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There's Plenty of Protein in Earthworms
by Rusty C Arquette
My younger brother Jon,
like most kids,
loved to put things in his mouth
tasting everything within arms length
of course this isnt always for the best
some wont see their teens
because they decided to taste test
something of a toxic nature
Oleander is pretty, but makes lousy tea
and suddenly
its check out time
remember your mom yelling,
dont put that in your mouth!
with a note of panic in her voice?
Jon got that all the time
its funny though
because when it came to eating
you couldnt get the kid to eat
at gun point
yet until age seven
he was open to ingesting
dirt, boogers, scraps off the floor,
insects of all shapes and sizes
worms from under the oak tree
in our front yard
organics found on the cat
and the dog
quite a varied menu
for such a young connoisseur
of every day crud
once at the beach
we found him
in the center of a cluster
of staring tourists
when mom got to him
to see what the attraction was
he was opening coquinas
and eating them raw
from the shells
grinning as the assembled
groaned or laughed
at this Puckish gnomes
choice of snacks
yet he couldnt eat
Brussels sprouts
or spinach
without gagging
once he ate
almost and entire package
of Ex-Lax
and spent two days
in the bathtub
but thats a story
that needs to be told
all on its own
another time
the Victrola needle
disappeared out of the
little portable record player
we played with
it was a formidable spike
like a large pencil lead
sharpened to a point
I told mom it was gone
she hunted for it
saw Jon standing in a diaper
with a grin on his face
and franticly drove to
the hospital to have
him x-rayed thinking hed
swallowed it
it was a false alarm
we found it between the
cracks in the floorboards
when we got home
yet on another occasion
he swallowed a magnet
that was in a pot-holder
stuck on the side of
the refrigerator
a rectangular box shape
about the size of a Pez
it had some sharp corners
mom was worried it
might hurt him
she couldnt get
Sam Kaplan, our family MD,
but the guy behind us was
a dentist
he said feed him lots of
soft foods, like bread, jello,
pudding, and mashed potatoes
and then check his excretions
his words, not mine
to see if it had passed
Jon was told to let mom
know when he had to
take a dump
my words, not his
so he could come and squat
over an old white porcelain
coated metal basin
that mom kept for
soaking her feet
and make his deposit
he did this for a
a couple of long days
while mom diligently cut up
the malodorous mess
searching for the elusive magnet
until late on the afternoon
of the second day
as her baby boy managed
to pinch off a healthy
offering
a distinct CLUNK
was heard as the magnet
dropped and clamped to
the metal basin
Eureaka!
theres a magnet
in them thar stool!
another crisis had
been averted in the life
of an oral compulsive
as he grew older
this compulsion transferred
to beer bottles
and the neurotic drive
for devouring
any and all female breasts
that came within his grasp
mom did say at one point
she thought all ongoing tasting
was because she was dry
when he came along and
he never got enough
of the old teat to
satisfy his oral needs
I used to remind him
of his unearthly cravings
especially when his love life
had hit a dry spell
telling him if he couldnt
get some poor woman to hold
still long enough for him to
get a lip lock on her
there were alternatives
plenty of protein in earthworms!
he never laughed
02/11/2004 Author's Note: What can I say?...The kid was weird! (chuckle)
Posted on 10/09/2008
Copyright © 2024 Rusty C Arquette
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Charles E Minshall on 10/09/08 at 03:18 AM Very funny Rusty. I went the Exlax route once
when I was a youngster. I pass on the others though except for the breasts....CharMin |
| Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 10/09/08 at 04:13 AM A wonderful, humorous story, man. An excellent read. |
| Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 10/09/08 at 04:42 AM You had to include the worm photo - ewwwwww... ;) My sympathies to your mom. Great story telling, RCat. |
| Posted by Maria Terezia Ferencz on 10/09/08 at 10:48 PM This is one of those, oh no I don't want to know BUT I HAVE TO KEEP READING.....you got me, I could not stop. Earmark of a good tale. Love the photo also. |
| Posted by Quentin S Clingerman on 10/11/08 at 12:51 AM And Jon is not here to defend himself!! LOL!! Hilarity from the master story teller! |
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