A Dream: Morning of Jan. 24, 2006
01/24/2006 08:27 p.m.

I was a child in the dream accompanied by a boy my age, around 10 years old or so. He was my friend and we were in what we thought was an abandoned house. I don't know why we were there. We realized that the house wasn't abandoned after all when a large-bodied older man suddenly made himself known. He came directly towards me, grabbing me maliciously and close to his body, holding me down. The little boy tried to help me, and when he did so the man let me go and held him down instead. That’s when I jumped on the man so that he would leave my friend alone, and as I did, he let the boy go and just concentrated on me. I saw the boy running as the old man had me on the ground and I felt such happiness that he was free from danger. At that moment I didn’t care what happened to me because the boy, who was precious to me, was safe.

Suddenly my perspective shifted from being the girl to being the boy running out of the house. But I could still feel the little girl within me, intuitively knowing that the man would be locking 'me/her' up, and doing something horrible to 'me/her'. As the boy, I ran outside with the intention of finding help. I happened upon some adults walking on the dirt road down the way, and without uttering a single word I turned around and started running back towards the house, beckoning them to follow me. The adults ran after me knowing that there was trouble despite my silence.

When I got back to the house I just stopped and looked at it from the outside. Everything seemed so calm from the outside. I just stared in silence, knowing that if we entered the house we would neither find the girl nor the man, that the house would be empty of all evidence, and that the man had killed her and I was too late to do anything.

As the boy I never spoke a word, not before the incident nor after. I left the dream moving upwards out of the boy’s perspective and began to see the entire scene as a whole. The silent boy staring at the outside of a pretty and empty house, two adults behind him scratching their heads, and I, now the fly on the wall observer, knowing that the boy knew the girl had sacrificed herself for him.

Then I woke up.


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Two Lines Emerged...
12/31/2005 08:16 p.m.


as I was falling asleep on the couch today. They simply appeared somehow when I wasn't thinking of them at all, and at that moment their meaning was deeply engrained in the understanding of my subconscious:

Dream but do not become a Dreamer.
Hope but do not become Hopeful.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And this is what I realized:

One MUST dream of the impossible in order to grow in a meaningful way, to climb the evolutionary ladder. One MUST be receptive and open to new ideas, to change, and to the unimaginable developments of the imagination. But the line is so thin, and one will be lost forever if he makes dreaming his occupation. To live and die in dreams is to miss, as my good friend once said to me, "the living dreams of refined life."

So, hope for the sake of expanding your boundaries. Hope for the sake of encouraging your ACTION to attain a meaningful LIFE in BECOMING who you want to BE. But never make a living out of hoping. Never live within the boundaries of your hopes, because true LIFE is contained without them, in the dire realm of hopelessness. It is here that hopes are most beautiful, where complete acceptance becomes YOU, and YOU become ONE with the immovable realm of WHAT IS...

I am listening to Poor Sick Haley Wanting to Play

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A Dream: Cleaning the Room
12/25/2005 03:40 p.m.
Dream on December 23rd:

I was living in a house with some others, some roommates of sorts. There were things to be done. One of those things to be done was a cleaning of the living room from very sharp large thorns that seemed to be stuck to parts of the carpet and couch. I was picking them off one by one from the couch. My male roommate who was crouched with his head to the floor picked up two thorns from the ground and then said, "forget it, I'm going to bed."

Somehow, I became even more determined to pick off those thorns. Then my second roommate said, “I want to practice my guitar, I wrote a song you know. I didn't realize it was going to be so popular." I replied, "Popular? But I thought you haven't finished it yet?" She said, "well, it's been two years but I'm almost done." Then she suddenly said with mischievous enthusiasm, "oh just forget practicing! Let's go get a deuce of beer and hang out instead!"

I replied to her, "Yes, that would be fun. But WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?"


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Do Not Lament Your Helplessness, Take EVERY Chance Afforded
12/11/2005 05:06 p.m.

