Updates!
02/18/2010 01:38 p.m.
It's been a really long time since I've updated my journal, so here is just a little new information for you to process.

I got a Canon Rebel Xsi last April. I am pretty excited about that. I love that camera more than any other material possession I have. Well, almost. And now, to add to the list of material possessions I am madly in love with is my newest addition to the family-the Sony Vaio.

I am hoping I can get back into writing again. Ever since I became a mother I just don't have what it takes anymore. My poetry used to come to me randomly throughout the day, and now my life is so full of light that I couldn't imagine writing the dark things I once did. Wish me luck in my 'creative unblocking.'

If you ever are interested in my photography check me out at www.cyanidesarah.deviantart.com

or if you just wanna chat, feel free to look me up all over the web. I'm everywhere!

Oh, and I dont quite know how to change my last name on here anymore, but I got married in September of 2008, and my last name has changed. :)

Peace, Love, and New Tech Toys
Sarah V.

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Deviance
02/06/2009 02:38 p.m.
Okay, so..I realize that I may not be the best writer, the most talented writer, or really any kind of writer at all. Well, that's to say, I may not be any of those things to you. Some people like what I have to say, some can relate. Others, well they don't see as much. I can't help that I like to write. I do what I like, I write what I feel, that's just who I am. That's part of the package. The rest of it used to be photography/photo edits. Those days are past me now, though I wish otherwise. My cameras have been broken, and all I've got right now is a little old Kodak. If you ever get bored, go to deviantart.com. You'll find me there under 2 accounts. Maybe you'll be able to find me, maybe. I guess if you were bored enough you could go to my facebook page where it lists my URL. Or perhaps, myspace? Social networking sites, don't really work if the network of people aren't willing to socialize. Did that make any sense? Probably not. I'm not sure anything does right now. To be perfectly honest, Ive been up for far too long. I haven't gone to bed yet, and it's nearing 9 a.m.
I just..feel like I'm lacking an element that I once had. I just wish I knew what it was, so I could get it back.

Okay, well time to end this rambling entry.

Good morning
and
good night.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to My daughters swing making ocean noises

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Blocked.
12/31/2008 06:14 p.m.
I don't know what the deal is with me lately. I used to be able to write things that actually meant something. Maybe not to you, or anyone else, but to me. Now I'm stuck with this damn writers block again. I get stuck in this rut, and words don't come to me. I end up writing things that are cliche and rhyme too much. Like, floor door chore. lol. That kind of rhyme. Ah well. Sometimes I just sit here and words come to me, they just flow through my head. I may not be the best writer, or any good at all in fact...but I enjoy writing. I guess that's all that matters. Maybe not on a site like this, but that's all that matters to me. Hopefully I can get past this writers block and get some good poetry up again. It's been too long. As always, your opinions and criticism is not only accepted, but expected! =)

In other news, I wrote this last night.....It's SUPER long, so if you don't want to read it you don't have to.

[Taken from my weblog, written last night]

So, I was sitting here tonight just thinking, letting my mind wander freely. I started to think about the past a lot, then the future..And I realized, I have no idea what I'm doing! I keep thinking back to the past, to decisions I've made, people I've hurt, people who have hurt me, the users, and the used...I can't help but feel regret, sorrow, pity, and guilt. I don't think those are normal emotions that people feel when they reminisce about their past. Are they?

It's like this. I was a wild child. I mean, literally...child. I started drinking and smoking before I even had my PERMIT to drive. I started dating older guys when I was 14, just looking for something...though, to this day I'm not sure what. I kept up that lifestyle for many years. I spent a few years partying a lot. Mostly with older people. I was 14, and the people we'd party with were in their mid 20's. I guess looking back that's really messed up on so many levels. What kind of 20 something year old man lets 14 year old girls drink in his house.....You know the kind. I guess I'm lucky nothing ever really happened to me. I can't sit here and tell you I regret every drink, every night spent with my friends having a good time, because it would be a lie. I do regret that I started so young, and that I had to learn so many life lessons the hard way.

