I Am in Great Pain, Happily So!!
05/29/2006 10:26 p.m.

May 28, 2006

It’s 5:50 on Sunday, and I’m sitting here wondering what next to do. Little “do,” that is. Just enough to get me by this minute and then the next. But how silly a thought this really is. What choice is there but to get through the next minute? Hahaha! It’s like the seeming ridiculousness of the statement - “take it one day at a time” – as though one can take it two days at a time! Hahaha! Well, but this is a trick for the mind, rather, it is a way of revealing the true nature of the mind, and a subtle suggestion on how to UNDO its detrimental effect on our potential to LIVE. What it really means is, “don’t project an assumed situation. Remain HERE fighting only this moment’s battle and no other, because there IS NO other battle but the one you have to fight now.” And yes, this statement is really the practical message, and closest to the less subjective truth.

Things were so dark earlier, so I went out into the bright sun. Even under that hot burning star the world still seemed dim, though not as black as the darkness before it. I tried to talk to him, but it’s not easy to listen when you feel helpless, so I let him off the hook. I decided to work on the floors. “I have to anyway,” I thought, and then laughed at the thought of “have to.” Such a thought is contradictory to the earlier angry reactionary thought of “I don’t give a damn.” Well, you can’t “not give a damn” and be angry at the same time hahaha! I realize that these reactionary erratic and paradoxical thoughts reflect the least subjective of the observable truths: I am behaving like nature’s machine, programmed with the relentless will to survive.

I worked for almost two hours straight, struggling to keep my thoughts from drifting. Most of the time I wasn’t successful, but when I really failed it seemed intolerable – “intolerable” seems such a strange notion suddenly. Isn’t one who “can’t tolerate” the moment still forced to tolerate moment after moment? So what does intolerable really mean? Hahaha - In those moments I observed a funny thing. When one is feeling an “intolerable” pain that is not stopping, the mind will force a relief, no matter how brief. Seeing seeing is how it flashed before me. At the climax of the “intolerance” I suddenly saw the ugly projecting thoughts passing through my mind, as an observer. As a result, the pain stops for a flash and then dulls, and it takes a little while to build up momentum again to where it was before in the blackness. Back and forth it goes on like this. Tolerating the intolerable, expanding and redefining the threshold of pain.

When my back started to ache a little and the momentum began again, I decided to go upstairs and read. Another trick. I ended up making two calls, both of which led to answering machines. I left pleasant messages. One person just called back a few minutes ago, and it felt better to know someone I love feels light. It made me feel happy that I held tight and didn’t give myself away. I didn’t intend the calls to give myself away, but the thought did cross my mind as an attempt for some relief. Sometimes we have to admit a small defeat in order to get back up again, even if it’s at the cost of your ego hahaha! And sometimes, even at the cost of worrying someone you love. But this time I felt more relief in not worrying than I would have in talking out.

In this moment I find that the ultimate defeat is not hopelessness, it’s apathy. That’s because with hopelessness comes a profound pain that one feels is “intolerable,” but nonetheless tolerates for as long as humanly possible out of sheer will to survive, with a dim hope within this hopelessness that things might get better. “Intolerable” is not the language of one who wants to die, on the contrary, it’s the language of one who wants to LIVE. What “intolerable (pain)” really means is “STOP so I can LIVE!”

Apathy says nothing of the kind. TRUE apathy is incompatible with pain, and says nothing at all because it desires nothing, it relishes nothing, it cares nothing either way. It’s not that there’s an empty vessel not being filled, it’s just that there isn’t a vessel at all. To free one’s self of pain through physical death is to declare the final personal threshold in a single completely illogical moment of overwhelming “FEELING” of intolerability – this is a completely paradoxical reaction to this “intolerable” (ironically hopeful) state of mind, and becomes a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This is a life that still has living potential. But to exist in the world in a state of complete apathy, feeling nothing at all either way is really the ultimate death as I see it right now. This makes me glad to be feeling pain.

A friend of mine once told me he’d rather “go out” with extreme pain than to die in peace, because that final moment before death would be the LAST living experience he would ever have. How could he possibly pass up the final experience he would ever have, no matter what it was! “After physical death,” he said, “I have an eternity to feel nothing at all. I’m not going to blow my final chance at an experience, even if it means the worst pain in the history of mankind!” Hahaha!