Written December 7th, 2005

Today I heard a news story on NPR about “honor killings,” an act practiced my some conservative Muslim tribes. All quotes are paraphrases of what I distinctly remember being said. Today’s story comes from one of the small tribes in Iraq, where a 16-year old girl, “the light of our family” her father said, was abducted by some men. The abductors called her brother and said they wanted a ransom or else she would be raped and killed. Though the brother gave the ransom and she was returned, the male family members were set upon their task, and did not even ask her what happened. “She never expected us to do what we did,” said her father. When we picked her up “she was crying hysterically running to us, and I saw it in her eyes that she was expecting us to hold her tight in our arms and comfort her…instead she got the bullets.” Her cousin shot her because her brother and her father could not bring themselves to do so. And even though her mother protested at first, she later became silent seeing, as the cousin explains, “that it would not benefit her own situation to do so.” The young girl was killed in the name of “honor.” That her virginity may have been taken by rape or otherwise, is considered by them a disgrace upon the entire family. “If her virginity has been taken, then she is unclean, and brings a scandal upon our heads” her cousin said. These killings hardly ever reach the courts, nor do any tribe members or family members get in the way, rather, they turn a blind eye. Though her mother and siblings were all weeping, no one dared protest. Her cousin says that after he shot her he suddenly thought to himself, “what have I done?” But then he said that he would do it again if he had to, because her life would have become a hell. Her family would have had to imprison her in the house never to let her out, and her father would never again be able to raise his head in public. He said, “It is better for her that she is dead.” A conservative Shiite female gynecologist says that often men will bring in their wives to ask for a check up to see if they are still virgins. If she finds that they are not, she cannot tell the family for fear of their reaction and she avoids the question. Instead, she points them to a morgue where there are a group of people charged with determining whether or not her hymen is still intact. If it is not, then she may well end up back in that morgue for good. This Dr. believes that a woman should be punished for infidelity, but not for being a victim of rape. Meanwhile, other human rights groups are working to try and protect the rights of these women. All too often these “honor killings” become guises for domestic violence, one such organization member said. Currently, there are only one or two shelters in Iraq that house those women who are in danger. The cousin of the young girl admits that he beats his wife with a rod and says, “this too is part of our honor system, and it is ingrained in us. When a man is abducted, his safe return brings with it a cause for celebration. When a woman is safely returned she brings back with her only shame and disgrace. But nothing will change, we will continue to do these things because it is tradition, it is deeply rooted in our belief system. How can it change? How can it?” He asks defiantly.

The story speaks for itself. Obviously it is a stroke of luck and coincidence alone that places each individual in their particular set of circumstances, culture, religion, country, and family. It is because I live “here” that I do not have “those” ideals. Or perhaps, if I lived “there” I could not fight these ideals and beliefs for fear that I too might be murdered in the name of “honor” or quite simply, for my defiance of tradition. Whatever the inhumane treatment found in this world, whatever atrocities one human afflicts onto another, and for whatever reason, I feel obligated to question this most hideous and ugly nature of mankind. If I had been born there, would I too stand by idly while my daughter was killed? If I were born a man of that tribe, would I too have become so entangled in my beliefs that I could close my eyes to any form of human logic or rationale and work against nature to slaughter my own offspring? Would I too cease to question those traditions that shed the blood of those I love in order to save the so-called good name of my family? I wonder what these things we call “beliefs” really are, and why we are so adamant to create all kinds of nonsensical myths and traditions, believing them without question simply because they have been passed down from generation to generation. Believing them without consideration of their origins or the possibility and necessity of change. I wonder how it is that we can be so ugly inside as to justify the torture and murder of our own seed for the sake of some intangible concept of reputation shared by others? Is it fear that drives us to act upon the irrational traditions of the common belief system? What is it that makes us blind enough to believe that an act that is clearly against nature’s order is perfectly sensible? Is it power or pleasure? What is it that manifests within ME this hideous ugly potential? Because how can this ugliness not lie somewhere within my own potential when it can lie in the potential of all others? Indeed it does lie within me. I too am part of the mass conception of reality, the CROWD without contained many places within. This man was very right when he said, “It is tradition. How can it change?” Yes, how can it change when one is unwilling to change? How can it change when one is unwilling to break the chain for fear of repercussions, or for power’s sake, or pleasure’s sake? But well, most people are simply blind, believing what is irrational to be common sense, though unlike this fellow here who seems aware but still unwilling to rebel or change even if it is just from within without the knowledge of those who might ‘ruin him’.

