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(Praying for the) Courage of Consequence
by Alison McKenzieI stand before the mirror,
Trying to see the Mother
Of your formative years,
The harsh juxtapose of
Your renditions -
Injury-filled childhoods,
Scrapes and screaming,
Piles of dirty laundry
Too thick to sort out,
Macaroni and cheese dinners,
And the undone dishes
Thrown once in a rage,
My constant unhappy presence
Punctuated later by
My constant absence.
I do remember vaguely,
But in my own mind,
Ive tried to minimize her,
Cut her down to manageable.
Ive tried even harder
To bury that woman once and for all,
So miserable back in those days that
Suicide crossed my mind a minimum
Of twice a day, often more,
And some days were so bad,
The obsessional thought
Wouldnt leave my bleeding heart at all,
My desire to make things better for you
So strong that I could only think
You might actually be better off
Without me to darken your days.
Ive been unsuccessful in my attempts
To hold that point of view
Long enough to reconcile my intentions
With the reality of what you all must have felt,
And I cant bring myself, yet, to face those rooms
Locked doors, the key
Set aside for a later confrontation.
But I know its coming
And Ive begun to pray for
The courage and the fortitude
To face your realities,
Your wounds, your accusations,
Without any feeble explanations,
Let my defenses down
And let you all back in somehow.
Through all these years
Id held a space in my heart
For my real memories of happy times together
With the grit of coinciding difficulties,
And for what I really meant to bring
Into your lives
Hope and strength and unconditional love.
Yet it all dims in the light
Of your evidence,
The damning reality of
Guarded communications and
Crippled relationships.
Id also held a space in my heart to forgive myself,
But can there be any justifiable gladness
For the harm I didnt cause,
Despite the harm you experienced?
For the demons I managed to chase away
Despite the lesser ones unleashed?
For the untold battles I fought and won,
Despite the ones I lost?
For the unselfish decisions
Despite the self-serving ones?
For knowing I loved you more than my own life
Despite the scarcity manifest in your hearts?
The space for that grows smaller over time -
Plaque of guilt lining the vessels inside,
Thick as a flutter,
The struggle of irregular rhythm
On the edge of reconciliation.
11/27/2008 Author's Note: As the youngest of my children near the beginning of their adult journeys, I find deep disappointment in myself as the realization of deep resentments that some of my children harbor towards me comes to light, and wondering how in the world I can ever make it ok.
Posted on 11/27/2008
Copyright © 2025 Alison McKenzie
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Gregory O'Neill on 11/27/08 at 08:13 PM Hi Alison. This is wonderfully ponderous, must feel good to get the feelings onto paper. I don't know if any other topic can ben so concerning.....we love them and must let the go, and grow and realize all the risk and good that can come from it. Great clearlty in this poem. Thanks. |
| Posted by Charles E Minshall on 11/27/08 at 11:16 PM They will one day realize the love you have for them and will return that love. Well written Ali. We went through a bad time with our children. They finally saw the light and everything is wonderful now...CharMin |
| Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 11/28/08 at 03:58 PM I have to agree with Gregory that it probably helps to get this down on paper - which you have done with such grace. I suspect that as your kids move further into adulthood and parenthood they will understand you and your actions better. |
| Posted by A. Paige White on 11/28/08 at 04:51 PM This is deeply touching, sweet Ali. Every mother must go through these introspections when some instance of unhealed wounds resurface. I truly feel for you. Having spent yesterday with both of mine and soaking up their forgiving love for me made me so filled with gratitude. They really do at some point let go of our mistakes. Usually it waits until they're faced with where they have made some with all the best intentions. Hang in there. |
| Posted by James Zealy on 11/28/08 at 05:00 PM One can only speak from a sense of real perspective Ali. I like to think I have that, as my 3 are now 31, 29 and 26. If things do not go well at home, and in our house at times it was much less than optimal, it is a common event for what you described to occur. When your children have lived their own lives a little, then some of this resentment and anger will dissipate. It is so easy to judge when there is no experience to rely on. My oldest was estranged from us for several years, before he realized a lot of his issues were of his own making. My daughter has always been close. My middle child has had the most emotional issues, but recognizes that his family is always there for him. The only answer to this quandry is time Ali. |
| Posted by Charlie Morgan on 11/28/08 at 08:17 PM ...yes ali to all the above, a moment of penning a lifetime of thoughts/cares...i so agree w/ all the peeps above i.e. you echo a parent's growth, and hopefully like CharMin says yin will become yang and ta da!...i yearn for the same thing, too bad that didn't come with the degree from Texas, she is still wonderful, just daddies moooooove slowly out of the picture...in small ways, you know like when she was 6 or 7 and i invented the Sun...but still my mama and daddy do NOT know how much i 'preciated them, though i was verbal and acted so, soo still it was neve enough, never...love to you gal. |
| Posted by Mo Couts on 06/22/11 at 04:41 AM I've found that, instead of wondering what you can do to make old hurts 'okay', you can just make sure to tread lightly to avoid causing new hurts. Knowing that you care is going to mean the world to them (even if they don't say so) and I think that if you show this to them, they'll understand more than they thought possible. At any rate, this is a lovely writing, full of a mother's love =) |
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