It just kills me now, that I can sit here as a 22 year old wife, & mother and I see these 14-15 year old girls drinking, having sex, partying, smoking, and I think to myself what a sad mess. Then I have to bite my tongue, which I rarely do because that hot mess USED to be me...I guess I can see now, why at the time everything seemed so fun. I was part of a group of friends, all we did was cause mischief and mayhem. I wasn't the leader of the pack by any means, but I wasn't far behind. I got myself into so much trouble when I was younger, and in more ways than I'd care to count.

The way I used to live my life cost me a lot of things. Mostly, people. friendships. relationships. trust. I lost some of my best friends over nothing, and ruined relationships over less. I wasn't the best person in the world, and I can admit it. I hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve to be hurt, all the way up until I moved to Tennessee in fact. I wanted to believe I was an adult then, that I was grown up, and could fend for myself. The truth of it was, I wasn't...and I couldn't. I needed someone there for me at all times. I had never felt so dependent on someone in my entire life, aside from when I dated Tom. I don't know. I guess when I was younger all I ever wanted was a steady man in my life. Someone who wouldn't just walk in and out like other guys in my world did. I wanted stability, love, and affection. I never really felt like I got a whole lot of that from anyone growing up. I distanced myself, and then never understood why no one wanted to be around me. It is rather contradictory I know, but it's the truth.

When I was 15 years old, I thought I had found the stability I had been craving for so long, in my then boyfriend Tom. We were together off and on for a little over 2 years, and we had a great relationship albeit rocky, but that's to be expected given that I was a teenage girl. He and I were great together, but sometimes good things go bad, people change, situations change, and people grow apart. It's a really sad thing to think about, but amazingly enough through all the hurt we caused each other, through every broken piece of ourselves, we ended up being friends. The pain took a long time to go away, and forgiveness took even longer...years to be exact, but today he's one of my best friends, and he knows there's always a special place for him in my heart. He is one of the few men I trust, and one of the few who knows almost everything there is to know about me. He was honestly with me through the hardest time of my life. Through my depression, my cutting, through it all. He was right there. He's always been there when I needed someone, even if he wasn't. I know that doesn't make sense, but to me it does. *Shrug*

More recently, was Aaron. I know...it's been a long time since I've even mentioned his name. He was a great friend to me in high school, and when we met up years later we had a great time together. He was a fun person with good morals, and he had his shit together. He was everything I wanted in someone, and we decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, as time went on things started to go sour. I know not many people know exactly what happened, or why..shit, I'm not even sure I do. I just know that the day I entered his world, I sent him into a downward spiral. Our lives together, were nothing if not a giant mess. We tried to make it anyways, tried to defy the odds...but that wasn't happening. His family hated me, I hated myself, and he tried his damndest to make things work regardless of how depressed he was as well. I am ashamed to say that I was acting like a spoiled brat when I was with him. I wanted to feel loved, taken care of, secure...I acted more like a child than I did his girlfriend. To this day, I regret the way things came to an end with him. When he was working all night (3rd shift) and sleeping all day because he was more tired than the average person as a diabetic, I spent my time online chatting with friends, or on the phone. After six months of the same pattern, I couldn't take it any more. I felt sad, and alone even though I wasn't. I felt like I had failed him, and that I wasn't worth the time or effort. I knew that I was just wasting his time. I knew that he didn't want the same things I wanted, at the same times I wanted them. I decided that a change of scenery would help things out. Help us out. I knew he wouldn't go. I honestly wanted him to. I did. I wanted to let him know that I was willing to try, but...he decided to let me go alone. And, like the spoiled bitch I was...I went. Not only did I leave, but he drove me. You see, all those times that he slept the day away, only to get up, eat, shower, and leave for work just to do it again in the morning, all those nights I was chatting online to Andrew. Yes, my husband Andrew.