The truth is that I very well could have been that man, and I very well could have been that mother, or her weeping siblings, or that girl herself. And it is only the one who’s INDIVIDUAL within remains intact who has the potential to question and to rebel against the common belief system. It is only one who has this individual within him who can SEE beyond to question the common beliefs. And an individual is only created when one is receptive to that first impression which can create it. But who has the potential to be receptive? Why is one man receptive to the impression and another not? This too is a matter of coincidence. For I, even in believing that I am open to any idea, am still subject only to my conditioning and to my genetics. Yet if to this potential reception I am lucky enough to be born, then why should I lament my helplessness in having the potential within to be an individual? I believe that beliefs should never be set in stone, nor any conviction lain to rest for good within the vault of the flawed mechanism of mind…this belief too must be malleable. I should be willing to reconsider any belief if I were to be present before a glimpse of ‘truth’ not only when it shakes the foundation of that belief, but even if it were to gently nudge it. The only shame is that this unlucky girl too could have had that potential which so few will have. She may have been one of the lucky few if not for her tragic lack of luck brought on by the chain of events, and the law of chance and all those other laws we are so helplessly tied to. Then again, if we know we cannot transcend the million natural laws that sometimes have us behaving unnaturally (or even too naturally,) then we can perhaps learn to manipulate them from within the confines of our chains, stretching them to their limits by using their weaknesses to counter their strengths. What limits we have are hardly ever percieved, let alone tested. So, if the laws so happen to coincidentally OPEN MY EYES, then I must never justify my idleness by labeling myself "helpless," but shall embrace my helplesness in order to transcend the psychological grip that confines me to defining my limits, instead of determining them...



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You Cannot Fill Emptiness with Emptiness
10/15/2005 01:35 p.m.

Have you ever been so afraid of death, loss, and being alone that you have feared life itself? Have you ever noticed that when you fear life you have started to live your death, your loss, and you have actually become utterly alone? Have you noticed that fear always breeds hatred most significantly directed towards the self, killing any presence of genuine self love? Do you SEE and realize that you have brought upon your own head those very things you are afraid of? And why? For no other reason than you are afraid of some projected thought? You are afraid of a mind-made projected illusion drawn from past fears. This is fear of fear. Where it holds you depends on where you first held the fear.

When you miss yourself you miss any meaning, any love, any joy, any beauty. You become the death of "I" once and for all silencing her. What are the chances she re-emerges when those others block all quality impressions for her to feed on? What are the chances "I" am raised from the dead when "they" continue to build false walls they claim as 'sturdy', blocking all vision, all courage, all love, and all opportunity for growth and attainment of meaning and being on this evolutionary ladder?

I heard some beautiful words whispered into my ears today and I FILLED myself with the LOVE, that genuine SELF-LOVE that cannot be unless I AM enough not to miss myself or the love of another within me. Beautifully bound am I, genuinely bound and entangled with the hopes of hopelessness, the most beautiful hopes of all. For no hope is needed HERE in this very moment, nor can hope become anything but a barrier THERE, where it is shattered, making THERE its permanent home.

"I cannot spread love and beauty if I am filled with hatred and violence. I must close my self to all the fears, all the effects of hatred. I cannot afford to allow this to fill me. I cannot live with fear, hatred and violence. I cannot kill emptiness with emptiness."

Nor will I try...

I am currently Better
I am listening to External Silence, Internal Dialogue with SELF

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I Must Get OUT of this Ugly Trap
10/14/2005 06:44 p.m.

...which my mind has been setting for me and into which I seem to have fallen. Well, they say that an imbalance of chemicals will cause one's perspective to change almost instantaneously. They say that our happiness is based on the delicate balance of our biological chemistry. I must admit that this argument seems quite logical. What are we, after all, but intricate and well built machines which are, as all machines, capable of breaking down/malfunctioning either temporarily or permanently (well, permanent in this nonpermanent fleshy existence.)

Yesterday I was here, sitting in this very office in this very seat, without any windows for the sun to stream in, nor with any LIGHT within me to shine OUT. I considered these chemicals and then I remembered something a good friend said to me recently: "Well, if chemicals can generate thoughts, then thoughts too can generate chemicals". Hahahaha Yesyes I did laugh because I DO BELIEVE in this and that he is right! In fact, I have believed in this ever since college when I was taken aback by my psychology teacher who said, and I paraphrase, "Do you know that happy feelings of well being are generated from chemical nuerotransmitters in the brain, in depression mainly dopamine and seratonin and norepenephrin. But did you know, that though the release of such neurotransmitters can cause one to feel good and to smile, smiling in and of itself works the other way to release dopamine in the brain?" My my, I remember thinking, what implications this has on this so called man-machine!! Can anyone else SEE??? It is not that I take the statement of doctors, scientists, theologians etc on blind faith, but rather that I tend to make decisions and create and ammend my own beliefs based on my own experiences and glimpses of knowledge and realizations based on these subjective experiences AS WELL as through reading and listening to what is said by 'professionals' from all different angles and places and cultures and creeds.

