Vermont to Illinois
12/27/2004 04:34 p.m.
Well...

after much deliberation, I've decided to forego my Vermont acceptance and apply to Ragdale in my hometown of Illinois. I won't have to buy plane tickets and for two weeks it would be $300-ish dollars, which is what I paid for the DEPOST on the Vermont Studio Center.

I feel very sad about not going to Vermont. I can only hope that one day they will accept me and either they will offer me more financial aid or I have more money saved.

In the meantime, I have to apply to Ragdale. IF THEY don't accept me, I'm fairly screwed. So I'm taking a big leap of faith here.

A friend sent me a wonderful quote:

"(P)erhaps you will have to decide whether you want to take responsibility for your destiny, whatever choice you make...In other words, you are going to have to make the decision, and whatever decision you make, take responsibility for choosing that life. Sometimes we have to take really tough decisions. The important thing is to know that YOU chose and to live the best life you can, whichever choice you make."

Ain't that the truth!
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to silence

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Vermont advice needed
12/26/2004 02:40 a.m.
Please, fellow poets, read about my acceptance into the Vermont Studio Centner (www.vermontstudiocenter.org) and give me some advice or your opinion.

Between now and the end of May, I have to come up with $2500 for the month-long residency. This is a lot of money, comparably speaking, I am told.

A teacher of mine says I ought to forego it and apply to a residency that does not cost as much. She says that I should apply next year or the one after to the Vermont as well as the other biggees like Bread Loaf and Yaddo (once a book is published) because I "shouldn't have to" pay that much money. She was sweet enough to say I'm "too talented to pay that much."

And, indeed, I looked at some of the other residencies that she suggested. One in Wyoming looks good. And then there's Ragdale which is in Lake Forest, IL, a place I know from growing up in Harwood Heights, and you only have to pay $25 per DAY... for 2 weeks that roughly equals the deposit I put down for Vermont last month - $300.

So... I'm thinking... if I had this huge amount of money to save off my shoulders...I'll feel a lot lighter....

yet... being accepted to Vermont is VERY good and it's such a prestigious place...

oh dear,

will someone give me opinions and such? I'll ultimately decide, myself, but I'd love to converse with anyone who might have an opinion.

Thank you!
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to "At Last" by Etta James

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Decisions of a Poet
12/21/2004 02:05 a.m.
Since I've written, I attended the other MFA's poetry reading. I was blown away by P's poetry. I thought he was so blaze (blahzay) and sarcastic, then he pulls out this highly emotionally-charged stuff and it just stunned me.
I was so proud of my fellow MFA-ers. This semester that just ended last week was our last workshop together. Unfortunately, the beginning of the workshop sucked because our teacher was just horrible. She openly said in conferences that her tactic was to humiliate students in front of each other and that she was going to be the "bitch." Because we had to encounter them sometime.

Oh, I encounter plenty of that sort in daily life, thank you very much.

A hoard of us went and complained to the higher-ups and each told her what problems we had with the class.

It took a few weeks, but suddenly she seemed to be a different person. She had a sense of humor, she wasn't so mean and vindictive.... by the end of the class, I realized that I had learned a lot about form (namely, I need to start thinking about it more) and I would miss that class. Especially since it's the last official one we'll be in together.

Next semester, our last one, is when we focus on our theses - our books. Or "pile of best stuff."

I wrote about going to the Vermont Studio Center next June. I'm still excited, but I have to come up wtih $2500 by the end of May.

One of my instructors emailed me (we are very good friends besides this) and told me I was too talented not to get a full scholarship there and to try next year. Meanwhile, she said, I should go to a place such as Ragdale in Lake Forest, IL, where you'd pay $25 per day to do the same things. For 2 weeks that approximately $300-something dollars. Quite a difference...

But I dream about going to Vermont... it's the prestige... oh, I don't know. I don't want to turn down a good opportunity...


I am currently Blessed
I am listening to silence at work

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Vermont Studio Center
11/25/2004 07:30 p.m.
What an opportunity! I got accepted into the Vermont Studio Center (http://www.vermontstudiocenter.org) which is a highly-renowned writers colony. I will be going during the month of June, 2005 and I'll get my own room and studio to write in.