With Andrew, for the first time in a long time I felt something. A spark. A connection. I don't know what it was. I had butterflies when he'd speak to me, I blushed when he called, I was finally getting the attention I craved. I was always his number one priority. He would stay up til 2 am to talk to me, even though he had to be up for work at 5. He would call me every night at 9 o'clock, even if he was out with his friends partying, drinking, doing whatever. I felt so special. I felt like I was finally worth something to someone. I didn't have to spend my days feeling useless anymore. Andrew quickly became the best friend I had, and while I didn't *intend* for anything to happen emotionally, it did. I couldn't help it that I fell in love with him. He was amazing.

So now here I am after spending my life trudging down this long, broken path..I'm at a fork in the road. I'm at a stopping point. I have a husband, and a daughter that I love dearly. I am doing my best to fight for what I've got, and keep it. I'm doing all that I can to keep that spark lit. My past is what has brought me to the present, and the present is what will bring me to my future. I stopped my drinking, smoking, cutting, pill popping prescription loving life style a few years ago. To this day, I wonder where I'd be if I hadn't. If those three significant people hadn't swooped in and changed my life. Where would I be now?? Would I even be here? Alive? I doubt it.....

I wish I knew now what I THOUGHT I knew all those years ago. I wish I had known then what was really important in life. I've burned so many bridges along the way. Hell to be honest, I've thrown grenades at them, blown them up, and burned them down. My life was never perfect, nor was I. I can see now what I was, who I was. I was the person i was always criticizing, the person I always said I NEVER wanted to be. I hope that now...somehow, those things can stay tucked inside my heart as a reminder that I will never be that person again. As a reminder that these people literally changed the story of Sarah. I only wish that I could go back in time, and tell myself how stupid I was.

What we hate, We create.

So to every person whose stuck up for me, stood by my side, held my hair back while I threw up from crying so hard, wiped away my tears....to every person whose taken the knife from my hands, stopped the bleeding, hidden the bottles, threw down the smokes....to everyone who ever put up with me because they KNEW there was good inside me, they knew that I had a big heart that was just filled with a whole lot of lonely......thank you so much for shaping the person I am today. Thank you for never giving up on me in my time of need. You are all amazing people, every single friend whose reading this. Every friend whose been there for me through thick and thin, even if you only did something small like invite me over to your house to sit around and watch t.v.....all of it, every little bit, made a huge difference in my life. I just wanted you all to know that.

You're amazing.
and I love you.

So for this new years: A toast to friends, both new and old alike.
*cheers*
I am currently Tired
I am listening to XM Radio

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You
12/15/2008 03:04 p.m.
You have taken everything I am, everything I love, everything I ever could be, and everything I ever worked for and you destroyed it. You have no guilt, no remorse, though you say otherwise. I hope it was worth it. I hope losing your whole world was worth the things you did to me. I am broken, I am shattered, I am numb. I was wrong about you, so very wrong. You are and always will be nothing but a boy, when I need a man. I'm not going to apologize this time, you did this to yourself. No matter how many times I forgave you, no matter how many times you looked me in the eyes and lied...this time is different. This time, you broke down the very essence of who I am. You are no role model. You are no good friend. You are nothing if a selfish child.
How can I forgive you?
How can I love you?
How can you be the man you are, and not the man you were..not the man I loved.


What the hell happened to you?
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Alterbridge

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My Daughter
10/18/2008 07:06 a.m.
So Its been a very long time since I've visited the site, and for that I apologise. I guess I have good reason though. I was on bedrest from September 22-October 13th even though I broke it a time or two. My pregnancy was dragging on slowly, and i was just trying to get everything situated in life. We got a new apartment, a second car, we got married, my husband is working his butt off at a worthless job, and we have just been busy all around. I'm here now though, and here's the story of how little miss Emma Jean was brought into the world.

I went into the hospital at 5 p.m. on the 13th of October to get induced. They were running a bit behind schedule and I didn't even get my cervidil until about seven thirty or eight p.m. I was up most of the night waiting to see if anything happened. I was hooked up to about forty seven billion machines, making sleep very difficult. They had me on a contraction monitor, Emmas heart rate monitor, a fluid Iv drip, a blood pressure cuff that took my pressure about every 30-60 minutes to monitor my hypertension..I think that covers it. Anyways it made for a hard nights sleep. Then the alarm that was hooked to my blood pressure monitor kept going off all night long. I was awake nearly every hour on the hour just waiting for something to change. Cervidil usually makes people dilate to 2-3 centimeters on its own. I went into the hospital at half. Yes, half a centimeter. After being on the cervidil until five a.m. I still only dilated to 1 cm. They took it out then, and let me take a shower before the "festivities" began.

