Insomnia
11/25/2002 09:37 a.m.

Help the insomnia go away of all the things in my head. It rapes me of my sleep and starve me to incredible hunger. This depression has gotten worse when I was knocked down innocently by a good friend. The loneliness returns with horror, dragging me deeper and deeper into this trench of sadness. I wanted to cry tonight. Cry like I have never cried before, but I didn't. And though I won't. I don't see why. My emotions play with my head and torment me more and more everyday. Happiness lurks but very faint, so my friends tell me. Where is my happiness? They are out there. My dream, my smiles, my laughs, my joys, they are there. "Keep on pushing", I say to myself everyday. It will come. It will soon come. But only that day will show me how happy I can be. Until then, I stay uncalmed, and continued suffering and pushing until that day arrives.

Conversation
11/17/2002 07:59 p.m.

I had a talk with a couple friends last night about things in general and how I can get around/through them. One of which we managed to drop everything altogether and just start over. We had a bunch of people over, just chillin and having fun. No drinking or partying, just plain relaxing in the common room, talking, watching tv/movies and enjoying life. I had a good time last night. No one was superior than anyone else. I felt better last night. I owe someone an apology though. Someone who didn't need to take the brunt of anything last night.

Once I get the positive attitude down again, I'm hoping all will be better. I have people to chill with now. People that understand me, maybe not what I'm going through, but understand me and each of them are here for me as I am for them. Things are cool now.

I'm signing off for now. Until next time.

November 16
11/17/2002 03:36 a.m.
So I've heard that talking with someone face to face would be the best way to get to know them. I agree. I see in their eyes and can really tell if they are who they say they are. Would it work the same if someone was having problems with themselves and just needed to talk to someone? I don't feel that talking online through an instant messenger or even email would make a person feel better, because you are not there with the person. I can't seem to talk to anyone unless it's on here. And seeing as though I don't get anywhere with them, they just don't want to hear it anymore. Things are so difficult in my life and yet I just don't know how to deal with them. People have been telling me to just drop them. How the hell do you do that? My life isn't as easy as flipping a switch and dumping all that is bothering me. It's so much worse. When I want to talk to someone in person about it, it's better but no one will understand. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish people would understand where I'm coming from. I wish someone would have all the patience possible to hear me out and not just say, "just drop it". I wish just that could happen for me. I can't be happy unless I know I'm happy. No one can just say, "be happy" and all of a sudden I'm a glowing light of happiness. Why do people frown when they hear about people like me? No one pays any attention to people like this. For what I give to hear people out when they have problems, I help them but no one ever wants to hear Matt out completely. Face to face, person to person, mano a mano, but maybe who has gone through shit and has gotten through. One that could possibly give me some logical advice on how to get through this mess. It's really making my life shit. I can't do this. I have so much going for me now and now all this crap is eating away at me to the point that I can't do anything. Someone out there must understand. I know not many people even want to hear it, but someone out there must understand. Ugh......depression sucks.....loneliness sucks......problems suck......growing up and now being antisocial sucks......help me......help me......:-(
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Guns and Roses - November Rain (how appropriate)

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Regretfully Yours
11/12/2002 06:56 p.m.

Well, what a wacky couple of weeks this has been. Most of my friends know about me now and my true friends understand and are there for me. I'm not sure about the others yet, since I've only heard from one of them that one time. Things are starting to catch up with me. It's not as easy as I thought it could get after telling my friends. It's hitting me hard now and I don't know exactly what it is that's bothering me. I spoke to a couple friends last night and told me I should talk to someone that knows or has been through what I'm going through now, so I can get a better knowledge on how to feel better about myself. I'm feeling really like my life is going no where and I'm hurting myself more and more each day because I don't know where to go. I'm losing sleep. I'm only getting a good 4 hours of sleep each night because I have so much on my mind. I'm having problems concentrating. My work is getting so difficult because I'm having a hard time concentrating on how to do it and the logic behind it. My professors are noticing and they ask me if I'm ok. I don't know how to approach that situation and I don't know what to tell them when/if I do approach it. I have to talk to someone but as a minority, I don't know who to talk to because I'm not around many people like me. I wish I knew what to do. All I want is to be happy and be on the better side of myself. No one ever knows how I feel because I walk out of my place every day with a smile on my face. Know one knows about me on the inside, no one knows my past. Frankly, I don't think anyone wants to. I want to sit down one on one with someone and just talk. Talk about everything I've gone through and everything I'm going through. Someone who will understand me and may know just how I should handle it.

My girls are my girls but I don't think they will understand. They are great girls and I love all of them to no end. My best friend wants to understand and he really wants to help, but he just doesn't know what to do. However, he knows of a couple people that I should talk to and is helping me out there to try and talk with one of them. My true friends are there for me as much as they can be and even though they don't know what to say or do, they are there for me and that's the greatest thing that they can ever do.

One of my online buddies is having a rough time. I don't know how to approach it, but he seems quiet and doesn't want to get involved in the situation. I'm not sure on how to help him out because I want to sit and talk with him so he can just let it all go. He's a good person and I know how he feels and how he wants to be happy. I hope things work out for him.

So much more to say and so little time to say it in. That's a chunk of it for now. Thanks for reading and for the good vent.

Poor Kitty
11/06/2002 11:07 p.m.
I'm sad to say that my kitty, 17 years old, passed away this morning from old age. He was such a good kitty. So well behaved, loved a good sleep on your lap and just got nice and comfy where ever he was. He loved his mousy and played all the time. I'm sad to see him go, but we all know that now he is in a better place and kitty heaven is the best place for him now. Poor boy, I'll miss the bugger.

