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I Can't Even Settle On My Own Name, Let Alone My Poem's

by Amy Wustrin

I used to make poetry
Out of the poison in my mind
I'm far too weary
For any of that now

Words and phrases swim
Around my mind
And I make no effective use of them

I just drift
In and out of consciousness
Back and forth from apathy to outrage

All the while
Thoroughly unconvinced
That any of it matters at all

I've grown bitter
Distrustful
And very detatched form myself

I just want to give up
Pack my bags and go home
Take my losses and call it a Life

I haven't lost my faith in God
But any self-assurance I had
Is lost in some hallway
At North Rockland High School
And they no longer welcome
Alumni back for visits
So I can't even go look
For it

Or me
A girl I knew so well
With an extreme passion
For everything she did
And a wide open heart
Conspicuously displayed
on her sleeve where it belonged
Neon signs flashing all around
"Welcome. Stay A While. Come Again Soon."

Who is this woman
That replaced that girl?
Who is this fumbling
Fearful idiot
Taking over and breaking apart
All the love I worked so hard to sustain
All the beauty I saved up through the years
Like dispair is some sort of
Up and coming trend
All the rage in Paris
And suddenly fitting in is a priority?

She can't possibly be Sara
Who loved, indeed, like it was never going to hurt
Even when she had it
On good authority
That it most certainly would

Who would have thrown her arms
Around the whole wide world
If she ever got the chance

Who wanted to live life to its fullest
And who, upon coming to that conclusion
Went ahead and did it
Like a true America Girl ought to

This woman is an alter-ego
A thin shell of a formerly vibrant soul
A formerly beating heart
Not dead
But not living
A jealous bitch, if I do say so myself
And I'm very unhappy with her

She must be Amy
She's got to go
I'm a desparate psycho ex-boyfriend
And I want my Sara back
Because I have to figure out
What to do with the rest of my life
But Amy is a stranger to me
And I can't choose a stranger's future

07/27/2005

Author's Note: Forgive me. I'm just trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Posted on 07/27/2005
Copyright © 2020 Amy Wustrin

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Paul Marino on 07/28/05 at 09:29 PM

wow, no, no apologies necessary. i love it, feel the same about myself. no need to change any of your language, it's how you feel. i love the title also. i've been in the same mode of discovery.

Posted by Jersey D Gibson on 07/29/05 at 09:08 PM

Sometimes things aren't wrong, sometimes they aren't right; sometimes you've just got to make the omelette with all those bitter broken eggs. It sucks :(

yer pal

Jersey

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