At 6 a.m. they started me on pitocin. By 7, I was having contractions that were a little uncomfortable but nothing too bad. At 7:48 a.m. Dr. Gernt came in and broke my water. Thats a feeling you just don't forget btw. I didn't know that it just kept leaking after that, I thought it was a one shot thing. Anyways, my contractions got so strong so fast, that even the dr and nurses were shocked. They kept telling me "Girl, you are just banging out these contractions." I still wasn't in *too* much pain. Then, about an hour later they were so strong, and so close I felt like I wasn't getting a break. The nurse told me It would probably be a while before I could get my pain meds, but she checked me anyways. From 8-9 a.m. I went from 1 cm to 3 cm, and they gave me my epidural!! Yay. The epidural...was a bit of an ordeal with my scoliosis. It actually took them 5 shots of the numbing medicine, lanicaine If I'm not mistaken. Then it took them three tries, in three seperate locations on my back before they could thread it into my spine. Every time he tried to get the tube in, he would hit bone since my spine curves. I was a little jumpy, but honestly its nothing like people say it is. I felt the tiniest pinch of one shot of lanicaine, and after that I was fine. I was too busy trying to breathe through contractions, while he was trying to thread my spine to really even notice what was going on. Once I was all hooked up he gave me an injection or two right into my Iv so that I would feel better right away. I was so happy. I was only in painful labor for 1 1/2 hours before I got my epi. After that, things progressed rather quickly. It was about 10:15 when I got my epidural, and after that things were fine. They checked me throughout the day, and I was pretty much so high that I slept a lot. Andrews parents came in and our friends Andrew and Megan stopped by as well. I didn't look the best, but I really didn't care.

Once about 12:30-1:00 o'clock rolled around they noticed that with each contraction Emmas heart rate was dropping, so they had to put me on an oxygen mask. That was probably the most annoying part of everything. I was on it for about four hours before they let me take it off again. My entire mouth was dried out, and my lips were cracked. It was a pain in my butt. I was happy to have the mask off for a while though. I sat around for a while again waiting to see what would happen because my nurse checked me at 3:50 and said we should be ready to push soon. My in laws were still in the hospital room then, and we all just sort of sat around chatting. By 4:00 Andrews grandma had shown up and it was really just everyone waiting to see what would happen. The nurse sent everyone out to check me one last time, and then decided that it was time to push.

I started pushing at 4:45 and Emma was actually born at 5:18. I was only in active labor for about 8 hours. I hear that is pretty awesome for a first time baby. The pushing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I waited until I felt pressure to the point where it hurt through my epidural, and then I pushed. Its true what they say, all modesty goes out the window. I had my husband on my right, a nurse down between my legs, another at my left, and then people coming in and out of the room as I'm ass naked up in stirrups. Haha. Anyways, I wont say it didn't hurt but it was no where near as painful as I thought it would be. Even my dr was impressed by how fast I pushed Emma out. She told me during my labor that she thought I needed 4-5 more pushes to get Emma out, and I had her out in two. I was bound and determined.

On a more gruesome and gory note, I was really surprised that I didn't rip or tear much. My dr knew I didn't want to be 'cut' and she respected that. I did end up with a first degree tear which was so little its barely noticable. The dr. went ahead and sewed it up while they were cleaning up Emma, and all is fine and well now.

Emma was born at 5:18 p.m. and she only weighed a tiny little 6 pounds, 14 ounces. She isn't tall like her mommy either, she was only 18 inches long when she was born. She has a ton of dark brown hair, and her daddies brown eyes for now. (We'll see if that changes over time or not.) She also has her mommy AND grandmommies (my moms) crooked pinky toe. It's a family trait, and a cute one at that.

