Befores and Afters
04/18/2005 02:28 p.m.
Watching Larry King’s interview with Jane Fonda last evening, I was refreshed by her approach to the subject of her feelings for Ted Turner, her ex-husband, and how some of the “other women” before and after her, relate to him and to each other. Her predecessor with him, gave Fonda (not out of sarcasm or condescension, but sincerity )tip cards on things to know in relating to him, and Jane herself admits she still loves him, and always will, even if their “romance” is long over. And she believes he still loves her too, though they are not in the arena of love together now. She also has not been adverse to offering any support to his partners, taking up the role she enjoyed.

Like Vadim, John Derek, etc. some men (not necessarily Svengali types) have this ability to forever hold a place in a woman’s heart, not necessarily every woman with whom they had a relationship though, I'm sure, and also keep one in their own, for the respective women. It’s not as if these guys have a harem, not even necessarily that they have a power or control that is intentional. An unforgettable effect is how I like to think of it, that causes such a bond. It can also happen the other way around of course.

The women who've loved such men seem to feel unthreatened and non-competitive for the most part, by their successors or predecessors. Or even just the newer close female friends that come into the man's life. Partly I think this is due to a strong sense of sisterhood in modern women, maturity and growing up, a relaxation of the compelling need and probably myth of having to be “the one and only.” It’s more realistic, if seemingly less romantic.

Perhaps it’s also due a belief in the fact that a person can love more than one other person at a time, (not that intimacy with more than one at a time is being promoted or is under consideration) but that emotionally loving more than one at once is in the realm of credibility to them.

Whether very many “sisters” are prepared to provide or receive tip cards etc. or advice, is debatable, and probably doubtful, or to help choose the next woman, (though this happens sometimes too, ie purportedly Camilla suggested and encouraged Charles’ choice of Diana as bride, though a sense of sisterhood certainly didn’t follow).

And the bond of friendship that a former relationship simmers to, brings to mind some of the issues in the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding.

In any case, I found it refreshing that Fonda express this mature and gracious approach in her newer role with Turner, while maintaining that it is important to honour and foster the close ties with someone you’ve once been in love with, and for whom you’ll always care. Perhaps in a deeper way, even, with the other dressings and demands now retired. And when asked if she’d been taken as “pining” for the “estranged” partner or relationship, she made it emphatically clear to King and to the viewers, that she never “pines.” I really appreciated that statement.

There is a great difference between pining and making respectful acknowledgment of a truth. Addressing the new or potential close people in a former partner’s life, and even their “new story,” when done honestly and after the blessings of some distance and time for closure to heal, does not mean pining, but witnessing, and accepting the change graciously and realistically. It also does not mean obsessing or acting out wistfully or jealously - but perhaps it can only be taken as such, if the former partner and their new interests are receptive and comfortable with maintaining the communications. And ego does not intercede in any of the parties, to affect the healthy balance. Fonda summed up why she would feel like "helping out" her successors with Turner as simply because of her love for him, and her desire for him to be caref for, well-companioned, and happy. My latest poem posted, "After the Hiatus" reflects some of these observations.