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Quietly, To Myself

by Amy Wustrin

I used to love him once
But it was quietly, to myself
And by "quietly, to myself," of course,
I mean at the top of my lungs
To everybody but him

I was 17
And so afraid
That we would hate each other
Or love each other
Or stay together and grow old
Or lose each other and fall apart

So I left it to the Discretion of Christ
Of course
And prayed and begged and pleaded
"I love him, Lord, and I want to be with him
But You tell me, Lord
Is the time right?
Is the place right?
Is the boy right?"

I wanted to know
Because I only wanted the best for us
If there was ever meant to be an "us"
I wanted blessings for us
I wanted respect and faith and love for us
Both ways, if you please
And I wanted it all to be in God's Hands

But Father, Son, Holy Ghost
He let me fall in love
But he told me to keep still about it
And He said it in His own Words
And He said it three times
Once, I suppose, for all three Persons embodied in Him

"I adjure you, daughters of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles and hinds of the field,"
He told me,
"Do not arouse, do not stir up love
Before its own time.

He told me in the Song Of Songs
Chapter 2, Verse 7
I read it once and couldn't
No, wouldn't believe
I couldn't imagine that this was the Answer
The Good Lord had to have something more to say

Chapter 3, Verse 5
There is was again
If it spoke to my heart the first time
It was hollering its lungs out this time
And I became angry, at God, of all People
And kept on reading, demanding that The Almighty change His mind
(Love can make you bold
Yes it can
Yes it can)
And promising I'd behave myself if He did
"Just please, I love him Lord, don't let this be it."
(Love can make you desperate
Yes it can
Yes it can)

And again I read

Chapter 8, Verse 4
A third verse
The same words
There was no more denying it
No more rage
No more hope that my love could see the light

Begrudgingly, I accepted this
I sighed a bit
Contemplated rebellion
Remembered the fates of fallen angels past
And sighed a final time
Wiping tears from my heartbroken, salt-stained eyes
And stifling sobs as I offered my consession speech

"It's cute how you used that same line 3 times.
Ok. I get it. You're telling me no.
But if it's hurting *me* this much,
I imagine *you* must be in agony.
::sniffle::
I'm sorry about that.
I appreciate it too.
So how about if I try not to be mad at you forever about this
And you try and help me deal with this without going crazy?"

And that was it
For me
For us

He remained, for me, a dear dear friend
As I finished my senior year
Pining, but at peace
Knowing that for as much as it tore me apart
At least I was doing what wa right
For myself and for him
But more importantly, for him
And Him

In the long months that carried us
To June 12th, 2001
The last time we would meet in our natural high school habitat
Little by little, my Lord
He revealed why my love was permitted
But the love affair, forbidden
Little by little, I saw
That we would not have handled it
Very well at all
And all my hopes for us
The blessings and the faith
The respect and the love
Would have been shattered and wasted
By the carelessness and ignorance of youth

We would have loved each other, in our hearts
Pefectly, completely
But we never could have fathomed
Just how to show it
It was bigger than us
And better left for God to sort out

I continued loving him
Quietly, to myself
At the top of my lungs
To everybody but him
For quite some time

It was never really a secret between us
Just a reality we knew better than to call out

I loved him long distances through time and space and separation
Through graduation
Through him moving away
Through losing touch
Through my first year of college
And a semester after that
At the same force I started with

I believed in us the whole time
The possibilties, the promise our love could hold
If only given the chance
And I believed we would have that chance

I never faultered
I never waivered
We would be together one day
That was just the way it was
No matter what happened, we would see our chance
Our time would come
One day, it would be right
It had to
It just had to

These days I've grown out of such foolishness
These day's I am not 17
These day's I realize
He's gone
And I'm gone
And we are not for each other
We were through before we started, of course
And nothing but nothing will have our paths cross again

But looking back, there's one thing
I *will* always know
My love was true
My love was pure
My love was selfless

I loved him quietly, to myself
Becuase I only wanted it known if it was right
Not just for me
I never did care very much for myself
But for him
If he could not be with me
And come away the better for it
Then he deserved better
So very much better

Lord God, You had our backs then
I hope You've at least got his back now
I hope he's found the love that's right.

01/21/2005

Author's Note: So many three's are in the Bible. And one was right for me. So many men are in the world. And none is right for me.

Posted on 01/21/2005
Copyright © 2024 Amy Wustrin

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Michele Schottelkorb on 01/21/05 at 02:10 PM

so sad, reflective and blessed in faith... excellent read... i hope someday you find him... blessings...

Posted by Shonda Creemer on 01/22/05 at 04:07 AM

I really love this. Thank you so much for sharing.

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