Well, in light of this, I presently went on the internet to read up a little about this theory. The very first article I read explains the function of the brain, the hypothalamus, it's effect on mood and behavior, the function of neurons that transfer messages through electric impulses, the means by which these messages travel, the difficulty in measuring the balance of neurotransmitters, and the reasons for the success and non-success of anti-depressants in some people. Finally, at the end of the article came this statement, "It is unknown whether changes in levels of neurotransmitters cause the development of depression or depression causes changes in neurotransmitters. It may happen both ways. Researchers believe that our behavior can affect our brain chemistry, and that brain chemistry can affect behavior. For instance, if a person experiences numerous stressors or traumas this may cause his or her brain chemistry to be affected, leading to clinical depression. ON THE OTHER HAND, that same person may learn how to change depressed thoughts and behavior and cope with stressful events. Doing this may also change brain chemistry and relieve depression" (http://www.allaboutdepression.com/cau_02.html)

Ahh! Well the machine is still a machine, but this 'learning to change depressed thoughts'...is this something that a machine can do on its own, using only mechanical thoughts and mechanical actions/doings/undoings? Can a man-machine learn to change its emotions and mood simply by reacting and allowing the brain to think what it shall think based on what impressions appear and what associations appear due to those impressions? Can a machine learn to break the associations based on history of cause and effect and to change the future effect by changing the present cause? Can a machine DO anything when it cannot UNDO the chains of its historical associations, when it cannot but identify itself with that history and those thoughts projected? This is a very interesting and vital question to me. Here is where KNOWLEDGE of a REALIZATION comes into play, if not the realization in and of itself since in time of so called depression one is normally lacking the realization, but not the knowledge of its previous occurence. What I was told before is that I am broken, and to fix me I need to take the aid of some chemical help. Well, perhaps this is only a half truth, only half the battle, an option which can bring extensive relief relatively fast. However, is it the ONLY option?

I MUST and DO believe it is NOT the only option. The mind is a very powerful tool. But just as powerful a tool, it can be as powerful a weapon. Yes, the mind has a mind of its own, it can and often DOES work against the spirit or the soul of the being of this man-machine. His AWARENESS and PRESENCE, this is what I am calling "soul". We must LEARN to ACT not on behalf of the mechanical mind which produces mechanical thoughts, because in reactive functioning one cannot truly LEARN anything of any meaning or signifance, or learn anything of true consequence that will help him to make a real worthy change from within. No, instead one must learn to THINK WHAT HE CHOOSES TO THINK, and he must NOT THINK WHAT HE CHOOSES NOT TO THINK. How does he learn to do this? Not by THINKING anything, but by NOT THINKING. Well it is impossible for us not to think at all, rather, one does this by becoming present, by being aware and alert and watchful of all the thoughts that pop into his head. By watching and monitering carefully his body, because the body actually registers the COMING of the thoughts before the thought actually arrives. Yes, it certainly does in me! I can feel my body aching half a second before the negative thought comes to my brain. I can FEEL in my body that I am ABOUT TO THINK I am worthless or horrible or ugly or "bad"...if I am watchful and alert of the signals my body emits, then I can SEE that negative thoughts are attempting to enter my brain. Only then, when I am watchful and alert and have slowed down the present experience, missing nothing, only then do I have a chance in hell to STOP the thoughts, to negate the negation, to BREAK the cycle of identification with the mind and its thoughts, to UNDO a chain or two linked in my historical experiences/reactions. The mechanical and emotional senses of the body react to brain signals much faster than does the intellectual function of the brain. Well, this is what I have experienced subjectively anyway, so do not think, reader, that I have followed any creed blindly, but know I have kept an open mind to all angles and ventured to experience and know them for myself.

