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Give Me Back Myself
by Rusty C Arquette
I lost me
the jester in the grin
pressed into the fly paper
beneath the couch
beneath the floorboards
a chalked outline
on the ground
maybe frightened
maybe heavy eyed
on the edge
of fractured sleep
lying alone
in the dark
in the artificial coolness
with painful electric skin
wanting to be left
untouched
within the quiet
breathing out
breathing in
then I learned
about the alchemy
in the orange plastic
forest on the dresser
numbers, colors, shapes
holding something
lighter than air
powders and elixirs
in caps and tabs
sacraments upon
my snaking tongue
shoved me into twilight
made sure I was numb
made damn sure
I was numb
Im no longer sad
or angry
or frustrated
no longer plagued
with useless anxieties
frankly,
Im barely me at all
neither moved or unmoved
neither caring or careless
no laughs, no tears,
no joys, no fears,
relieved of the negative
the positive disappeared
as well
oh,
but I think Im happy
at least it seems that way
though this haze
this pharmaceutical castration
of the right and left side
of my muddled brain
there may be no joy
within me
but then at least there
is no pain
I think Id like me back
but then Im really
not that insane
I have to laugh
but I dont know why
give me back myself
Id like to scream
but I cant seem to cry
give me back myself
I keep saying
from inside my head
from the edge
of fractured sleep
lying alone
in the dark
in the artificial coolness
with painful electric skin
wanting to be left
untouched
within the quiet
breathing out
breathing in
give me back myself
breathing out
breathing in
give me back myself
breathing out
breathing in
give me back myself
breathing out
breathing in
10/08/2006 Author's Note: Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease...
Posted on 10/09/2006
Copyright © 2024 Rusty C Arquette
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Angela Nuzzo on 10/09/06 at 04:12 AM This is beautiful, Rusty. I have close relatives who suffer from depression & when their meds are switched or they go into a spiral, it is very hard to watch. Great description of the pills taking effect. The phrase "pharmaceutical castration" is perfect. I like the ending -breathing in & out. That's all anyone can do sometimes. Nice job. :) |
| Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 10/09/06 at 04:19 AM I am thankful to not have to take pills that numb me - I hear from others this is what they can do. This describes just what they say. A catch 22. |
| Posted by Joan Serratelli on 10/09/06 at 12:03 PM I agree totally with your author's notes. The cure IS worse than the disease. I've battled depression ALL my life. It's a horrible, losing battle with no end and certainly no winners. You described the battle well. Thank you! |
| Posted by Maria Terezia Ferencz on 10/09/06 at 02:59 PM Wow I can see the manic-depressive in this, but I also see a burn victim, a coma patient or a paralytic.....
I hear low moaned whispers of please pull the plug....this is the sound the mind makes when trapped in an unsound body or trapped in the valley of the dolls.....
Awesome awesome work, exactly how it feels.......I have been there. |
| Posted by Charles E Minshall on 10/10/06 at 03:00 AM Tis true the cure can be worse than the disease.
Well done Rusty.....Charlie |
| Posted by Gregory O'Neill on 10/10/06 at 10:46 PM Dear Dr.RCatski, Voltaire said, " The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease." Maybe that's all perscriptions do?? Enjoyed the read. Thanks. |
| Posted by Quentin S Clingerman on 10/11/06 at 12:20 AM A really frightening look at what drugs can do! |
| Posted by Gregory O'Neill on 10/27/06 at 07:19 PM Excellent potd, Rusty. And words must surely be counted among the most powerful drugs ever invented! Congrats. |
| Posted by Michelle Angelini on 10/28/06 at 03:28 AM RCat, you describe this so well. Excellent and right to the point. It's all so crazy that sometimes nothing makes sense, just like you have here. Congratulations on POTD!
~Chelle~ |
| Posted by Charles E Minshall on 10/28/06 at 03:41 AM Congratulations on poem of the day Rusty....Charlie |
| Posted by Leslie Ann Eisenberg on 10/29/06 at 06:03 AM this is such a moving and provocative piece, i don't even know what to say, except 1) call me and i'll explain for 10 minutes why i love it, and 2)adding to favorites! belated congrats on POTD. PK |
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