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Universal caveat (w/ gabriel ricard)

by Laura Doom


Forgive me for being
a hopeless romantic
and terminally old-fashioned,
but you have to be
the angriest broad
to ever stab me in the shoulder.

Huh, come on, that wasn't anger,
just me taking playfulness
a bit too far for a man of your...
uh - sensitivity.
Reckoned it was time for you
to cash in that chip,
so I decided to move
the decision-making process along.
Think of it as a token of affection.
Most guys I know
would have been grateful
I didn't twist on entry,
and you're most guys I know
rolled into one and a fraction
maybe a quarter, maybe a dime.
Something and nothing,
but who's counting anyway?
Figures never did me any favours.

I'm glad you feel that way,
because I wanted to mention
something about the way
I completely misunderstood
how beautiful you look.

I should have smashed
a couple more of those
red lights but good.

It probably would have
benefited us immensely
to stay in that dark room
and work on taking
some smarter dirty pictures.

Part of me wants to go back
to a couple of hours ago,
when we were content
to be staggeringly hammered
and infinitely content.

But a much larger part of me
has seen you smile over
breakfast and the sun digging
its heels into the small of my back.

Well, if I didn't know better
I might take that as sweetness
even savour it a little.
But we both know
the part that's in denial
has seen me throw up over breakfast
and simulate radiation sickness
on days the sun refused to rise.

Have you considered that
someday I might tire of running
as the candidate for
the sex-on-legs party?
For all I know
this is a sweetener,
and I'm just another job
begging for overtime,
waiving my non-union rights.
I don't see labour doing me any favours.

On a good day, we could be royalty,
treat this thing as a vocation,
you know - an extended holiday...

Sure, love.
Whatever you say, love.
However you feel, love.

Why stop at just a good day though?

We could strike the heart
of an extraordinary day
and laugh like Blanche Dubois
in a butterfly net built
for one and a half.

But to be totally honest,
to go for something refreshingly
different from last night
I see that happening,
sometime between the advent
of commercial-free TV
and world peace breaking out.

In any case,
just get your things
and get the hell out of here.

I think I need to see a doctor,
and you sure as hell
ain't no doctor.

Well at least you got something right.
Not that it would help you none,
no doctor this side of science fiction
has a cure for the state you're in.

You never really struck me
as being the violent type,
but now I can see
the other side of the picture.
Which reminds me...
I want those negatives before I go.

Take them.
Just take them.

But at least have the decency
to leave the way I think
we came in at last night.

At least have the decency
to leave your phone number
for another rainy day.

You know,
just in case I still can't learn
from my consistent mistakes.

12/04/2008

Author's Note: Once again, it was gabe's dubious privilege to nurse me through the literary process with his usual desiccated humour and infinite patience :>
It would be churlish of me not to mention his exceptional creative writing talents, but I won't because, well, that's just the way I am...

Posted on 12/04/2008
Copyright © 2022 Laura Doom

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Charlie Morgan on 12/04/08 at 04:09 PM

...you two! don't make me come over there!...i decided that colour didn't matter, i was swept away with the norm'l pathos o' living...cool!

Posted by Ava Blu on 12/04/08 at 05:26 PM

I'd like to be able to write like this with someone. While I could pick out multiple lines I'd consider to be perfect, these do something unexplainable to me: "I'm glad you feel that way, because I wanted to mention something about the way I completely misunderstood how beautiful you look."

Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 12/04/08 at 06:21 PM

I'd say you carried him, but that's just one man's opinion.

Posted by Elizabeth Jill on 12/07/08 at 01:20 AM

you really know how to show us the sound and it is always a pleasure being your reader, Miss Doom. Both you and Gabe marvel the mind, marvel. ~ Jill (and sometimes there is this evening sound)

Posted by Morgan D Hafele on 12/08/08 at 12:20 AM

well, i think i'll put it simply here, you guys kick butt and this piece is like 'damn!'

Posted by Trisha De Gracia on 12/08/08 at 08:23 AM

Sounds like a version of that christmas song "I really can't staaay, but baby it's cold outside"... gone horribly, wonderfully wrong :)

Posted by Johnny Crimson on 12/10/08 at 07:23 PM

This was great you two. Good job.

Posted by Scott Utley on 12/10/08 at 10:47 PM

This is very inspiring to me - the two of you make love ever so coyly (a ping-pong match with our continent the table underneath - It feels like courtship between two virgins ~ if you ask me... how would know that? Guessing - Never been one seen one except in national geographic -

Posted by Tony Whitaker on 12/11/08 at 04:22 AM

Ah, such dramatic structure in switching from comedy to tragedy. Shakespeare would have loved this retold tale of Romeo and Juliet. Now who gets the poison? Brilliant!

Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 12/13/08 at 04:02 PM

Very entertaining read Laura and Gabriel. Works well and overcomes the pitfalls of two different writers working together on a single piece. I especially like the sarcasm and cynicism of this stanza: But to be totally honest, to go for something refreshingly different from last night I see that happening, sometime between the advent of commercial-free TV and world peace breaking out.

Posted by Joan Serratelli on 03/21/09 at 12:10 PM

Great collaboration, written in Gabe's influence. Interesting story- held my attention. Although it is a definite departure from your norm, it is still a Great write!

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