For now however, my little m&m is crying and Its almost feeding time, so for now I must go. I promise to update more soon!!

Peace and Love
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to My daughter whimper and my husband snore

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Time Marches On
06/09/2008 06:20 a.m.
Hello my blog reading friends! As many of you have noticed, I haven't had much to write about lately. I guess in part because I don't do anything besides sit around watching Andrew and his friends play video games, or Dragon Ball Z...and in part, because being pregnant makes doing crazy blog worthy things like traveling, or drinking impossible to do. So, instead of doing all these crazy, wild things, that you'd love to read about..I've been sitting here reflecting on life. I never would have imagined, when I was 17 and on my own, that this is where life would have led me. I was so thrilled to be able to make my own rules, and follow my own path..I never could have imagined that 5 years later I would be hundreds of miles from all the people I loved, creating a child with one of my best friends in the world. If you would have told me that back then, I would have thought you were crazy. Life has had so many twists and turns over the last five years, that I feel like Its been a non-stop ride. I have moved from house to house, from state to state, and back more times than I'd care to count. I've gone from being homeless, to helping homeless friends, to needing to be helped again myself. I've had my not so proud moments, like getting arrested, and staying with a man who didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I stuck around and dealt with abuse in every sense of the word. However, I've also had my proud moments. I graduated high school, and even though I dropped out of college, I did manage to go in the first place after taking a year off. I've battled low grade cancer of the cervix, I've battled depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. Ive had just about every social phobia one could ever imagine, and I spent three years of my life self inflicting wounds. It's really sad to think, that now a days I look back and laugh on the things that I almost thought were worth dying over. Even worse, is knowing that there are people out there who've actually died for less. I'm so glad that those years weren't my last, because I've had so much good happen in my life since then. We've all had hard lives, and lived through our own forms of personal tragedy. It's what we do to get through those things that are important.

During the past 3 years or so, I've taken some of my worst enemies and turned them into the best friends I've ever had. I've also had some of the best friends in my life, walk out on me in my time of need. I've been erased and replaced, more times than I care to count..and when I was younger, that would have cut me to the core, but now that I'm older I understand that your TRUE FRIENDS are the ones who will always be there for you. I've answered phone calls at 3 a.m. from a dead slumber for friends, I've answered the DOOR in similar situations. I've lent out my couch, my bed, my home, my phone, my car, and just about everything else you could imagine. I believe with all my heart that everyone needs someone to turn to in a time of need. I don't care if its a friend of a family member, or someone you just know will be there, if people couldn't turn to each other there would be no hope left. I will always be here for those who need me, and I know that I have a few friends who will always be there for me as well. No matter what happens in life. No matter how many people disappoint you, let you down, walk out on you, use you, hurt you, erase you from their lives like you were nothing...No matter how many times that happens, there are always going to be new people, and new friends you can count on. As much as people hate to realize it, time will always march on. Nothing we ever do or say, will stop that. So if you think today is hard, reflect on yesterday, tomorrow, last year, or next. Regardless of how bad things are now, they've been better, and will be once again. You just have to have faith.


