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I AM NOT!

by Kristi Paik

I am not!
I remember screaming at my brothers friends one day
When they told me I was a girl and I should be inside
Watching them play with the rest of the girls
Pretending that one of them is my boyfriend
And we are married with babies and a house to maintain.

Of course, I am in fact a girl. But not that kind of girl. I am not.

I am not!
I sarcastically mummbled
As a teen
When my mom called me a self-centered
Spoiled brat who would never
Amount to anything but a girl
With too much to say
And no one to listen to her.

Naturally, looking back, I may have been at the time. But still…I am not.

I am not!
I once said to my first serious lover
When he told me that I was unemotional
I stood and shrugged my shoulders
While he picked a fight
When most girls would scream at him
And break up repeatedly with him
Only to call a few hours later
And make up.

Of course, he was wrong. He would hurt me and I would suck it in, but he could never know it. I am not.

I am not!
I said to them
defending my habit while they claimed
I was an addict
Off too much caffeine, nicotine, and bum magnets
That true friends are valiant enough
To say to my face instead of those
who close their doors and wait
to speak of all my dependences

Truthfully, I could stop at any moment.
Just let me hang up the phone with this loser
while I flick my Red away and down the last drop of my macchiato.
I am not.

My whole life I have been told who I am
Or what I should do.
It makes me laugh.
The same people dishing advice need it
More than those they give it to.

I’ll tell you who I am when I know for sure. For now, I am not whatever you think I am.

I am not!

11/27/2007

Author's Note: A work in progress.

Posted on 11/27/2007
Copyright © 2024 Kristi Paik

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Joe Cramer on 11/27/07 at 10:26 PM

Outstanding!!! Quite evocative......

Posted by Cassandra Leigh on 11/28/07 at 01:29 AM

i LOVE the theme of this poem. "I am NOT!" just evokes an image of a stubborn little girl stamping her foot in frustration... but a little girl who knows exactly what she wants and is and feels, unconcerned with what her accuser is saying beyond that it's WRONG. That's a quality too many of us girls lose as we get older. We start caring what people think and maybe crying instead of stamping our feet. This is great. Made me feel good. Thanks.

Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 11/28/07 at 04:10 AM

I like where it's going. Hopefully, you'll finish this.

Posted by Jared Fladeland on 03/13/08 at 02:26 PM

very interesting, the whole "i know what I am" vs. "no, this is what you are".

Posted by Ryan Nardi on 06/26/08 at 03:24 PM

Something strong happening here. I see the bit about the coffee and cigarettes coming earlier. Its fits well, but there are other parts that are stronger and would serve as a better lead up to the end. Eithewr way though, it's a fantastic piece.

Posted by Joan Serratelli on 03/12/09 at 07:55 PM

Loved the last stanza, and the repetivness of "I am NOT! This is really great work and in my opinion, not a"work in progress" Excellent!

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