I always liked that argument and am decidedly sticking to it! After all, I’ve always wanted to expand my horizons, to grow. So why not let it be the threshold of pain which expands and redefines its borders. As long as there is pain, there is no apathy, and I’m totally up for the experience! Hhahaha

SMILING…and suddenly feeling much much better hahaha :-)

I am in great pain, happily so!




I am currently Better

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I Dreamt a Poem
05/29/2006 10:20 p.m.

May 26th, 2006

This morning I dreamt a poem. I considered writing down my realization without the dream itself, but then decided that the dream’s personal symbols express my own realization so beautifully that I will record it as an addendum for my own recollection. The realization, in words, which I’m forced to use to record what an indefinable state of being, was best articulated by the half of me that has actually experienced it before:

If you want to write a poem, become the POEM. If you want to love, become LOVE. BECOME BEAUTY, and you are beauty. You don’t have to realize. Instead, you realize in the process of BECOMING.

You have all the answers, rather, you are beyond questions so you don’t need answers. Just become the answer.

THE ANSWER IS IN BECOMING THE ANSWER.


Here is the dream:

A young boy, maybe 16, was in a library. His father and brother went upstairs to the second floor, they all gave each other knowing glances, they were dealing drugs to survive. The boy, who frequently turned into me as the first person and then back again to third, was packaging some black powder in a paper in order to take it up and sell it. Just then a policeman walked into the library and "I" quickly hid the papers, though they were still visible. I was so nervous. He came up to me and started talking friendly, asking me what I’m doing here.

"Oh well...I am writing...I am writing some poetry...yes...yes it's a project I have," I said lying. Then I asked him what he is doing here and he replied, "well I play the clarinet" and placed a paper in front of me that had words he had written about how he played the clarinet. "Oh, well I play too" I said nervously, “though I can see from your writing that you play so much better than I do.”

[How does one hear the quality of music through the quality of writing?]

Anyway, he wouldn't go away, he took a liking to me and thought to sit and stay. So with one eye on the hidden paper I/he had to sit down and start to pretend that I/he was there to write. The boy just thought, “my God, I don't know how to write, much less write poetry.' But he had to try in order not to bring suspicion on himself.

Suddenly, as he wrote he became so focused on the paper, so fully aware of himself and his surroundings, that all the beauty within him came flowing out. It was as if all the world was beauty and he saw it as it was…his words fell like roses on the paper, blooming in his presence. And he was so shocked at himself. Shocked by what he was capable of.

Suddenly, there was a commotion upstairs and the policeman ran up to where his/my brother and father were...they had been caught. The boy went up to his father and held him and they both wept, the boy crying out "I'm not going to live like this anymore...what good is it just to survive…what kind of life is this?”

And the boy went downstairs and was so happy to have made up his mind not to do what he hated. He felt free and said, "I’m not going to write any more poetry either!! I'm not going to do anything but just BE what I AM.

And with that declaration he sat on this large contraption that looked almost like a giant typewriter and started playing the keys as if it were a great organ, and beautiful music bellowed out. But each key had a letter on it, and somewhere in the back my subconscious I knew that he was writing poetry without writing it!! In fact, had BECOME the POETRY itself by simply BEING.

Then suddenly an entire stanza of words appeared before me...it was a full stanza that seemed so meaningful, dripping with ornate words, symbols, and metaphors. And in my mind I thought "write it down Rula before you lose it.” I must have been half awake realizing I was seeing the poem in a dream. And then a loud voice came from above and said, "NO. Don't write it down. This is not a poem Rula. No words are poems. These are just questions. All these words are just questions Rula. Words are not poetry."

Then I woke up.




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Don't Go Far When You Have to Come Back
04/04/2006 08:42 p.m.