Peace and Love
Sarah
(and baby Emma)
I am currently Tired

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Lifes Lessons
04/06/2008 01:49 a.m.
I can remember when I was little and all I�d ever think about was how much I wanted to grow up. I wanted to date young, get out of the house young, I started to party young, and I started to regret it young. I spent every day wishing I was old enough to stay out all night, wishing I could get into the bars and parties, and wanting nothing more than to just be able to make my own decisions. However, you learn something the day all those things come to pass. They mean nothing. Staying out as late as you want isn�t as glamourous when you realize there�s nothing to do in a small town. Bars and parties, oh please. I think I�ll just sit in a chamber filled with second hand smoke, stab myself in the liver, and throw my wallet out the window. The only plus side of the bars, is the social scene. So here I am, eleven days from my twenty second birthday, and I�ve been making my own decisions and living on my own since I was seventeen. When I left home I was pissed off at my parents, but happy to have my freedom. That was, until I realized that I wasn�t ready for it. I�ve spent the majority of my life for the past five years, living with others, trying to find a place where I was comfortable just being alone, spending time by myself, and where I didn�t need other people to validate my existence. I finally had the chance to make my own decisions, and time after time, I screwed them up. I had good intentions. I took a year off after high school, went back to college to get a teaching degree, was engaged to a guy I thought I knew..and then somewhere along the way I made another wrong choice. I quit college before I ever finished my first semester. I couldn�t deal with the pressure, the school work, the hours drive to and from school every day. I just wasn�t motivated, and I didn�t have the patience to teach kids, which was a huge blow to my life because it was the only thing I�d ever wanted to do. My engagement was to a guy who started off as my best friend, and ended as something more. The few years we spent together just became nothing but a downward spiral. There was constant screaming and fighting, we�d throw things at each other, I�d threaten suicide and he�d bring me a knife and tell me to go ahead and do it. After a while things got too physical for comfort, so I left and tried not to look back. I will admit that he was a hard habit to break and it has taken me a long time to realize that I�m worth more than the shit he put me through. I must admit he�s great at what he does, beats you down and builds you up so you think he�s the best thing there ever was. He makes it so you can�t leave him, and tells you how no one else will want you if you do. In hindsight, after the first six months when the shit started I should have left, but with him we all learned the hard way. (didn�t we?) For a long time after I left we�d have little talks back and fourth and to this day once in a great while he�ll shoot me a message. I keep my life as much away from him as possible these days. He�s on to his next victim, and she too will have to learn the hard way. So many things have happened in the past five years, and I just can�t help but wonder how different things might have been if I�d stayed at home with my parents, or If I�d gotten through college and found a great paying job. My life would be completely different, wouldn�t it? I wouldn�t be here at this juncture in life, and that would be devestating to me...of course I would never know of these events because they never would have taken place. All I know is that over the past five years I�ve had to learn lesson after lesson without any help. It�s like being thrown in the deepest end of the pool, with no help and not knowing how to swim. Either you choke and die, or you tread water the best you can. I may only be twenty two, but I�ve lived a lifetime more than most of you ever will, and half of you would believe. If you�ve read my blogs before I�m sure you know what I�m referring to. If curiousity hits you, let me know and I�ll elaborate...but for now, thats not the point. The point is that lifes little lessons were the hardest things I�ve ever had to learn. Most days I could have only hoped there would be someone there to hold my hand and lead me to the light on my darkest days, but never was I so lucky. Well, in a way I was because after years of cutting and daydreaming of nothing but suicide I�m still here today. I can�t lie and say I never tried to kill myself. Most people don�t know that side of things. Most of you just assumed I was a cutter. There are a few of you who knew, but not many. For instance, when I was almost ninteen years old I locked myself in the bathroom, took a bath, and downed an entire bottle of anti-depressants. I�m not talking about the last three in the bottle either. The guy I was with at the time broke down the bathroom door to get in and saw the bottle next to me, and rather than help me do you know what he did? He took another bottle out of the cabinent, threw the pills into the tub with me and said "Go ahead and do it." So, as disgusting as it sounds, I reached down into the bathwater, grabbed another handful of yet another anti depressant, and took them as well. At this point you may have realized that I had about four different types of pills in that cabinent, including Welbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor, and Zoloft. He sat there screaming at me, telling me how stupid I was and degrading me, all the meanwhile I just sat there in pill filled water staring off into space. Finally, after a long stint of screaming he goes and grabs my cell phone, drags me out of the tub and calls my mother. I can�t remember how late it was, but she answered and he said "Your daughter is trying to kill herself." I�m not sure if she