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Big Move
10/30/2002 01:01 a.m.
Well, I moved to another building. To a single in fact. It's great. Things are going great so far. I spent all day moving all my stuff to this nice comfy room and I'm completely settled in. I really like this new little place. Quiet, peaceful, my new suitemates are great guys. They are low key, comfortable to live with and don't cause that much noise. It's great....plus....it's a single!!!! Woo hoo!!!! Well that's it for now..Just letting you know of my wonderful move.
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Music

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News for all of you
10/29/2002 06:14 a.m.

Well now is the time that I have to let the one community I tell all my bad days, sad days, depressed days and hard felt days to, understand who I really am now and express my greatest gratitude to those who already know me. This has been one of the hardest things in my life to do and I'm glad that I finally had time to think it through and understand myself. I know myself now and I can clearly see how I want my life. I'm happier, less stressed, more motivated, less aggravated, and so much more pleased with myself than I ever was before.

Meeting him is another uplifting moment in my life. I have never had someone so caring, love hearted, common sensed, smarty like him. He's so nice to me. He treats me just like he wants to be treated, and lets me like him for who he is too. We talk and talk and talk about everything....we both talk a lot and we have arguements that are worth arguing that make us that much closer. He's smart, sweet, sensitive and loving. He is well balanced in life and has himself straight in going in a right direction. So great.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm bi. You may say gay, which it could be, but I love my girls (which doesn't mean I don't love them if I'm gay, cuz I always will). I'm happy that I came out and let me tell you it's a lot of weight off of my shoulders. I told all of my truest friends that I know in person and I'm making my way around to tell all my friends that I know and are my greatest friends. Most of them have accepted me and only a few are not taking it so well. The only thing I have to say about that is one thing different like this should be the deciding factor of a friendship, because if it is, then we were never meant to be friends in the first place. Well, I know my true friends and they know me. I love all of them and that's all that matters. I'm happy now. My life is finally squared away and I've never had a smile on my face bigger.

I wanted to share this with the Pathetic community because I feel that this community is hear for that and to be like a knit family being related through our poetry and creative writings. I like a lot of people here and some of them could fall into a family category with me. It's time that I say it and mean it. You guys are the best!

Thank you for always being there for me and letting me be a part of this outstanding community. You guys are the best and always will be. Thank you all! :)

Unbelievable
10/25/2002 07:30 a.m.
This week has been long but so enjoyable....I met a fabulous person. One I can never forget. Made my life so much more happy and cheery and I will love them without them, possibly even knowing. They make my day for every day I have know them and I hope they will be with me for a long time to come. Thank you for always being there, whether you read this or not and remember, you are my sweetie. :)
I am currently Perfect

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Nothing More
10/02/2002 04:27 a.m.

There is nothing more to say about what think about everyday, nor have I said anything about me. I've been up and down the rollercoaster from hell and just can't grasp why I'm the way I am. I am told I'm a great guy by many but sit in a pool of emptiness alone as everyone is else watches me drown. I don't know what I like, who I like or how I like them. I know I like something but to know exactly what it is, is hard to determine. I can't see me as me. Who am I?

It's almost time to tell, or maybe not. Do they need to know now? Should they know? They are my friends, my close close friends. Anything that would turn their heads would jeopardize everything I've ever had with them. But on the same side of things, do I really want to be this down all the time? Do I want to feel so unhappy that nothing will ever be fun for me? Why should I worry about things I shouldn't need to worry about when I'm only a college student?

Too many questions, to little answers. Someone right for me. Someone to show me the way.

I'm too strong for some and too weak for others. Let me see that happiness I saw as a child without the abuse or neglect I have been through. Teach me the right way to know and act and cherish those around me, instead of when my childhood was locked up in the house of horrors.

I've been through too much as a kid, and now it faces me eye to eye as it rips me in pieces and tortures my life in ways never to be thought of. It ruins my self-esteem, my ability to be with people and my ability to have a responsible relationship without getting nervous that something is going to happen to it.

Happiness???? Not for a while. I'm lucky if that will ever be. No one will ever see the dark side of me, because no one wants to. I can't say I'm a horrible person because I'm not. But deep inside, I am not a great person but a confused, worthless piece of shit that can not deal with being me.

There is no one I can truely trust except for a selected few. And those are who are scared of who I am becoming and just don't know what to do or say. Logic and common sense brought me a long way in my life and will continue to provide me with the knowledge to succeed, but I feel that I will be emotionally distraught because there is no one that is in my league that wants to know me for me. I guess there's nothing more that I can do except moan and groan, and I think I will have to stop that now.

A simple little program
10/01/2002 02:56 p.m.

So I'm sitting in programming today and I was waiting for some programs to be given to me by my friend. We do a thing where one week, one person will do them and the next week another person does them and anytime, each of us will help each other and then exchange them later. Well, this was my friends turn and yeah she never gave them to me. I was very upset. So needless to say, I had to sit there and type them all in again. My buddy gives me his with errors and together we worked out the errors so they worked and we turned them in together. As for the person who didn't give me them, she never understood it, left early and never was graded for them. Tough shit huh? Well that's what you get for not working correctly and fooling around. As I said in a previous journal: "Trust no one!" I take this in heavy consideration and it is followed strictly. Unfortunately I though I could trust her and apparently not. She is a good friend but when it comes to work, you're on your own. "Trust no one" and do the work yourself.

Needless to say, I got all my programs complete and was out of there with a completed grade of whatever I got, a check or something like that. I love programming, only if there's that other person to sit next to me and say, "hey, let's try it this way." or people who actually know what they are talking about....sheesh.

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