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pathetic.org :: member journal

The Journal of Mary J Anna

On not writing
03/20/2009 08:47 p.m.
Writing poetry has been very difficult lately but I finally broke through! I realized that I was really hindering my creative flow because I have been wanting to write about my fiance, but he only likes rhyming poems! I don't exactly have a formula when I write! But, alas, the dry spell is over and I managed to squeeze some stuff out! I will add it now, but it will need some changes! Happy Spring everyone!
I am currently Merry
I am listening to the toilet run

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01/29/2009 11:17 p.m.
I am contemplating removing some poems from my library. They are just bad. haha. I guess that's life though, win some lose some--I just don't have to have the losers exposed to the public!

Oh yeah, and still I have the writer's block!
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Stephane Pompougnac

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Soup for Supper
01/01/2009 11:03 p.m.
So much has happened in my life since I have joined pathetic.org. I am so grateful to have this space to express myself. It's been hard to write lately... I dunno why. I figured I'd just start by saying that. I've been focusing on being a more rational individual, which has been hard and def. not conducive to elaborate adjectives and head-in-the-clouds comparisons. I think this is good for my writing. As I read over my work, I realized how easily I let myself write my feelings. I let them flow and that was how I maintained some structure or rhyme/reason to them, by staying in the same voice... but I could have written more attentively. I could have represented my images with more tangible and understandable comparisons. In other words, sometimes my poems seemed off the deep end, scattered aimlessly all over the place switching favor and switching subjects... I needed more consciousness. it turns out that trying to be extremely conscious is also not very poetic for me. I say to myself, think more simply and embrace the silence. I have had some really good one liners- but the rest of the poems never seemed to come out. I guess that's how writing goes. I just never thought I'd have "writer's block," but here we are. standstill. I think I'll go try to squeeze something out...
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to the heater, no, the a/c, no, the heater, now the a/c .. lol!

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Poetry- Pathetic- Me...
09/05/2006 04:43 p.m.
To my former teacher,
an elementary science project

I suppose it's just an excuse, to think that I really don't have anything to offer. I don't really believe that about myself in general, but I am intimidated by the wealth of fabulous poetry. Maybe I am intimidated into writers block or solitude or some other creative outlet.

I know that I don't have to judge everything or anyone. I know that I don't have to live in comparisons; this is unhealthy, self-absorbing. I have been using my space on this site for what I recognize as the wrong reasons for me. I won't get better until my effort matches my will. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I have been writing. I don't know how not to write, and I am capable of expressing my thoughts through the cryptic world of art. Reflecting now the as it is, so be it.**

and now something to break the ice-
It didn't work out

I think you expected the world, or maybe three Fates in my perceivable two eyes. As if you thought I would chariot my way in your life and roll all over you... I was wishing you would choose me with your own will and I would wait. I wanted you to want me, in the little decisions, sometimes,.. checks and balances.

I think you expected me to be better than you- wiser, like I can hold myself, deeper, more open and old, as my face appears-ocassionally or up close. I wanted your eyes to be open and I didn't feel very confident last month. In fact, I played the fool in my shy behaviours. I hoped you saw through it. You had plenty of other evidence. I think with your awareness, the truth of the matter is that you didn't like what you saw- ever,.. seeing what you perceive, what you want- without, despite me.

I think you expected me to be different than I am. It's nearly true. But, I am not what you want by principles and experiences. My favorite line, you don't know me, for you though- did you really try? You asked me to do things that were not me, not then, and or not there. I would have done them some other time, and I know this is in truth. Yet I think you expected more and I tried to answer the wrong questions. Controlling the passing emotions, I have never expected your attention, though I have asked. I have never expected you to stop your interactions*, not even, or maybe ever, for hello.

*have you not noticed? It was to show you respect. You drew for me what I won't live out- those outdated, those pasts. Yes, I think you wanted me to take you. You must give your heart before I will hold it. Didn't you see what power and intensity love can bring? It isn't scary when you're ready.

I am currently Tired
I am listening to air moving, cars passing

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My Life in a YEAR -1984
06/27/2006 12:09 a.m.
This is the deal- it's been five years so I can read myself. I opened a book log and read who I am, now there isnothing left to look for anymore.

Winston Smith, this is the main character. He is very easy to identify with because he is not only the narrator's main focus but he is is so ordinary. He stands out against his complex and crazy governmentally run society. he is in a search, to find someone like him0 to find happiness and freedom. he is in a constant state of paranoa from the Thought Police. (oh bland irony)
He searches his soul constantly attempting to reach/touch his past- a purity that he feels he lacks and his soceity lacks.
This is the purity, innocence, freedom, that rules childood- it is essential.
His inabiliy tto recall much leads me to pose the following questions:
?Was his socelty recently taken captive by their government?
?Was he brainwashed through time, at once- or at all?
? DId he have a good childhood?
?Has there always been life as they know it?

I love to analyze- Consider the name: Winston Smith
Winston immediatly promted me to think of Winston Churchill. He wrote the Lutheran docrine and put it on the Catholic door. This is like Winston's Simth's attempt to find justice in his twisted world.
They are corrupt and he wants to find innocence. (intentions that breed)
Smith is So common; porbably the most common last name I know of... This give him that ordinary relatability- the perfect narrator and protagonist.

What is the importance of PArty members not going to ordinary shops?
I think it may have to do with the govt necessity to prvent all followers from glancing at a reality!
THen, now, in 2006, I must pause to consider this...
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to my past

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New re-Birth Poetry
06/25/2006 02:24 p.m.
I am writing a journal entry and not a poem.

I need to tell myself outloud what to do these days- it's refreshing when I feel too creepy about reading my voice after the fact, after I've done what I said... kinda like you're own medicine but in a really tricky way and without the sugar. Yeah, it's nice to write.

I'm so glad to be here. I have to say that again, too. I am just really really happy. I am home. I am a poet.

my family has always been in my head.
My family is like a lot of intentions and I have to have faith in them all.
My family says hello to me after we get off the pavement.
My family runs into me on the street; we see stars and fall down.
I love my family for loving me and not knowing me.
I love my family for working together at loving ourselves.

I love pathetic. (period)


:P :D :]

I wrote through the night and I was done at dawn on a Sunday.
I had a fever until my pencil was worn down and whittled into nothing.
Then I had the best journal entry eVeR...
well, for me at least.
yeah-pp yepp
<3 the best hearts for earthly loving look empty and are already satisfied.
that's the breadth i want behind my eyes, that's what i'm holding on for now- I can feel it again, like my heart beating involuntarily, it's there again, my heart, my heart, I'm home, it's there.

I love the way that the world is timed so chink-chinkidy. So, greased.
I love the way that the world calls something new into my life. It calls to my soul by saying, hey little one, there's a world out there and you're young. haha.
I'm good for now, thanks. I'm just pathetic and at home.
What did you expect?
I am currently Cool
I am listening to this morning (and cars going by)

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First Day Here
06/22/2006 12:03 a.m.
My first day at pathetic.org poetry school. I'm happy to be here. I'm excited about the comments, mostly the fact that I'm already feeling stretched! I've taken three creative writing workshops that focused primarily on poetry and I've learned SO little. The first was brutal and I couldn't hear anything the girls said, the teacher just told me to bring my work to him! More recently, I just haven't gotten the constructive input that I need. Thanks pathetic, you're a real heartwrenching uplifting resource. ;)
I am currently Sarcastic
I am listening to Scissor Sisters

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