April 3rd, 2006

I just found myself in a situation in which I was indulging, becoming part of the conversation I was previously attentively enjoying observing. I suddenly found that I had ceased to be the observer, and began to indulge as if I had a stake in the non-issues being discussed as issues. Any one of the roaming words could, at this junction, suddenly fly towards my emotionally recharged center, sticking to some association of mine. Words mean nothing objectively, but subjectively they can take on any number of apparitions. Once I closed my eyes and landed in the center of my stage, those words suddenly became as magnets, helplessly attracted to the emotional charges created by the associations I passively allowed to take control. Impressions create or change a mood, the mood creates or changes the quality of an emotional charge, and the emotional charge invites the possibility of all sorts of external and internal influences, both positive and negative. It's here that one must CONSCIOUSLY INTERFERE, because there is, among all the happenings, only ONE CHOICE. ACTION.

Indeed, general emotionalism followed by negative thoughts was the direction things were heading, and for a moment there was a little sting that came in the form of a few words from the corner of the room. Luckily, (though not with immense quality of concentration,) I had been previously present and observing and alert, talking to myself and actively reminding myself, "small small wins Rula, nothing else for now. Think of nothing but what you have in front of you and ACT upon it. Just DO by UNDOING all the other thoughts trying to enter your mind to kill your composure. One thing at a time and you just can't fail. You have nothing to lose. Observe and UNDO."

Because of these active suggestions repeated over and over only moments ago, I immediately recognized the trap I had fallen into by letting my attention drift into the land of indulgence. So, after having reacted a bit emotionally and non-sensically to a comment on an issue that, presently, is irrelevant to my life, I quickly removed myself from the situation before the emotionalism that was surfacing could take a firm hold. I began to think logically at that very moment, and the flow of negativity suddenly regressed into a rapid ebb. And do you know what happened just then? I began to laugh on the inside. Yes, I actually laughed! A genuine laughter from the point of view I had just returned to, the observer, that of an observer of my self and others.

I feel good. I am not jumping up and down, but I KNOW I just won a tiny victory, and already I feel a twinge of a faint energy surge. I will not waste this tiny surge. I will not turn it into negative thought or consume it by meaningless excitement or more indulgence. I am now going to let it propel me into the next moment where I will UNDO again, claiming yet another tiny win that will again propel me to the next moment of undoing, and the next and the next….conserving and refining all the while. Now, back to work.



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Enough is Enough
04/03/2006 02:30 a.m.

I find that I am waiting. What am I waiting for? Am I waiting around just to tell him that I am sad and unworthy? Am I waiting to talk of my inadequacies and my failures? Maybe I am waiting to hear reassurances that mean nothing in the wake of my non-doing. I think I must be waiting to take, though I never actively give. Then I asked myself, who is the one actually doing the waiting, when he is here and I am not?

When finally we came face to face I decided to forgo my complaints. Instead, I asked him, “What thought did you wake up with this morning?” “The thought was,” he oddly divined, “enough is enough.”


I am currently Bad

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Shocked Into Awareness of My Unawareness
03/30/2006 08:29 p.m.

Today I had a shock when the pharmacist mistakenly gave me the wrong medication and didn’t realize or call me until late afternoon when I had already taken a pill. Luckily, the pill was not harmful though it could have been if I had been taking certain medications or had certain medical conditions.

The shock has nothing to do with the mistake of the pharmacy, which is rather serious, but with my own, which is just as serious. I had noticed that the pills looked different, I had noticed that the amount didn’t seem right, I had looked at the label’s ‘quantity’ amount to make sure it was correct…and yet I had neglected to look .00001 inches above it to see that it was the wrong medication, and in the name of someone else!

Actually, the truth is that I looked but didn’t SEE. I thought I was aware, but the fact is that I was passively aware, and that meant that I was all but aware. My attention was not on the label’s contents, but on the reasons I was busy thinking up for the possible causes of external discrepancy with regards to the pill’s shape, size, and quantity. “Well it must be generic, and well maybe the quantity is what it’s supposed to be.” My mind was so busy looking ‘there’ for presumed causes, that it neglected to look ‘here’ to find the actual causes, though it did believe it WAS HERE. I did break down for a while because I felt the failure so deeply. Already a bit emotional, this was a natural trigger for emotionalism, I suppose.

