Well, I can honestly say I would never have expected this.
11/22/2004 02:11 a.m.
I am not an unitelligent person.
But my work ethic, at least when it comes to school, certainly has always left much to be desired.
I've always had a bit of a depression problem which has contributed to this. The intense anxiety i fell lately is sort of new, or at least had never been bad enough for me to notice.

And between my bit of inherent laziness, the negative effect depression has on academic performance, and this anxiety which i never noticed until lately, in the past, i have always been able to pull it all together at the last minute. Sure, i would stress. Sure it would drive me crazy and i would vow never to let it happen again... But i had the fight in me. No matter what was driving me to neglect my schoolwork, when i was down to the wire, i got up off my ass, lost the defeatist attitude, and fucking got shit done.
Last semester, i got a 2.9 GPA. And i was AWAKE FOR TWO WEEKS!!! That FUCKED my semester up, but i fought the pressure, and i prevailed.

So what's going on here? How am i finding myself in this awful mess that i can't get out of with a weekend in open studio?? Why do i have to take pills and spend an hour each week talking about old old news, just to still feel like im never ever going to accomplish another thing for as long as i live. When the HELL did hopelessnes get the upper hand on me? how in the friggin world did i lose my FIGHT? Where does one's fight even go when it leaves them?

This causes a lot of concerns. that go round and round and round and this was and that but they all come back to the same big issue.

How is my father going to react to this?

After i told him at the beginning of the year that i really didnt feel like i was up to this semester, he convinced me to try and stick it out and finish the year, and graduate. And reminded me that my mom would graduate before me if i skipped this year. Which in retrospect... he really should never have mentioned. because it clouded my judgement, and made me mistake anger for motivation to get my ass to school. and i was crying to much to argue with him. i was miserable. and he was not trusting that if i was telling him a year off would be good for me, that it was probably the truth. So now i have the concrete proof that i was in fact right. my semester is fucked. and my professor, God bless him, is willing to work with me and accept extra projects to make up for my absences, etc. I'm *willing* to do that too. But, for the first time in my life, i just dont think i can. at least, not in time for the end of *this* semester. So i suppose i have to meet with him and /or the department chair, and see what my options are as far as incompletes and extensions and the like.

And honestly, i'm ok with all of these things. i guess if its gonna take me another year to graduate, its gonna take me another year. so be it.

But how about the man who signs the checks. i certainly cant marginalize how he feels about this when i admit i've fucked up beyond redemption. but at the same time, i did warn him. and he marginalized *my* feelings. and *I'M* the one who has to get up every day, get on the bus, and go to that school. so what do i do if he tells me he will no longer pay for my school now that i've "wasted" his money?? (I put "wasted" in the quotes, simply because if he would have given me the OK to take the year off like i asked, i could have gotten his money back. 75% of it, at the very least. but instead, he decided that his histrionic daughter was just crying and didnt know what the hell she was talking about. next time, maybe he'll listen.)

Or, worse than pulling his financial support... MUCH MUCH worse... what if he's just *mad* at me for it... our relationship has withstodd some pretty huge issues. his girlfriend of 14 years that i only just met this september. FOURTEEN YEARS! I wasnt even mad. I knew he had his reasons and i trusted his judgement. And when i was nine and he called off all visitations until the divorve was finalized. I was confused, and definitely hurt. and it didnt help that my mother used it to make him look like a horrible person. but i trusted his judgement. and i've learned now that he did that so that my mother couldnt use me against him while the divorce was being finalized, and play games with him and me and our visits, and do even more damage than she'd done. And a million other things i'd never have been able to get over if it werent for the fact that i trusted him to be looking out for me.

The common thread here, it seems, is that i've trusted his judgement this whole time. And the one time he should have trusted mine... he didnt. And now *I* may very be the one to suffer from it.

I dont want to lose our relationship. im so lucky it's survived the way it has over these years after everything that's happened to us.

But... if my luck's run out in school... could it have run out with him too? Could i have screwed up that badly?? i just dont know. ive decided im thru with my mom. one day a long time ago, he decided that same thing. but im as much her as i am him. why wouldnt he decide the same about me?

no one can help me right now. no one can tell me what i can say to him. no one can predict his reaction. and no one can take it away.

I'm completely on my own with this. And i'm completely fucked.

Where do i go from here?
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to nothing