Life Changes
12/30/2005 08:33 p.m.
I have a new boyfriend.
I have a new job.
I'm seven months into my new apartment.
I am exercising.

Yet I am not writing.

Ever since I graduated with my MFA I've been stuck. Sure, I've written a poem here or there, but none like I did in school. Was it that they forced me to?

I feel adrift not having new poems to work on, so I am working on submitting my book, Romantic Circus Songs.


I am currently Bothered
I am listening to Rebecca Martin

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Update
09/04/2005 03:38 a.m.
God, has it been this long?

Kay, thank you for that comment. I didn't even know anyone commented! I'm glad you stuck it out, too.

So.. here I am. I've graduated with my MFA in Poetry, I'm in my apartment, decorated just the way I like it. I am greeted by Callie's trills when I come home.

And work? Something I never thought I'd be doing.

I'm an activities director for Alzheimer and dementia residents at an assisted living home. That job fills my heart up and I almost feel guilty for getting paid to love people who want nothing more than to be loved.

Through the summer, Alex and I saw each other frequently... going out and having a good time...staying in and having too good of a time if you know what I mean.

But just this week, we met and discussed the future.

And we are split. For good.

I know it's for the best, but like I said, my heart is in splinters. He was all I had for three and a half years. He's my only best friend in Madison.

Now comes the time when I have to reach out and meet new people. I'm not in search of Mr. Right right now. Of course not. I need to heal and learn to love ME -- but some new friends would be grand.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to crickets outside

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Change
04/09/2005 04:18 p.m.
It's decided. He and I will break up. It's painful. It's pain like I've never known, even though I'm the one breaking up with him.

I just need to know that I can take care of myself. I've always been dependent on someone else and I didn't want to commit and become dependent for the rest of my life.

My mind dances with the idea of decorating my own little apartment, coming home to my cat, hearing her trill. I will shape my surroundings with love. I will surround myself with inspiration. Hang up SARK cards everywhere. Make the closet into a meditation space. Get a simple desk and discilpine myself to sit and write - often!

For I will be officially out of graduate school. I will have my MFA. I will be working somewhere in the real world so I will have to really make myself take time out for ME.

I am scared of the loneliness. I am scared of the emptiness.

But I've felt worse before. Last week I came an inch close to killing myself. I lived through that. I can live through this.

"Oh look! The barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon."

I am currently Proud
I am listening to my breathing

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Right Now
04/02/2005 10:00 p.m.
Right Now I am grateful for David who wrote me and said I was interesting.

Right now I am grateful for being alive. Because I've been suicidal off and on for a while, on new medication, it's just been a mess.

Right now I'm grateful for my boyfriend, for his infinite patience and love - it shows because he's still here!

Right now I'm excited to be reading on Wisconsin Public Radio tonight- reading my poems.

Right now I can breathe. I've not been able to breathe for the past few days. I wonder how long it will last.

Right now I'm wondering what draw depression has for me, why I've been stuck in it for over twenty years. Why I've chosen to. Part choice, part have-to because of chemicals.

Right now I'm wondering how Kyle Anne is doing with her son...

Right now I'm feeling fat because this stupid Lithium is supposed to make me gain weight and that is NOT what I want.

Right now I'm at work playing on the internet because there's nothing left to do.

Right now just about the only thing getting me through each day is working on my thesis and book. Almost done. Then what?

Right now I am jealous of colleagues that have been published and awarded but plan on fighting that jealousy by submitting a whole butt-load of poems out tonight and tomorrow.

Right now I'm proud of myself for crawling out of the hole.

Right now I'm trying to feel big.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to nada

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Oh, about Boyfriend
03/25/2005 01:45 a.m.
Boyfriend and I are still together. We're in couples therapy which has been a blessing for us, but hard work. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary last weekend. I am very happy with the work we are doing. He is challenging me to do things, emotionally, that is saving my life. It's scary to think where I'd be if he hadn't come along.

I love him madly and sanely.

