A Morning Writing Exercise
07/12/2004 10:57 p.m.
I chose the phrase quoted below the night before and in the morning woke up and immediately began to write allowing the phrase to lead me:

“I just have to control the FEAR”

I know it often controls me. Am I present? Present with a stream of consciousness, is this possible? I have a fear of death. This fear increases ten-fold when I begin to look forward to an exciting future event that will most likely be ‘certain’ unless I crash my vehicle and die. I usually imagine sudden death as a car crash, I guess that’s a common enough association?

I dreamt I was at a party for some friend I hardly knew. There were many people there as I wandered from room to room. There were moments of social awkwardness though I tried to keep cool and not reveal my insecurities. I kept a cool head, smiling when appropriate and playing a role, but always in the backdrop was a feeling of ‘not belonging’.

I always had to act as though I was looking for something I was very sure of, like the bathroom, for example. That is to say, I was often merely wandering around aimlessly and friendless among these ‘friends’, but if I noticed someone noticing ME I would immediately act as though I am MEANT to be there. As if I have a specific purpose for being in that spot or this, though I was simply standing around all too aware of my own self to feel comfortable, and observing the crowd.

Towards the end of the dream I was trying to play with the crowd in a physical game with basketballs. My ball dropped and rolled away into a corner. I walked over to the ball and as I picked it up a girl confronted me. She took the ball away from me and said that she now wanted to use it. I began to argue that this was the last ball and I had just picked it up and started playing. She immediately sensed my weakness and smiled wickedly.

She simply said, “what does it matter if you have a ball or not, play or not with us? You don’t belong here and we both know it”. So I gave her the ball. After that I walked back with her to where the others were and said, “just because you don’t think I belong doesn’t mean….” And I seem to have said this loud enough for the others to hear because they chimed in,

“What’s this? Who doesn’t belong? Come on now! Why do you make her feel unwelcome here?” I should have been happy for the show of support, but instead I felt ten times worse and even ashamed. The girl’s look was hard and seemed to say “oh you have said this in front of the others so that I look bad, but still, we ALL know the truth…”

And I knew it too.

I don’t belong here and I’m afraid.

I am currently Good
I am listening to Dueling Dogs