Indeed, to change the chemistry through conscious thought is no simple task though in essence it is the simplest of all tasks. But well, our nature does not like to show us what 'simple' really means or looks like or feels like hahahaha Instead, we see through our eyes only the duality of nature, the poles, the opposites, the contradictions, the paradoxes, and the outer veneer of what APPEARS to be happening 'out there' and 'in here'. Well, our natural mind has come to USE US instead of US USING our minds. Our minds have tricked us to believe WE ARE OUR THOUGHTS, instead of us using our thoughts to complete tasks for practical purposes, and then setting aside this useful tool in order just to BE. WE ARE NOT OUR THOUGHTS. We simple ARE in BEING. What we tend to SEE is not WHAT IS, thus, not what SHOULD BE in the real sense. This is the natural blinder we have before the TRUTH of the natural state.

I first came here deciding to write (instead of some uplifting words for my benefit to try and change my chemicals using positive thoughts), to write just what I was feeling and then to let those thoughts lead me to what comes next. I wanted to write about the seemingly unending and indescribable darkness that seems to have emerged from within and has covered my heart and soul and mind and body with an airtight seal of fear and despondance. I came to talk about the absolute terror I have been feeling. Fear of everything, death and loss...basically, fear of the fear itself and that one just cannot exist in such a state continuously without going mad. I wanted to talk of my feelings of worthlessness and disgust in myself, my weakness, my flaws, my looks, my nondoings, my nonbeing, my disappointing those I love most, my demeaning them by being so weak and pathetic. I came here to write about how I am watching people moving about, printing copies, going shopping, eating lunch, talking about Halloween and costumes or buying property or investing, or raising their children or the next haircut they are getting and how I want to laugh at the meaninglessness of it all. How I want to ask them WHY?? Why are you doing any of this? Why are you having children and raising them? Why are you moving or reacting or talking or "doing"? Why don't you just STOP and die where you are because in the end you are all dead and so are your children and their children and everyone dies alone and no one is remembered for long, and even if they were, what does it matter when you are dead? This does now seem contradictory and I SEE the contradiction. Well if it doesn't matter that people love you when you are dead, then wouldn't it mean that it DOES matter when you are alive? And why would it matter when you are alive, isn't it because you ARE ALIVE in this very moment without fear? hahahaha Yes, what I have been feeling, this brutally dark perspective is not what THEY are feeling. And it's not ME nor what I have always felt. I remember feeling JOY and BEAUTY of LOVE. I remember feeling empowered to FIND MEANING and to BECOME this meaning. Yes, they FIND meaning and they are not walking around worried or afraid or feeling that all is futile. And though what they have termed as meaning is not what I now term as meaningful, I too have a REASON to LIVE. I have so much not to look forward to, or to remember, but so much to DO NOW, to BE HERE.

I have so much and I am so much. Let this stream of concsciousness be a solace. Let the LOVE give me courage to get up and keep moving. Let this writing and this UNDOING of desire to lie down give me the source for energies I need for the next task, and then the energy of the next win give me more and more and more until all those damn chemicals are 100% full and I HAVE DONE and I HAVE BECOME and not from any mechanical happening, but from MY SELF MAKING a HAPPENING happen. Let those chemicals all go to hell, and with them this darkness and this division within. Let this be a reminder that reminders are escapes from escapes, and so too is cigarette smoking hhahahahahaha I have so much LOVE to give, and an infinite amount of LOVE returned that is within me already, shared. It is LOVE alone that will allow me to GROW and BE and SHARE and LAUGH and CONQUER and UNDO and LIVE. It is LOVE which shall lead this man-machine to go beyond what is in her nature to do. It is LOVE which shall bring her meaningful fullfilment and joy through presence and Being. It is LOVE which shall make her FEARLESS to LOVE HERE and NOW. Again I AM your Friday girl. Slowly but surely I AM BECOMING because of the knowledge of a realization brought on through LOVE and BELIEF.


I am currently O.K.
I am listening to Office Scanner

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Friday Girl
10/13/2005 10:34 p.m.
I am imbued with the knowledge of a previous realization. I am imbued with the power of the knowledge of a previous realization. I am imbued with all the beauty of this realization. I am imbued with LIFE. Now in any moment of blindness I simply USE the knowledge that I am imbued with the knowledge of a realization. LIFE is HERE and NOW. Within me, within US. UNDO and DO. Negate the negations. LAUGH at those others, those selves who are not YOU. Laugh as you kick them OUT. Laugh at the ups and downs of chemicals and hormones. Those too are NOT YOU. BELIEVE in your SELF, believe in your ability to perform what in the scope of common reality are called Miracles. Move, UNDO/DO, read, write, love, smile, laugh...STOP the mind from becoming the WEED which grows and overtakes the SOUL. I can NEVER go back to that old dream unless I CHOOSE to ignore and to miss MY SELF. My Self is imbued with the fountain of LIFE and YOUTH and LOVE. I have just to open the tap to imbibe all the beauty which pours fourth. Yes Love, I AM...your Friday girl...