remembers that, but I took the phone away from him and I was crying. I told my mom I wasn�t doing anything, that he was just being stupid. I remember her asking if I was okay, and if she needed to come get me. I told her no, and that I would be fine. She always did tell me she knew when things were wrong between him and I. She can read me like a book, and that�s no lie. I�ve always been very close to her, so for him to call her was a slap in the face to me. I didn�t want him upsetting her, regardless of our circumstances. I got up, and I got dressed..I walked into the living room, grabbed the keys to my buick and tried to leave. He came and told me I wasn�t allowed to drive, but I was so dizzy and light headed. The room was spinning, and I had tunnel vision so bad I thought I was going to go blind. I told him, but he didn�t care. He forced me to lie down on the living room floor, and stay awake until I started to feel better. Yes, thats right after I took as many pills as I could take, the guy who was always supposed to be there for me, lay me down on my back, and just left me there to �sober up.� Looking back now, I�m surprised I didn�t die that night. I probably should have. There were other times where I took a handful of pills, but probably never enough to do anything. I cut myself to make sure I could still feel the physical pain because emotionally I had been numb for so long. After my mom found out I was a cutter, she and my stepdad paid for me to see a therapist. if I remember right it was my decision to go, I just didn�t want her to be disappointed in me. Over the years I saw therapist after therapist, I was on pill after pill, and nothing worked. At one point I was on 3 anti depressants a day, and they had to try out 2 seperate tranqs on me because the anti depressants were such uppers I�d go three days without sleep. It got to the point where my hospital assigned me a medical manager to make sure I didn�t mix a lethal dose of drugs. Finally, just before my 20th birthday, I decided that I didn�t want to take pills anymore. It�s a dangerous thing to do, trying to fix yourself, but I�ve always been a pretty stubborn girl and that was my decision. I stopped going to my medical managers, I just set the pills in the cupboard and I just struggled. I struggled to get myself up in the mornings, I would sleep until 2 pm, get up go to the couch, lie down and fall asleep watching t.v. I had no motivations, no self respect, no will power. I struggled to eat, I struggled to stay awake, I struggled to find out who I was with life after pills. I never could tell for the longest time what was better, living life emotionally numb on pills, or living life emotionally numb without them. I mean, is there really much of a difference? Either way I felt inhuman. Sure there were a few nights where I had fun going out with friends, but the second I got home I got the loneliest feeling in the pit of my heart. Even when I wasn�t alone, I had never felt more lonely. I isolated myself from everyone who wanted to help me. The only time I went out was to go get drunk, and a few nights I just sat home and drank alone. I tried to self solve my depression, and I realized that sitting around in the dark, crying over what could have been, what should have been, and whats to come was never going to get me anywhere. I took some initiative and I started to travel. I went to Kansas, then Oklahoma, I made new friends and started to get my footing, then one day on a whim, I lost balance and just let it all fall down around me. I ended up pregnant and back home in Iowa to raise a baby alone, but at 9 weeks I lost it just as I�d lost my previous 2. My depression was worsening and I was fearing for my future.. I really had no idea what to do. I started to spend more time with my mom, I�d go to her house and just hang out, see my brother, talk to her a bit. It wasn�t an every day thing, but just being around her made me feel less worthless, less miserable, less like my existance didn�t mean anything. She always told me I was her only little girl, and for the life of me I can�t remember how many hard times that got me through. So back to the point, five years have passed. I�ve battled an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I�ve battled cutting, depression, suicide attempts, lost friendships, betrayals, The loss of children, The death of friends...I�ve battled losing myself, then finding myself, and repeating the pattern. Through everything, through the darkest moments, and the brightest days theres always been someone, somewhere guiding me through everything. I�m still here, and I�m still standing. I don�t know how or why. I don�t know what my purpose is, but I still have the chance to find out. It�s been two or three years since the last time I cut was, though there have been times where I�ve wanted nothing more than to grab the nearest object and tear open my flesh again. It takes a lot to able to rationalize with yourself in a suicidal moment. My heart goes out to those who can�t, and to those who can I say we�re blessed. The willpower I never had to do anything else in life, suddenly seems like it was the only thing that actually kept me alive. Lifes litte lessons are never an easy thing to learn, regardless of circumstance. Some of us are lucky enough to still be breathing, and others will never get the chance. Now, I�m not asking anyone to sit here and feel sorry for me, because it will get us no where. I�ve lived my life to the best of my ability thus far, and I will continue to do the same every day. I just thought I�d share with you, that in my 22 years of living, I�ve come to realize that the biggest lesson life has to offer, is that if you don�t speak up, you�re going to fade into the background and be forgotten. Now, I may only be remembered when I die as that girl on myspace who blogged too much, but isn�t that better than not being remembered at all?

