emotional ridiculosityness
11/04/2008 01:49 a.m.
What is it about emotions that causes such severe and uncharacteristic mood swings, lapses in judgement, and colluded vision? Not only have I experienced this helplessness myself, but I have seen friends and family in utter shambles because of strong emotions as well. I've seen people turn to drugs and/or alcohol to escape the terrors in their own minds and hearts. People drop out of school, lose their jobs, lose their homes, move halfway across the world, blow massive amounts of money, turn to crime, become violent, all in hopes to alleviate the captive and destructive effects of emotions on the mind. I personally turned to drugs, lost sight of my educational goals (without dropping out), moved halfway across the country, blew large amounts of money, and had sex with many people I normally wouldn't...all in an attempt to recreate myself, or fill a void that he left, or to distract my mind for as much time as possible so as not to dwell on the pain in my heart and the void in my bed and the loss of my best friend and lover. I ran from life for two years because I could not grasp control, I could not exercise will, set meaningful goals, or follow through on anything. I ran until running exhausted me, until I became numb. I ran until numbness washed over me and every boy I slept with didn't remind me of him, in appearance, behavior, or lack of similarity. I ran until my ability to function in life could rely solely on routine, a robot in flesh, a heart too occupied with picking itself up to expend energy on my loved ones. I ran myself into a hole, a crevice in which there is no left, right, up, or down. There was only the space I occupied, the body that contained my mind and heart. People were always around me, but only the hairs on my skin knew...my lips moved, my eyes connected with theirs, I functioned though my mind and heart were elsewhere. I hurt people without ever having the presence to understand that I was even hurting them. I was toxic.

What am I now?
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Misery Business

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A higher inspiration
11/12/2004 08:46 p.m.
Well well well, what a week it has been. Now I'm sitting here, finally sober, on the second afternoon of homecoming week here at the top party school, University of Florida. This week was just one of those weeks that confessionalist poets love...I had so many heart wrenching lows and so many manic highs in about a 9 day period. First off I just want to say how fucked up dating around is...it's really fucking hard. I don't know about other people, but I usually end up infatuated with one person, usually the one I can not have at the moment, and then I can not decide how to split my time among the others because they are all great in their own ways. So anyways my poetry teacher now knows that I've shown up to class high at times, especially last wednesday...I just couldn't muster the energy to go anywhere without the help of marijuana; I was so dejected and miserable after Kerry's concession. And then this week was insane in class, all we seemed to talk about was sex and drugs (and apparently I am the sex, drug poet in class, or at least that is what they associate me with because some of my poems that I've turned in for workshopping are vivid in detail regarding sex and drug use.) It was fun though, even if the workshops aren't very helpful (there's only a few poets in the class, the rest are...just unexplainable, but definitely not poets.) Wow, I've used a lot of parenthesis in this post. Anyways, I have someone trying to tell me I was a dick last nite because I couldn't drive them somewhere due to my being high(I don't blame them, I was pretty dicky...)
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Ani-32 flavors

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Disorderly boredom
11/04/2004 05:53 p.m.
For lack of better things or people to do, I find myself everyday wandering in and out of consciousness, slipping in and out of class, carrying sporadic online conversations, ignoring those talking to me in person, neglecting my little chihuahua american, searching my computer files, smoking marijuana, masturbating, forgetting to eat, eating foods that are not healthful but so delicious, playing with my earrings, cursing middle America, laughing at the irony of our President re-elect, getting lost in the mesmerizing propaganda of the Foxs News Channel, picking my nose, listening to music--without really listening, constantly assuring myself that I'm better than I make out to be, emphasizing the importance of social interraction while denying myself concurrently, aimlessly writing down thoughts in hopes to spur inspiration enough to write a poem, obsessing over the temporarily unattainable, estranging myself from people who love me--merely because they no longer interest me nor intrigue me, questioning my own life choices, wondering what I have done to cause my current situations, placing undue burdens on my heart because it is in my nature to do so, researching trivial--yet mesmerizing material such as astrology or current pop-culture trends, being superficial when it comes to attractiveness, pulling apart people I care about or are interested in--exposing their weaknesses--failing to overlook them unless they first overlook mine, longing for love, and finally diagnosing my likely disorders, never once questioning their possible onset.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Portishead

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