Mood: Happy, Amazed and ...
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to New Slang - The Shins

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Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?: September 27th, 2005
09/28/2005 02:11 a.m.

He wanted to haggle over the details and complexities of individuals, while he continued to lose sight of the mob in his house. He wanted to implicate himself in the degeneration of “good people”, while he continued to illustrate his own degeneration. He wanted to paint them in a light as delicate and suffering souls, while he continued to justify their violent, negative, or harmful behaviors. He wanted to explain his proclivity for harmless fun, while he continued to poison his heart, body and mind, and ours as an extension of his. He wanted to point out that no harm could be done to one in proximity who doesn’t see, while he continued to overlook the implications of polluting the sanctity of his family’s own home. He wanted to discuss the nuances of boundaries, while he continued to ignore the need to draw any. He wanted to stress upon me the fortitude of his convictions, while he continued to dance around their definitions. He wanted to expose me as one who generalizes and dramatizes, while he continued to complicate and downplay. He wanted to dismiss me by reminding me of my past mistakes, while he continued to ignore and dismiss the issue at hand. He wanted to tell me that he is a grown man and master of his house, while he continued to show me he was a stubborn, blind, and divided child. He wanted to indulge my perspective for the sake of love, while he continued to defend those who never have, and never would love him. He wanted to tell me he was open-minded and appreciative of all the advice, while he continued to add bricks to the wall he built around himself. He wanted to declare that it didn’t matter what any of us thought or felt or said, while he continued to reveal his emotionalism and self awareness in those deep browns of his eyes.


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WE Continue to Prevail: September 18, 2005
09/28/2005 12:34 a.m.

I feel a deep sadness and pain, as though I have been cut wide open with my own knife. I won’t let this pain turn into an obstacle, deterring me from ACTION. I know I will come out of this because I refuse to let “I” hate my “self”. I am not my history. There should only be one of me, and I will write this JE and then go out in my yard and pull some weeds acting on behalf of my intending self, pushing aside all other psychotics and addicts within me. Writing this as a way to “talk it out” is now my first act, useful in purging some of the painful emotions generated by a feeling of utter loneliness, and this will get me started on the right foot. What can I say but that this ego has not yet realized a state of being that is untouchable. If it had, then I would be able to transcend any kind of pain, which of course, is inevitable in this existence, and to a large extent, not as personal as we perceive it to be. If we could feel the pain more objectively, we could then transcend it with our realization of what IS. But what happens when a person transcends all feelings all together? Instead of becoming one with them, they simply shut down the mechanism that enables one to feel? Well, this too is an extreme pole opposite that of extreme emotionalism. In both cases, the expression is harmful, and in both cases one is absent. But if one is not present, does that mean that the love is not present? Is emotionalism as equally harmful and painful as abandonment of emotion? Are there degrees of ‘absence’ as there are degrees of quality of presence? If one is emotional is he less absent than one who is utterly detached, or is there no difference, absence being a term lacking in relativity? If we were on equal levels of being, would my embrace of you in emotionalism inflict more, less, or equal sadness than my lack of embrace?

Despite the laws of change and the laws of cause and effect and all the millions of other laws of this world, in this particular process of growth love always prevails if you believe in it as you believe in the concept of absolute/infinite, and this too I know without any doubts. Amidst stretches of passivity, lack of presence, and lack of being on my part, the seeming steadfastness of this knowledge/realization becomes the only available bridge to LIFE in moments of death. Fear, often irrational and unjustified, is also one of the most common manifestations of the mind, and by far one of the greatest obstacles to presence and to living. Today I felt a sudden and very immense fear and pain owing to both extreme poles. It was, I’m sure, an unjustified subjective feeling of near attack by means of neglect coupled with the mind’s emotional interpretation of it as cruelty (which, though completely irrational, will seem to make rational sense to a mind reading this, as most people have experienced the tendency of the mind to think emotionally at such times, instead of logically). Yet what I was afraid of was not that the love would not prevail, but that the pain would continue past my threshold of tolerance (which is rather a funny statement since if it passes your threshold you simply acquire a new one by means of force HAHAHAHA.) Furthermore, I was afraid of feeling desolate instead of feeling more resolved, third, I was afraid of getting angry thinking of the possibility that this happening was an intentional provocation to teach me a lesson, as opposed to a genuine state of extreme detachment, and finally, I was afraid that if this was indeed genuine, that I was the cause of its trigger and thus, fear four recycled itself back to fear one which led back to fear two and so on and so forth in circles rendering me completely useless! Really, it’s just so funny how humans operate hahahaha!! In the end, although I realize that in either extremity, missing myself amounts to missing my love’s presence, thinking about this in a time I am influenced by neither extreme, I would still personally rather experience absence in the form of pain, that to experience it in the form of feeling nothing at all.

