Once

now

I think I remember.

I hated something
terribly.
Life.
Right.
That was it.
I hated life.
Everything about it
and the way it crushed me
bit
by
bit.
They way I was running
constantly
endlessly
for a finish line
that couldn't exist.
I remember feeling
like I couldn't live
or be happy
long enough
for it to really matter.

I didn't think a second of joy
really meant anything,
the way I do now.

And so I grabbed a gold chain
my brother's
his father's.
He'd left it
when he moved away.
I wrapped it around my wrist
exposed the rough edge
where the old links
were still shiny and sharp.
*breathe in, breathe out*
and I dragged it
hard
against my skin
of the opposite forearm
and the pain balanced out.
What was on the inside
was on the outside too
almost...

almost...

I scraped at my flesh
till the skin was raw
and red
but I didn't see
the red I was expecting,
never saw the crimson drain.
"stupid stubborn blood."
I thought.
It was taunting me
on the other side
of now translucent flesh
laughing at my tears
because I couldn't coax it out of me
I couldn't control it.
I wouldn't bleed.
And I collapsed on my bed
angry
frustrated
sick of it.

I slept
intent on agony
preventing
my wake.

.
.
.

beep!
beep!
beep!
SLAM!

Morning came
*in... out...*
I opened my eyes

and saw the sun
for the first time
in ages.

04/24/2003

Author's Note: A memory...

Posted on 04/25/2003
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