kills all your toenail fungus….
Who gives who the finger??? “ If you have any of the unusual side effects,
Such as “heart palpitations, generalized swelling of the brain,
massive intestinal bleeding, cardial arrest or sudden death,
stop taking this product immediately and call for medical assistance;
“ HELLO 911, Could you send a meat wagon to 6969 Red Neck Lane,
Yes mam, I was putting Finger Fix on my toes
And I just DIED, God Damn It…
“Look I know you’re busy with other LIVING Souls..
so if you can’t HURRY, my cousin’s just going to
put me in the freezer, till you get here…it’s 105 outside…
Better yet, he’ll Hefty Bag me to the curb for tomorrows
Garbage Pickup…….(Bubba, throw a Stick-Up in there…
so ahs don’t offend The neighbors) Thanks Lady, gotta go….
everything kinda startin’ to turn black, I’m Commin’ Home
Momma, I’m commin’ Home…….

Only bad side effect I would like to see is that one that sez,
“If you have an erection lasting more than four hours,
call your Doctor….( Fat Chance)
I’m takin’ that Jewel down to the local watering hole….
“Ladies…Ladies…Ladies….Check out this long wearing
Never-have-to-say-you’re-sorry Model...…
…I’ll be in the Parking Lot… Please take a ticket
and I’ll call you’re Number… Paging Number six …”…

I digress a bit, because my brains a bit of a fuzz today…
Late last night I let my dogs out in the back yard
to relieve themselves before bed time…
I had to go pretty bad also…
So to save time I just stepped behind a bush in my darkened yard
To download an overloaded bladder…
.I forgot that it was the same place
Where I had done some trim work earlier that day……
Have you ever wee-wee’d on a weed-eater…..
…….That was still plugged in…..
It was a genuine honest-to-goodness real thrill, believe me
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Stiffy has left the building and I don’t know when he’ll be back…..Man did that feel GOOOOOOOOOOOD……

04/28/2009

Posted on 04/29/2009
Copyright © 2026 Fredrich Mohre