The Journal of Kimberly Bauer

Anxiety, panic, shortness of breath, oh my!
04/17/2015 01:42 a.m.
Today: Anxiety.
More specifically, panic attacks.

It starts small. I stir around the apartment, exhausted from a ridiculously long and arduous day at work. I can't think of anything to do. I don't want to do anything. But I can't just sit here. But I can't move. This apartment needs to be cleaned. I can't stand how everything looks right now. I'm too exhausted to clean. I decide to start small and kick my dog out of my bedroom so i can properly clean without distraction. I stand in the corner by my dresser. I fidget. I take off my socks. I change pants. Why is my hair down? I can't stand the way my hair feels on my neck right now. Everything would be okay if my house was clean and my hair wasn't touching my neck. I look for a hair tie, to no avail. I decide to get back to the task of cleaning. I stand back in the corner. My breath gets short, Not. Enough.Air. Something is just not right and once i figure it out I will feel better. I make the bed. I throw away old pop cans. I clean up my dogs toys. I move to the kitchen and i wipe the counters. That's it. That;s all that needed to be done but i am still not better. My mind is spinning. I can't think clearly. I want to curl into a ball but i resist the urge- I now recognize what this is. I am having a panic attack. My husband asks if I am okay, what he can do. I can't focus. He was about to leave, he asks if he should stay. the world is spinning, I can't think, i can barely respond.. i can't think. I just need to be alone. I sit in bed and practice breathing techniques. All I can mutter is " it's okay. everything's okay. I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I cave, and take a Klonopin and wait for reality to come back into focus.
A panic attack is a complete sensory overload. Its like putting all of your senses on steroids, all your bad thinking patterns into overdrive and the physical sensation of careening off an embankment. I can't decide when it's going to happen, and it always takes me a minute to realize what is happening. What a weak spot in life.
It has passed, but i am still left with anxiety. Anxiety can take on many forms; today mine feels like my insides are being shaken and stirred and my chest is tight. My limbs are tense and I can't focus on much. I just keep focusing on my breathing. ratatattat in my body. swirls of uncomfortable thoughts oozing into my body to leave a shakiness, and no motivation and not a clear enough head to push through. Anxiety, panic and shortness of breath- oh MY!

Thanks so much for reading and supporting this blog. I really hope it helps someone, as strange as it is, it is helping me. I have created a table of contents (so to speak) of what other topics will be on going forward, as i am ready to face and address them ( or if i happen to be in the throws of them and feel personally obligated to fulfill my goal. I promise there will be some lighthearted stuff too.. I really am funny ;) I just need to get through the dark murky water before we can gaze at any beautiful waterfalls..
To any of you reading this- you are not alone. You are not crazy. We are all in this together.. Life is a beautiful journey. We might find ourselves in an abyss, but even the abyss can be beautiful. If nothing else, it gives us empathy. Empathy is something this world could really use a lot more of these days. Have an authentic evening.

Member Comments on this Entry
Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 04/20/15 at 01:29 AM

It's been said that writing is first and foremost good therapy...maybe why I've written most of my life, a life long sufferer of anxiety and depression. I've used Lorazepam for 12 year now, and it''s given me a new lease on life, and allowed me to live a fairly normal life in terms of mental health. If you're interested, I go into it more in my poem ADHD in Connecting The Dots. I realize that drugs aren't the solution for everyone, so I'll end by saying Good Luck with your ow situation, Kimberly. Best, Chris. :)

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