While my friends blow me off for guys, i'm left going out alone
01/21/2005 09:24 a.m.
tonight i went to the kniting factory show.... aaaaaaalllllllllllllllll by myself, AS USUAL, becuase SOMEBODY JUST HAAAAAAAAAAD TO WORK OUT because her *not* boyfriend is visiting this weekend, and because somebody ELSES *not* boyfriend laid a guilt trip on her for hanging out with me so much and him so little.

and the worst part about it... the thing that makes me feel the absolute most worthless... is not that my 2 best friends on this planet, whom i spend the most amount of time with, and who know me the best, would ever choose guy-related things over hanging out with me... no, that's not what makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

What makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit is that it's not looking like i'll get to do the same thing to them anytime soon, because there will never be a boy who cares enough to try to convince me to hang out with him instead of my girlfriends, and there will never be a boy who will be visiting me who will care enough about me to make me WANT to choose preparing for his arrival over a night out with a girlfriend. THAT is what makes me feel the most worthless.

jesus christ, i'm 21 years old. how the hell long am i expected to wait? and whats the deal with my 7th grade boyfriend turning out to have been the most decent guy i ever got involved with?? how did the guys who followed him end up being such a bunch of self-serving scum bags?? why am i watching everyone around me pass me by here? why? it simply CAN'T be just because of a few extra pounds that i could stand to lose. that cant be the only thing keeping me hopelessly and eternally alone. so what the goddam fucking hell is it? i spent all four years of high school without even so much as a date. not even to my own PROM (altho i certainly can't fault anthony for that... *sigh*) and the only boy who ever let himself be known as my "boyfriend" ended up only doing it to make barbara jealous, and dumped me as soon as she became my friend, a short 8 days later. the rest of them couldnt be bothered even with taking it that far. "hooking up", it's called. well it's fucking bullshit. frankly, the longer i see it, and the longer i think about it, the more AMORAL and LAZY and SELFISH it seems to me.

But if i seem that repulsive to guys, then i've gotta figure, it cant be the guys. it HAS to be ME. somehow, some way, i'm just not good enough. no one would want to be see with me like that. no one would want to take the chance of anyone knowing they were actually INVOLVED with me. after all, what would people think??

what indeed? what WOULD people think that's so horrible that no man wants anything to do with me?

that is the million dollar question. the million dollar question, the answer to which brings no victory at all. not for me at least.
I am currently Embarrassed
I am listening to nothing