Now, I am feeling good and happy, and I will not pass the time by being idle, but will harness all the energies I am able to because I KNOW, through this absolute guide I know as LOVE, that if in times of weakness you stitch yourself up with presence, there won’t even be any scar to undo or leave behind. This is how LOVE prevails, and this is how we BOTH ALWAYS COME BACK, faster and faster, taking advantage of each recurrence.


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NatureÂ’s Hints: July 23rd, 2005
09/28/2005 12:29 a.m.

When I consider that nature gives us 'hints', I am considering that WHAT IS is always impregnant with WHAT SHOULD BE. Nature itself IS the ultimate hint of WHAT IS the Source from which everything emanates. For within every cell is a universe and within every universe is the answer to its origin. In fact, we each contain the answer within us, though it is not accessible to us from where we stand so subjectively. The irony of the saying, 'so close, yet so far' is not lost on me and is almost comical if it were not for the sense that we have been purposely created as blind beings. Can one cell ever see that it belongs as part to a whole organism, and if the cell does know it is a part of a whole, can the cell ever have access to WHAT IS this organism to whose existence it contributes, and furthermore, WHAT IS the ultimate source of both, if any? Likewise, can the organism ever see that he is a creation of parts, of millions of cells put together, and if the organism does know he is a whole made of parts, can he ever have access to the position of any one particular cell at any one particular point in time, furthermore can the whole organism ever know WHAT IS the ultimate source of both, if any? Can an ant ever see through the eyes of an elephant or an elephant see through the eyes of an ant, and if they had the chance, could they ever PERCEIVE what they are seeing when they are NOT but what they believe, with a borrowed perspective too infinitely large or too infinitely small to SEE or KNOW what is simply before them, laid out, telling, speaking, and yet shrouded by their own state of being, or lack there of?

Consequently, any glimpse into WHAT IS would then have to be accessed without any of the boundaries the mind has created over the many years. It must be a moment of inner silence void of any thought, since thoughts bind us to our learned associations and blind us with our preconceived notions. In other words, it must be a moment of clarity and awareness in which the nature reveals its TRUE self to the Seer in a recognizable glimpse in a recognizable format, fully supported and in perfect alignment with all other congruent hints which, also revealed in that moment of clarity, provide an answer beyond a shadow of a doubt. Logically, one would assume that it is never the nature which ‘decides’ to reveal itself to the Seer, for the hints are ever present at any one moment for any human being to SEE if he so finds himself in such quality state of being that his position of awareness is also aligned with these natural “hints” so as to allow him to SEE them clearly as they ‘come alive’ (as an ant, for example, might SEE not merely from an elephant’s eyes, but from his PERCPECTIVE)…if only for a moment. In addition, there would be no indication that any such ‘hint’ of WHAT IS would be one that is consistent with our own preconceived notions or logical formulations, or knowledge of man made symbols, metaphors, historical puzzles, ancient secrets, and the like. That is to say, if I am in such state of being that I am aligned in position to SEE the language that nature is speaking, what I am hearing/seeing (“red” everywhere for example) will not be a static symbol consistently used by nature, that is to say “red” will not continue to translate as the same marker for the same knowledge every time, for though presumably the language of nature would be consistent on it’s own level, HOW we ourselves translate/perceive it depends on OUR STATE OF BEING, our quality of presence, our level of awareness, and it is at that level which we see the glimpse of truth previously unseen.

