Morning Writing Exercise 7/28/04
07/28/2004 03:20 p.m.

This morning I’m finally up at a more decent hour. It’s 7:25 a.m. and though I’m sleepy I’m also determined and happy. To begin with…

Ok, here’s an exercise. I was just interrupted by anxiety and anger, and consequently downstairs are intentional heavy footsteps and slamming doors. Emotionalism comes to mind. I see my face sour, my mood shift to the negative. I was simply considering being hurt and sad and angry. Ha! But why? Why when the line is so thin? I was here just a moment ago on the ‘right’ side, content and proud. I shall not cross the line over to emotionalism though I almost did just now. But avoidance is always better than having to walk back. This does indeed take a conscious effort, no doubt about that. But the effort is not so difficult when one remembers how simple things really are. I never remembered so much before, but now suddenly I am…or is it not sudden but a natural progression of intentional behavior? Yes, that’s what it is.

Still teetering on the edge of emotionalism are those pesky emotional thoughts which, when put into action, will most likely result in regret, failure, and misery of an ugly sort, not very beautiful like the sadness that comes with sensitivity. This too is helpful to remember. For I find that my mind wants to wander to the negative, but more interesting is that I will not allow this to happen, and even MORE interesting is the fact that I am succeeding each moment to remember and apply my logic!

With that final door slammed I’m finally able to completely relax and concentrate and focus. This is not the best of signs as it indicates how very far I have to go in this growth process, but, then again, it’s not like I didn’t realize this fact from the very beginning hahaha! There must be a day when my external surroundings will never disturb my internal state of consciousness, attention, and control…my internal peace so to speak. I was just now tempted to say “I look forward to that day” but WOW! Here I caught myself again (how wonderful these tiny victories feel)! Ah those suicidal thoughts of running ahead of the time, they are tricky thoughts! I now don’t think of any destination or how “I can’t wait” to get there. Oh how wonderful it is just to be HERE and NOW! How else will one ever GO anywhere or DO anything? How else can one say she is ALIVE!?

Now back to the beginning where I intended to record my dream. Last night I forgot to intentionally suggest positive thoughts before sleep, though I do remember that I was indeed registering positive suggestions though in a more mechanical way, not so much with intention or presence of mind. This is encouraging for two reasons. First, even mechanically and without intention I was thinking positively. Second, I realized I was thinking mechanically (even though after the fact) and now will be more aware of my mental state the next time before I go to sleep. Tonight my memory will serve me the better for remembering now.

I find that simply two mornings of this writing exercise and my life (attitude, perspective, anxiety etc) has already changed for the better. I am able to purge my thoughts with intention, attention in tact, and with continuity of thought. This further intensifies and promotes my feeling of happiness and success. Each writing exercise (which I am always doing with pen and paper now as opposed to computer) is another tiny tiny battle won. To continue winning these particular tiny battles of waking up every morning and doing this exercise for 30 minutes means that progression and growth and resulting positive routine and happiness are inevitable!
Before I end this 30 minutes I will recall my morning dream in which, again, I was traveling to a far away land, this time it was China. I got through the first set of checks and was fine before I realized that I had forgotten my passport! Funny enough, I was there with a group of people as is usual with all my dreams, as though it were some sort of school field trip. I told my teacher I had forgotten my passport and would not be able to go lest I be stuck in China wih no way of returning home for a long time hahahaha. Basically, I would either miss the plane going there or the one coming back home because of my forgetting my passport. My teacher said, “all you need is my signature stating that you are not married and then a passport is unnecessary. I will put my signature on the line for you though it is not usually wise to lie to these officials about such matters. So he did sign the paper, but still the dream never had me boarding any plane, instead, it took an odd turn into seaming randomness as dreams often do.

Last thought…DON’T FALL BACK TO SLEEP!! Hahahahahahaha!

The End


I am currently Great
I am listening to My Intending Self