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The Journal of Mary J Anna

Poetry- Pathetic- Me...
09/05/2006 04:43 p.m.
To my former teacher,
an elementary science project

I suppose it's just an excuse, to think that I really don't have anything to offer. I don't really believe that about myself in general, but I am intimidated by the wealth of fabulous poetry. Maybe I am intimidated into writers block or solitude or some other creative outlet.

I know that I don't have to judge everything or anyone. I know that I don't have to live in comparisons; this is unhealthy, self-absorbing. I have been using my space on this site for what I recognize as the wrong reasons for me. I won't get better until my effort matches my will. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I have been writing. I don't know how not to write, and I am capable of expressing my thoughts through the cryptic world of art. Reflecting now the as it is, so be it.**

and now something to break the ice-
It didn't work out

I think you expected the world, or maybe three Fates in my perceivable two eyes. As if you thought I would chariot my way in your life and roll all over you... I was wishing you would choose me with your own will and I would wait. I wanted you to want me, in the little decisions, sometimes,.. checks and balances.

I think you expected me to be better than you- wiser, like I can hold myself, deeper, more open and old, as my face appears-ocassionally or up close. I wanted your eyes to be open and I didn't feel very confident last month. In fact, I played the fool in my shy behaviours. I hoped you saw through it. You had plenty of other evidence. I think with your awareness, the truth of the matter is that you didn't like what you saw- ever,.. seeing what you perceive, what you want- without, despite me.

I think you expected me to be different than I am. It's nearly true. But, I am not what you want by principles and experiences. My favorite line, you don't know me, for you though- did you really try? You asked me to do things that were not me, not then, and or not there. I would have done them some other time, and I know this is in truth. Yet I think you expected more and I tried to answer the wrong questions. Controlling the passing emotions, I have never expected your attention, though I have asked. I have never expected you to stop your interactions*, not even, or maybe ever, for hello.

*have you not noticed? It was to show you respect. You drew for me what I won't live out- those outdated, those pasts. Yes, I think you wanted me to take you. You must give your heart before I will hold it. Didn't you see what power and intensity love can bring? It isn't scary when you're ready.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to air moving, cars passing

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