What I find incredible and unfathomable is the sheer volume of these hints possible to perceive at our theoretical highest possible level of awareness, for logic tells me that they must be as illuminating and numbered as the stars. Going back to the above assumptions, if nature itself (which includes us) IS the final answer to the supposed final question, “WHAT IS THE SOURCE?” then there lies only a hidden boundary between man and Knowledge, one that is hidden, ironically, by the very nature of man, the same nature which contains within it all the answers, the key to LIFE and the SOURCE of all that IS.

I feel a certain twinge of sadness in knowing that the answers can be found just beneath the flimsy surface of what we perceive to be, and yet this near location is our very blind spot, and thus, so far away. We look so hard and think so much in trying to find the answers, that we so often and so easily miss the simplicity of nature’s language, the simplicity of her symbols, the simplicity of her hints, and most likely, the utter simplicity of her very existence. For the simple and the obvious will always elude the being who insists on existing in the realm of the complex and the obscure. It seems to me that reason is both man’s gift and his curse, for it is his ability to reason (which he believe eases his understanding) that ironically complicates his Knowing. For reason is often faulty, and even when it is not faulty from man’s perspective, it shall always remain the logic of man who is utterly subjective, and thus, admittedly the short sighted perspective of the almost fully blind. Yet it is man’s ability to reason that finds him realizing this very fact of his blindness and insignificance, as of course, I myself am applying reason to all I say here. Blindness, assumptions, preconceived notions, faulty logic, subjective reasoning etc., all undoubtedly playing themselves out here before you hahahahaha

I keep thinking of math and science and philosophy and religion and language and art etc and all of their implications leading to questions of answers to questions of WHAT IS, all of which I know little or nothing of, and yet here I am foolish enough to explore my own miniscule thoughts on the subject of ‘revelation’. It’s quite laughable I know, most especially from my individual perspective, having read and understood too little to know any theory or ‘fact’ with any certainty or detail, but having read and understood enough to know I am hopelessly far from gaining any ground on any such scholarly or scientific knowledge of any significance in any particular field of study, let alone making any new discoveries within them. What I do think/consider is that man has uncovered A FEW consistent hints within nature. That is to say, odd formations/consistencies that cannot be denied, nor can they be explained, a certain cipher or code perhaps, for the language of nature, or possibly a tiny piece of the puzzle, a part of a part of a letter maybe hahaha. For example, the mathematical anomaly of PHI and its natural occurrence in nature. Oddly enough, here is a hint that seems to be consistent in form on our level, yet UN-deciphered in MEANING. This sort of (admittedly extremely limited) exploration on my part seems (to me) to uphold the sense that nature’s language is ONE, but we are NOT, and any glimpse that can be recorded as ‘consistent’ is one that we not only have discovered as a consistency on OUR level, but has, up till now, been the most elusive of all Truths. In addition, I find it interesting that such a discovery, like most significant discoveries, appeared in a moment of coincidence, accident, or what some people refer to as, “a moment of clarity” usually stemming from a moment in which logic has hit a great wall, and thoughtlessness springs from a state of blankness nonetheless contained within a high state of AWARENESS.

‘Knowledge belongs to humanity,’ I believe I’ve heard this many places and many times before. What I have always gleamed from this notion and what my father always told me, is that no one man holds the key, but all of the knowledge humanity has available at any one point in time is the culmination of knowledge built upon knowledge over the ages. Men standing on the shoulders of other men. Though there is little one can say to dispute this seemingly obvious fact, it has yet always made me feel a certain doubt along with sadness. The sadness, no doubt, has much to do with the human need to find his life meaningful, and to believe his life holds significance in and of itself. The “I” of the man, the ego, causes him to feel that he is the center of the meaning, that the meaning revolves around him, and when he feels dwarfed by such realizations and notions of “knowledge through the ages” and “his position and relativity to the universe”, his nature easily allows him to shift into a mode of ‘faith’ in his ‘higher significance’ as an individual. While I am aware of this basic human flaw (logically speaking), I am yet reluctant to say that significant knowledge of WHAT IS is unattainable to the individual man. But here, it is my SENSE which speaks, and not my logic, which, for all intents and purposes, tells me I am a hopeless fool to ever believe that one CAN KNOW any sort of Truth, even in a limited sense. Yes, it is some sense that I have, unexplainable, indefinable, that gives me hope even amidst all this utter hopelessness, amidst all this sadness. Well, this is getting more and more personal as I go hahahaha I’ll stop here, seeing as how I have most likely over-thought, over-analyzed, and over-worked this tiny brain to oblivion…in which case, maybe there’s hope for me after all ;-)


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