Everything seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL now : 23rd of Aug. 2003
09/03/2003 03:17 a.m.

Everything seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL now : 23^rd of Aug. 2003

It sounds so normal now, the world within as well without.  Despite my not-so-healthy mind and body and subdued spirit.  Every thing seems so ABNORMALLY NORMAL after my terrifying experience of last evening.

It started at around 5.30 while I was driving down to a doctor’s clinic on my way back home.  I was feeling feverish, suspecting some kind of a viral infection since last three days.  But this wasn’t the cause of my intention of visiting the doctor.  I was also suffering from some kind of a allergy (my assumption) causing a very uncomfortable itching sensation all over my body (including my skull) causing appearance of big ugly red patches (the itching made them look ugly, otherwise they did not look so ugly as I am ascribing it to be) all over the skin, so many at times, that there was hardly any space left for them to expand further.  As a backgrounder I must add (and this is not for my doctor’s consumption) that I had tried all kind of treatments from DESHI (indigenous) to popular kind of medicines, potions and lotions clubbed with some anti-allergic pills & skin ointments prescribed telephonically by a Registered Medical Practitioner, the one I was about to visit on my way back home. Needless to say, none of them helped.  The ever-itching red patches kept on appearing and disappearing on its own volition though expanding with the help of my itching fingers and so was it with the itching sensation.  Or was it just the opposite?  That the red patches was appearing with the appearance of itching sensation and despite my not wanting, rather a conscious determination as to not to scratch (oh! Dear, I am doing it right now and its’ so blissful, so pleasure giving in the moment.  I just was to scratch, scratch and scratch and peel off my skin. And once you commence scratching, its’ so impossibly difficult to stop scratching till the realization sets deeply in that its’ of no use)

As a backgrounder, I also must mention here that despite feeling feverish and tired of this unending itching sensation & continued appearance of red patches, I was keeping long hours.  I was extremely busy in the world created by situations neither of my choice nor of my liking.  And that neither of this apparently had any direct connection with the experience I was going through, while driving over to the doctors’ place on my way back home.

The time-stopped.  At least externally.  The world came to a stop.  At least my immediate surrounding.  My car was the only moving object on that crowded street.  It was as if I, a four-dimensional being, in my car, was moving in a three dimensional world.  My connection to the outside world had snapped, once & for all. My sense instruments refused to react to any vibrations emanating from the without.

But I wasn’t scared. At least not on the intellectual plane. Nor, was I happy. (And this was bothering me in a very impersonal way since I had no feelings.  But I thought, rather a thought cropped in that this experience was possibly the result of my year’s of esoteric practice.  Is this the beginning of the experience of inner-unity I had always longed for?  The ultimate oneness?    But where is the bliss, the euphoria I believed will be the first to engulf me?  Why was I feeling so detached, detached to the point of death?

And then something else happened.  I was in a different SCENE.  Altogether a different reality.  Rather part of two different SCENES.  In one I was moving at a snails speed among the standstill traffic.  In another I was in different space of time in a different surrounding.  But this wasn’t at once.  It was alternating and the alternating scenes went on changing alternatively.  I was always in a difficult scene every time I was back to the original that is my so-called world, without.  The ‘continued reality’ continued alternatively.  The other ‘scene’ went on changing.

I won’t be able to recollect any of those scenes I was experiencing alternatively.  They were distinct at that point of time, because they were real at that point of time. The good part was, now, when I think in retrospect, that I was not driving. My driver accompanied me that day owing to my ill health.  The good part was that I knew & understood my state of mind, every time when I was back.  Well, walking back from a dream one always knows that it was a dream. (What if one walks out of a dream into yet another dream?)

After experiencing almost ten different scenes in different space of time, I thought.  Rather a thought cropped in.  (I was my normal thinking animal every time I was back into that original scene)  Rather a realization that for some reason my conscious mind has somehow got connected to my subconscious mind and the ‘scenes’ were just creative assemblage of the unconnected associations registered with in.  If this was so, it wasn’t a bad experience I thought.  My subconscious playing the role of my conscious while I remained conscious of my subconscious becoming my conscious.  This was something real super normal.  Now, I asserted, my intending self shall be the operator.  So, after all, after a long wait, ‘I am’ on the verge of becoming my operator.  I remember giving some positive suggestions to my subconscious but before it could follow the suggestion or refuse to do so (which it is not capable of) or allow this fact be established that my conscious & subconscious minds are one, I walked into yet another scene.

Despite my detachment, I was a bit scared in a detached way, for a while.  I deducted that I may not reach my house ‘alive’.  But never did I think of changing my course.  I was determined to go to the doctor.  Meanwhile I needed to make a call to my house & to my utter confusion I wasn’t sure of any of the three telephone numbers.

This went on till I almost arrived at the doctor’s place.  I did not tell him anything about my experience or newfound state.  Nor anything as regards my anxieties & physical discomfort. 

Despite my detachment I was anxious.  I wasn’t at peace.  I was not at peace because despite the detachment & the world coming to a stop I was not at peace.

We discussed about my continued itching sensation & the resulting red patches.  He changed one of the medicines he had prescribed earlier.  Casually, in the course of the check-up, he took my blood pressure and to my surprise it appeared at 140/108.  How could it shot up without my even knowing it?  I am so extremely sensitive towards my body that if there’s a bit change in the temperature/blood pressure, I instantly know about the change and the diastolic wasn’t 90. It was108.  It was well beyond danger mark.   He asked if I was on a regular B.P. Pill.  To my shock I failed to recollect the name of the pill though I thought of many. Considering my confusion he suggested some names. But I wasn’t sure. I was so confused.  In any case, he asked me to increase the dose from half to one a day.  I thanked him and got up to take his leave.

The unexpected happened at this moment.  I realized that darkness was engulfing me and my legs had no strength.  The last thing that I experienced was that there was a big black hole in the middle of my body and that narrowing dark pit was sucking in my mere existence.  I simply blacked out.  I mumbled something to the doctor of which I am not sure if I ever mumbled.

When I regained my consciousness I found that four persons including the doctor held me in the very same chair I was occupying.

I asked him as to the exact duration of my black out.  The doctor, instead, asked me to not to worry, to go home & take a B.P. Pill & rest.  Some boy from the clinic handed me my specks while I was climbing into my car.  I was wondering if I had dropped it while dropping unconscious.

Driving back home I was wondering if I was coherent while I was with the Physician and what kind of impression I must have left. To my surprise I wasn’t sure of anything that transpired between the Physician and me.

By the time I was back home, I was feeling my ‘normal’ self once again, though feverish and tired. I was damn sure now that I was not going to die. Not yet.