I remember
smiling politely
giving you a kiss
wanting to run away
forcing myself to walk slowly
then washing my hands
soap and soap and more soap
I didn't want to tell you
but it made me sick
I cried because
I was just a heartbeat
just blood flowing
just breathing in and out
just skin and bones
with no soul
and it made me sick
I washed them four times
and cried in the bathroom
alone with your stain
as you reclined happily
satisfied and calm
I washed my hands
but it never really went away

08/02/2004

Author's Note: Koye says his remembering is accidental. it hurts so why would he do it on purpose? but I have trained myself to forget. if a memory hurts, I neglect to think about it. so when I was talking to him about memory, I decided to remember. and thinking about things from the side I'm on now opened some doors.

it's a testament to my stupidity that I didn't understand what was going on at the time. the worst feeling in the world is feeling like a piece of flesh with no soul or heart or feelings, no insides. and no matter how many times you wash your hands, that feeling isn't going away because it's not a physical feeling. there should be a way to wash your soul.

Posted on 08/02/2004
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