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On the Edge, Determined - I

by Rula Shin

I woke up sleepy, though determined
Happy to be breathing

Anger and anxiety
Suddenly make an appearance,
Intentional heavy footsteps
And slamming doors
Raging loudly downstairs

I walk on the edge
Sensing the shift of mood
Assuming a hasty, predetermined course
Tempted by anger, sadness, and hurt
I see my face sour

Ha! But Why!?
When the line is so thin?
Only moments ago I was so determined
On the ‘right’ side
Resolved not to cross the line
How now do I so easily justify
The ‘wrong’ side?

Avoiding is always better
Than having to walk back,
Conscious application does the trick
When one remembers to remember,
If one IS in a conscious progression
Of intentional behavior

Yes, that’s my ticket,
That's what I am beginning
To realize...

05/18/2005

Posted on 05/19/2005
Copyright © 2024 Rula Shin

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Kara Hayostek on 05/19/05 at 05:25 PM

Neat poem, I love the feel of it. I like the intentional decision to not let anger and sadness get the best of you and instead you choose to have a good day.

Posted by Christina Bruno on 05/19/05 at 11:34 PM

*claps* i think this is awesome! i can relate and i love the first two stanza they draw you in, sometimes i feel like i have one foot on one side and one on the other and ready to fall flat on my face lol

Posted by Tricia Marie Miel on 05/20/05 at 03:28 PM

I enjoy how you capture the duality of human emotion, and how it takes the subtlest stimulus to change a mood from good to bad. You're right, "conscious application does the trick" :)

Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 05/20/05 at 04:20 PM

Rula, although I found the message of the poem got somewhat lost in that second last stanza, the rest is terrific. Evocative exercise in action/reaction, and worthy reminder not to let others push our buttons. Super close-off as well.

Posted by Ashok Sharda on 05/21/05 at 11:51 PM

Yes, on the edge as 'the line is too thin,' and in an instant the face may turn sour. This is an account of this conflict you have gotten into intentionally - 'I woke up sleepy, though determined'. This conflict is the only way to attain inner unity - yes, your 'ticket'. This conflict seems an ongoing conscious battle with a predetermined decision to WIN. Interestingly, we ought to announce our WIN even before getting into the ring, challenging the opponent, more powerful than this INTENDING SELF, owing to their umpteen energy sources registered and reinforced in the past. Where does this INTENDING SELF draw her energy to challenge this multitude of opponents and predetermine the WIN? The energy seems to generate from the determination that predetermines the WIN. I SEE this impeccable warrior in you, walking into the ring with the smile of a winner, throwing challenges to all the opponents within you who had been living you as you, so far. This is a long drawn battle as the opponents are powerful in the wake of their umpteen energy sources in the shape of associations, particularly of emotional nature. If one is not conscious, not determined, and has not decided to predetermined one's WIN, one is bound to live on the 'wrong' side. Yes, the line is too thin between a yes and a no. What is needed is a continuity in our endeavor, a constant vigilant observing self to hold us in the spur of the moment from reacting to those associations which can energized those unwanted selves in an instant, capable of making us cross the line in no time, detrimental to the very survival of this INTENDING SELF. And yes, 'Avoiding is always better than having to walk back'. I appreciate this conscious approach, a watchful and alert presence from moment to moment, as the only way to avoid such associations, associated to these undesired selves.

Posted by Alison McKenzie on 05/22/05 at 05:18 PM

I find it to be the greatest challenge, to form my own intentions despite the outer influences. It's soooooo challenging. And in some cases, it's been effective to remove myself from those influences, if they do not compliment my heart's desire. It's difficult if the negative outer influences involve your own children, or the other parent of those children. But I am discovering that it is still possible to maintain MY own intentions even if I am surrounded by conflicting intentions. I love your thought processes lately!

Posted by Max Bouillet on 05/30/05 at 10:34 AM

Intentional behavior is a behavior. It is not core, but contrived. By allowing ourselves to align with what is, we do not need to worry about what was or could be. If this is not what we want, then we need to drop our attachment to what we think we need be and just be. Great verse that gets ya thinking. ;)

Posted by Laura Doom on 06/03/05 at 03:40 PM

Well, as one who talks a good retrospective fight, I also love to read one that's worth fighting, or avoiding one that's merely gratuitous. Consistency and flexibility, resolution and compromise - fine lines that don't respond to ultra-pro-psychotic lotions...I was barely breathing, and happy to be woken from my recursive reverie - deep footprints on my consciousness :>

Posted by Veronica Phoenics on 12/03/13 at 10:59 AM

Very nice, the lurching rhythm gives shape and application to the meaning. Powerful write!

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