1000 eyes will smolder with jealousy...
08/08/2004 02:12 a.m.
i started working the new york Ren Faire today. the first people to walk in were Jackie and Gomer. they''ve been together since their freshman year. that's going on 6 years now. later on, Stephanie P. and Nagle stopped by. They have also been together for 6 years, since they were freshmen. something *HAS* to be wrong with me, beyond the physical, that i somehow seem to repel commitment-minded boys. i should learn to be like barbara and manipulte boys and fuck with them until they can't accept ever not being with me, so we date for yeeeears. Then when we break up, they'll still talk to me becuase they cant bear the thought of not having me around to some capacity. maybe i could even get stalked a little bit. Babs complains, but even tho i'll never call her on it, i know deep down she revels in the way all her ex-es always want her back. meanwhile, i dont even have any ex-es, so no one could want me to go back to them, even if they tried.

i mean, i really try not to dwell on this shit, because let's fae it. its pointless. i'm the secret hook-up girl. thats as good as it gets over here. i should accept that and move on. but it just gets to me. i feel like it just gets rubbed in my face everywhere i turn the more i try to ignore it. and babs wonders why sometimes after she's been talking for a long time about boys x, y, and z, i can seem upset or pissed or something, and she yells at me cause i never tell her what the problem is. but i really dont want to be that petty, jealous, fat ugly friend who hates everyone who's ever happy in front of her. so obviously i cant be like "well, all you do is talk about boys, and it's making me hate you." what the hell kind of person does that?

And Amanda's not much better. in fact, she and babs are a lot alike. and they both just kill me. my favorite part is when one of them seems to want my advice or opinion about a relationship. like i have any fucking clue how THAT works. what a bunch of assholes. Hi. Have we met? Do I "date" guys? no. then how the hell should i know what YOU should do about your precious fucking boyfriend? answer me that.

and i hate that this even matters to me. i really do. but you know what? fuck that, because the fact is, it *DOES* matter to me. it matters to me, and its hopeless, and its never going to change.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to SilverSprings~Fleetwood Mac