i want to be able to scream in public. stop feeling so fucking inhibited all the time. i want to grab the faces of old men, bring their eyes so close to mine they must squint, kiss their cheeks, ask them what it means to live, because i have not, have not, have not. to embrace whatever void or hole or gaping pit that embodies what it is that i have existed in up until now. to change unbridled for my own well-being so as not to be forever high off my own suffering. to escape the delusion of every lie i feed to myself under covers when the rest of the world lies sleeping in twin beds, under safe sheets, with night-lights and wilting flowers. nothing in this world can i control except myself. every morsel counted with an unsturdy palm, every twisted syllable off a silver tongue spun with words that i will never truly understand, but must speak all the same. disgusting little knobs of skin hanging off in sacs of flesh, i pick and poke and prod and plea for something to just break inside of me. to better myself, to be concrete, to not blend. i always colored outside the lines, drew pictures in the margins. it caused upset, smart in spite of it. i lay still under a heaving body who grabs my breasts and twists them like machinery knobs, and i sink my teeth into a bared neck and the motions are monotony because they are with a man that is not you. and i feed off coffee-induced visions of speedy realization, clean clean clean, surfaces and body, mind and heart. everything must go, the clutter must be washed away. there's just so much and i am so afraid, so delirious, so hell-bent on fucking up, and drinking it all away. to render every oncoming wasted weekday, bedroom eyes and hardened nipples won't suffice for me anymore. stop looking at me, stop looking at me, you don't know me and you never did. you stare dead on and say that i'm being too deep for you, and i'd like to hook a punch so fierce i'd knock you off your chair and shake your confidence. i will not wait around for stroked egos and hair by your hand any longer. i will stop this starvation. i won't induce the depletion of my sanity with retroactive reasons for my downfall anymore. at least not for tonight. tonight i've decided to change.

12/24/2005

Posted on 12/25/2005
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