This was just an update to anyone who was curious... .but somehow I don't think many people read this journal. Hahah. not very interesting, is it.
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to nada

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I honor Kyle Anne Kish
03/25/2005 01:43 a.m.
Kyle Anne Kish is a name I see EVERYWHERE around here. In the Sylvia Plath Society of Hope, she is everyone's shoulder to lean on and she shares her own struggles bravely and with dignity and honesty. Her writing is awesome, which should be my main point, but she is just an awesome human being.

Thank you Kyle Anne for being here.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to Tori Amos "Marianne"

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Good music and surroundings
02/05/2005 04:00 p.m.
Like I said, I'm diving into my creative projects as a way to keep me going.
One project is a poetry sequence about the Shaker religion. I've bought music, postcards and books to surround myself with. When I hear the choral ladies sing "Come Life, Shaker Life," I get goose bumps. The poems in that series won't be all that pure and innocent. I mean, they couldn't procreate. No sex. How did they let out all that built up energy? In the old days, the 17 and 1800's, they whirled, spun, and sang like the devil, some people said. Ann Lee, the founder, especially.

Then seven of them went overseas to NYC and as generations passed and as new converters were brought to the villages, the religion continued.

As of 1996, I believe, there were only 11 Shakers left in the world. What does that mean? Are we missing something? A jigsaw of religion missing?

My second project is one on autism. I highly recommend the book "I Don't Want to Be Inside Me Anymore." Go on half.com to look for it. It's by Birger Sellin, a german lad.

It's amazing... and so is Nowhere Nobody (I think that's the title) by Donna Williams.
For that project I bought Phillip Glass music... music that seems to be repetative and spiraling..sometimes maddening... sometimes calm. Haven't started that series except for one poem... but I will get to them, probably over the summer.

So, what music do I suggest to write to? Think of the mood of the poem, like I did. For the Shakers, I'm listening to Shaker hymns, for the autism Phillip Glass, when I wrote the poem "Romantic Circus Songs" I tried to get old calliope circus music... but found that too cheery...which my poem was definitely not. I found the music of Yann Tiersen - the music writer for "Amelie" - to help me out. His own solo album, however. It sounded like a sad circus.

And as for the postcards of the Old Testement pictures, I'm making a binder for them and I will look at them when I write the Shaker poems.

So next time you sit down to write, think about what might aid you... drinking a certain drink? Alcohol? Tea? Coffee? Eating something from that time period... or listening to music that resonates with the tone of your poem.

Possibilities are endless.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Phillip Glass

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No Break-Up, Break-Up, No Break-Up, Break-Up
02/05/2005 03:32 p.m.
I'm in pain and confusion. We decided to work on it till May. We're in counseling, he's trying his best... and I'm afraid that because I am in this deep depression (like not caring about anything), I don't want to be in this anymore.

I swear, the only thing going is my thesis that is due late April.

Then what? I'm trying to make creative projects for myself to keep me going.

How long, until I'm 70? Will I have to "create projects" for myself to keep from dying?

I already have to recite the alphabet at night just to go to sleep and push out those nasty voices.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to air conditioner at work

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Break-up
01/24/2005 02:45 p.m.
This is not about writing. Well, it is because so many break-up poems are begging to burst out.
But it is about survival and pain.

It was my choice, but after almost 3 years, my boyfriend and I are breaking up. He is against it.

I need to hold strong because it IS the right thing to do.

But I'm acutely aware of how much I will miss with him being gone.

i feel broken open and all I can is write and write and write hoping that the tears on the pages will give me some relief.
I am currently Hurt
I am listening to Suzanne Vega

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Success and the Wall
01/15/2005 12:28 p.m.
I've been asked to do a poetry reading on the 23rd. And I'll be on Wisconsin Public Radio on April 2nd.

I'm also in psychological danger.

We'll see how I get through this weekend. I consult my dr. on tuesday.

please send me good thoughts.


I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to sound of my breathing

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