Winter Entry
12/28/2014 08:12 p.m.


Seems that I am headed back to Oregon within the next year. Son and daughter in law are moving back, son has already taken a job there, has moved there, and so when the rest of the household moves, I will follow. It's now my post here in Arizona, to keep it together somehow until we can all afford to join him. I will be quite happy to be back there, back home, with the waterfalls and the eagles and the river and the ocean and the trains' sad singing.

Spent the last week there, back home, after helping my son drive and get his belongings transported. It was lovely and amazing to see my aunt (who is one of my favorite humans on the face of this planet) and uncle and 4 of my 6 children along with countless other loved ones. My mother is very ill - emphysema and COPD and CHF. She is taking 4L of O2 on a constant basis. She has reconciled with my black-sheep brother. She kept saying, "...if this is my last Christmas" and "if I'm going to be this ill, I wish the Lord with either just take me or heal me". She has given me the family sterling silver, not that it amounts to anything at today's silver prices - it is the gesture that sinks me.

Back in Arizona, my middle daughter had come to take over my job of nannying the boys and now, to spend a week with me before she returns home to celebrate New Year's Eve with her beau. I will miss her so much - again.

In other news, the mad programmer texted me, wishing me a Merry Christmas. It's very strange, how he appears to wish to keep the frayed connection from breaking entirely. He also appears, however, to be quite happy in his new living arrangement with the girl he left me for. I'm glad for that. She is more his age and overall a better fit for him, I think.

Meanwhile, Adam's and my friendship has been renewed, which makes me very happy. To hear of his life and his love and his progress in dealing with his challenges is very heartening.

I love my life with my grandsons. These are precious times to be certain. Though, I have to say, in realizing I may have 20 good years left, I feel a definite need to secure my independence now, sooner rather than later. *sigh* If only I could find a way to earn an adequate wage, and one that fuels my passions. In caring for the boys, I am earning my keep, but I'm not ready to live dependent on others for the basics. It's going to be paramount that I strike out on my own.

And while I see the value of partnering in all sorts of ways, including the value of having someone to share the burden of making ends meet (I don't know many people who are able to live comfortably on their own income alone), I have come to greatly appreciate the value of being alone. I'm good on my own.

I find myself feeling quite strange about life lately. I am reminded that I don't do transitions well (it is a common struggle, though I have been told I seem to be more challenged by it than most other folks). Perhaps this is part of the reason I continue to encounter transition.

I have decided that I don't understand love, or the reason I have not found longevity with a romantic relationship yet. *shrugs* At least my lack of understanding no longer stops me from focusing on the good that is in front of me to do.

I am currently: stoic
Listening to: a strange desert cold