So I will continue onward with my lifes journey, as happy as I can make myself and still pill free to this day. I am due to have a child of my own in October, and I�m going to make sure that they have, just as I did, the words of their mother echoing in their head, every step of the way...because who knows, that might be the one thing that saves them someday. Regardless of the hard times I�ve shared with my mother, I know she�ll always be there when I need her, even if her situation [*or husband*] doesn�t exactly approve of it. We share a bond in our hearts that even death won�t be able to shake. So for standing back and letting me learn all of lifes little lessons on my own, with as cruel as I thought you were being at the time mom, Thanks.


<3

And to everyone whose ever helped me see the light when I once again lost my way, I thank you as well.
I am currently Calm

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Emotions!!
03/01/2008 10:01 a.m.
I found out yesterday at about 4 p.m. that I was gonna have a baby. I'm really happy and excited, and the daddy is too. His family and mine are both being very supportive. I've had 3 miscarriages in the past, and I can only pray this time it works out for the best. Please keep me in your prayers.

I am currently Happy

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Things are looking up
02/26/2008 04:58 a.m.
I start on the floor at my new job tomorrow. I spent the last few days doing training. It's nothing fantastic, but its a paycheck so I can't complain. At least it's not fast food. I am excited about the job, so now I can find a nice place. Lately, I've been feelin pretty sick,and things are just...gettin to me.So a little bit of good news, has really lifted my spirits.

<3

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At A Loss For Words...
02/16/2008 12:19 a.m.
I wanted to beat this. I wanted to be stronger than this. I wanted to be able to deal with my bipolar disorder the same way I have been for the last almost two years. I dont really ignore it, but I don't much acknowledge it either. Lately I've been doing pretty badly. I know, surprising since I'm in Florida and all right? Well I am at my wits end. I've had breakdown after breakdown lately, and they're only getting worse. The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I'm not strong enough to overcome this. I don't want pills, I don't want to be totally and completely emotionally numb. However, at this point I'm not so certain my stance on that no pill theory remains the same... Lately little bitty things are annoying me, I'm frustrated all the time at nothing, and things that have never had so much of an inkling of an effect on me, are suddenly driving me crazy. To top that off, I'm crying for no reason again, and unfortunatly I'm losing control of my temper once more. No one really understands how difficult this disorder actually is and people like to pass judgement in thinking that it's all a big show, or you can control it but choose not to. I'm here to tell you that you can't. I'm not just some "moody girl" and it's not always about "that time of the month." Its a serious mental disorder, and I wonder if It was stupid to think that I could deal with it on my own. Don't get me wrong now, I'm not rushing off to the doctors for zombie pills just yet, I'm still trying to manage the best I can until I can afford to see a doctor and get his professional opinion on what my next step should be. I just would like to ask for any support that anyone can offer me right now. I'm feeling very fragile, and alone. I spent the last 45 minutes crying on Andrews shoulder, and he kept telling me it was going to be okay. I disagree. Having an unstable mental disorder isn't something that just gets better, or fixes itself, it's something that you really have to work hard with just to be able to be a 'normal' member of society. I wish that I could make people understand how hard it really is, I wish people would open their eyes a little bit...and seriously people, Bipolar was around long before Britney Spears. Read my blogs from years ago, you'll see the things I've gone through mentally and physically dealing with this. I would never wish it upon anyone, in any degree...But since I have it, and I can't quite figure out how to be 'myself' again, I'd really appreciate it if everyone just would sort of bear with me, and try to put yourself in my shoes. My days arent like yours, my thoughts arent like yours, the seratonin in my brain isnt sitting at the same levels as yours, and I cannot control my temper or emotions as easily as you. So Please, just understand how hard this is for me, be there for me, and I could use all the help and friends.. I can get.

Peace, Love, and Mental Stability to you all.
<3
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to The hum of a space heater

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