Wow... basking in thought...

Please, oh please let me not get writer's block there...


I am currently Overwhelmed

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New Zealand Confuses Me
11/01/2004 10:08 p.m.
Well, The Southern Ocean Review (http://www.arts.org.nz/sor33.htm) published "The Horse and the Puddle" this month. I didn't get a notice that it was online and not only that, but they published a different poem than they told me they would. Hhmm. I wrote them and they said they had made a mistake. It all worked out because this poem isn't pre-published, but if it had been, there might have been a problem.

Still, I can't not like a literary journal that decides to publish me!
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to a folk singer's CD my friend gave me

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Blue Ox Reading
10/21/2004 05:10 p.m.
Tonight I read at the Blue Ox Reading at my university. It is meant to be the big MFA reading. 3 out of the 6 poets are to read. In December, the remaining 3 poets read.

I go first, which I am glad of because I won't have to follow anyone. I've read poetry all over Madison, but I've been absent from it for awhile. I feel good about tonight.

I've also been made aware that I should start thinking about fellowships, etc. for after I graduate from the MFA program.

Do I find work in any field that will take me?

Do I find work in the literary field?

Do I find another MFA program to go to to buy time for me to write (and will my boyfriend up and move with me?)

Do I apply for fellowships?

So many decisions...

I am currently Questioning
I am listening to the noise a room full of computers make.

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Publication - that sweet old cat
08/22/2004 11:58 p.m.
Hhmmm.... am I eating my words? One day I'm writing about jealousy and wistfully wishing I had what XXX did or was published more like YYY.

Today I just got notice that my poem, "Children, split" is going to be published in the October issue of The Southern Ocean Review, put out in New Zealand.

I am so excited. I haven't written as much as I would have liked this summer and only did a mass submission at the beginning of the summer...so getting this notice was and is a big thrill. Just proves that I have to keep going, always keep going.

By the way, I definitely recommend that audiotape dialogue between Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg.
I am currently Excited
I am listening to my boyfriend's TV downstairs - is that animal's funniest videos?

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Jealousy - that mean old dog
08/20/2004 06:59 p.m.
Jealousy is an important and prevelant topic in my life at the moment. I find myself, in poetry workshops in my grad program, listening to XXX read his/her poem and thinking to myself, "I suck. His/her poems are so much better; I'm too YYY or too ZZZ. They're just right. I should just give up."

Pretty extreme, wouldn't you say? Yet how many of you have felt that way?

I am a big fan of Natalie Goldberg and I'm currently listening to an audiotape of her in conversation with Julia Cameron, another writer/teacher. The interviewer asked what they thought of jealousy. Paraphrased, of course, here is what they said:

[when you hear a poem that makes you think that you are a bad poet... do not think that way... instead, be appreciative of having heard such a poem, a new sort of poem for you, and silently thank that person for leading you in the right direction of what type of poem you'd like to try one day. ]

It may sound all hoytie-toytie and mushy and even new-agey, but I really understand that. Other peoples' success shoudln't infringe upon our own. If anything, jealousy should be a fire that gets under us and gets us going.

"Hear how good that poem was?" Psyche says. "Now go home and try what that person did."

If anything, you'll be trying something new. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And if it does, your new successful poem owes a lot to that person you were jealous of.
I am currently Proud
I am listening to the fan blowing in back of me

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Welcome to my Poetry World
08/20/2004 06:48 p.m.
You would not believe how many journals I have - online and book-bound. I've been keeping a journal since I was 10 years old. Since then, I've filled 70 books. I now feel a responsibility to document my life. It's become a duty, of sorts. Why, I don't know.

Well, I'm not going to keep a general journal here at pathetic.org (I really wish they could change that name...I don't want to be seen as pathetic).

To view my thoughts on my life and general matters, you may view my blog which is listed on my pathetic.org profile page. Or simply ask me how I'm doing.

I think I will use these journal pages to talk about what I'm learning, poetically speaking.

I'm in graduate school and am constantly learning new things about poetry - mine and others.

I would like to come to these journal pages on occasion and share my insights and discoveries.

With that, I hope you enjoy my poetry and I thank you for taking the time to read it.


I am currently Creative
I am listening to Elvis

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