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The Journal of Amy Wustrin The suspense was killing me, but not fast enough... Damn.
12/10/2004 10:49 p.m.
So I've finally had "that talk" with my father. No, not the sex talk. sadly, we're far beyond those days. No, this was the "school talk."
He doesnt hate me. At least, I dont think he does. But at 12:30 AM, (he works a night shift), he called and porcedded to ask me "what i want to do with the rest of my life." And this conversation dragged on forever, and amde me whish i had filled that Xanax perscription sooner. And after he asked me a buch of questions, and i answer "i dont know" to all of them, after he assured me that "I dont know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to the questions... He sent me to bed and tried to encourage me not to be up all night thinking about these things.
Right, Dad. Becuase that's just SO easy for me. And its not like that's what i've been doing since i was NINE years old... laying in bed unable to sleep becuase my life makes no sense to me, and i'm determined to make it make sense before i start dreaming for the night.
I love my dad to death.
But i really wish he wasnt a man.
Becuase i hate men.
And i've been trying to figure out what i want to do with my life now, every night this week.
And i've come to the conclusion that really... I dont want to do anything.
I have no interest in continuing to exist on this planet. I dont like it here all that much, the rules are stupid, no one follows them, no one enforces them, no one cares... I would never have pickec this for myself if i'd been given any kind of a choice. What have i got to look foward to? The promise of heaven? I kind of suck at my spiritual life way more than i do in physical life. And i just dont CARE anymore. I DONT FUCKING CARE.
What i want to do with the rest of my life, is die in my sleep before next semester starts, so i dont have to answer the question, "What do you want to do with the rest of your life". or, even worse than that, follow through with it.
And i really dont give a good god damn who thinks i'm a whiney brat for this, or who thinks i'm squandering my opportunities in life, or who thinks i should be grateful for what.
Right now, i just want endless sleep. not school. not my parents. not work. not money. not friends. not family. not the pressures of hating myself for being such a shitty person. not the bullshit of life. just endless sleep.
And 5 grams of pot. Its payday. I an at least make that one happen.
I am currently Clueless
I am listening to Daughters~John Mayer
| Member Comments on this Entry |
| Posted by James Zealy on 12/15/04 at 05:34 PM I have a rather unique perspective, in that I am old enough for you to be my daughter. Unfortunately the "What do you plan to do with the rest of your life" question is one that most young people have no clue how to answer, until you have lived enough life to figure out what the answer is. The short answer is, it is not the time or place to figure this out, especially with the pressures of school and the other social and societal pressures that go along with that. School well help give you a sense of direction, but that is all it can or should do. Ultimately, if you live long enough, some event or something will show you the way. The most important thing I can counsel you to remember, is the same thing I tell my kids (three), find a way to be productive and contribute to the world you live in. If it pays the bills and is not illegal, who am I to judge. I feel fortunate, in that she is driven in her love of music (violin, piano, singing) and she wants to find some way to contribute with that. It is not so important what that is at the moment, but it is important to me that she use her gift in a positive way. It is obvious that you have a gift for writing. Maybe the other gifts you have are not all that apparent at the moment, but give it some time, you have plenty of time left without it being so totally life altering to make that choice now. I hope this helps. |
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