But there is no going back. In fact, this is a blessing in disguise. You just can’t go back, you can’t go forward, and this is the reminder, the SHOCK. Yes, I was shocked into the awareness of the extent of my unawareness, and I am so happy for this shock. It might just save my LIFE.

P.S. - If you want a really GOOD laugh then ask me what it was they gave me by accident ;-)


I am currently Anxious
I am listening to My Voice

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There is No Going Back
03/27/2006 05:18 p.m.

Misery and emotionalism are drugs we indulge in, an arsenal of justification. They are self inflicted irrelevant pains that temporarily numb the significant pain at large. Constant indulgence in these drugs is a path to final death, a permanent apathy wherein we suddenly find that the numbness no longer leaves us. We may or may not ever reach that point, but we continue to indulge, justifying that as long as we feel the pain, we can at least claim to be alive.

That’s what I used to believe, and how I used to justify my inaction. Now I realize my grave error. I no longer mistake ‘indulgence’ for ‘struggle,’ though I still participate in both. Consequent to this realization, I find it impossible to justify my inaction, no matter how hard I try.

I was desperately “sad” a moment ago, then the phone rang and I suddenly felt “happy”. I realized just then that sad can’t possibly mean SAD, and happy can’t possibly mean HAPPY. Being is not a state of fluctuation. BEING is what SHOULD BE.

In the end, BEING is really what is (not) known by most, as LOVE.

I am currently Quiet
I am listening to The Sound of Coming Change

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I Have Decided to Stop Trying to BE
03/26/2006 03:49 p.m.

March 24th, 2006


I have decided to stop trying to intellectually understand the word-meaning/form/way and outcome of the exercises and practices that I attempt each day. I am going to just experience whatever I know as
the experience of stopping internal dialoging and not worry about what I am "meant to experience" by it. I am going to just experience whatever I know as the experience of holding my attention in
continuity, and not worry about what I am "meant to experience" by it. The frustration, I find, is in trying to practice an exercise which one doesn't truly recognize as a practice. In the beginning, the
practice, as well as the outcome, exist only in the form of words, and not in the form of experiences, and this not only makes the destination intellectually indefinable, but also the path! The problem seems to lie in the fact that the destination itself is beyond the realm of intellectual, emotional, or mechanical habits and their isolated subjective realities, and this means that any reality or realm beyond these (or even their combination) has no tangible way of presenting itself to the conditioned mind which is the only so called tool most of us use to perceive and understand our surroundings. What you have then is a kind of catch 22 that is not actually required to achieve a goal, but that the mind seems to demand a resolution to or go riding away on its emotional roller coaster. It's something like someone saying that you have to float before you can fly. "Well," a man with experience will say, "first you must believe that you can fly, and then only can you begin to practice the motions that will eventually lead you to floating and then flying." But even when you believe that a man can fly if he wants to, you're not aware of its true meaning without experience, and so you can't fathom the experience of it's predecessor, floating, either, though you can intellectually understand the concept! "Don't struggle, and don't think. Just BE and the realization will come to you," says the experienced man. But it's a struggle not to struggle, it's a struggle not to think and it's a struggle to remain alert and attentive in continuity, without any jumps. It's a struggle to be aware and present and to see yourself as if you are watching silently all your own mechanical motions and thoughts. All these thoughts are what have me so "stuck up," so frustrated, and feeling so helpless without acceptance. How can I not struggle to be silent when I've never been silent before in my life?

When one first begins to learn any discipline not for itself, but as a path and process to a larger and more profound realization, one can never be sure if the discipline that has been explained to him in
words, is the actual discipline that is meant to progress him to that intended destination. After all, no realization has ever stemmed from a path that one has never before taken, nor has a path never before
taken appeared before you simply because you wished to realize its destination! Hahahaha I know that this statement seems to be so obvious, so self evident. Still, this very obvious and self evident
reasoning has been the source of much anxiety and frustration on my part and I do wonder why? Why is it so easy for my mind to intellectually understand this rationale, and yet so difficult to
accept it at the same time? The reason must be because the mind can't really extract a "starting point" from such reasoning. In my memory lies a distant recollection of having once understood something of significance through an experience resulting from such practices. But now that I am expending so many emotional energies by projecting negatively so many of my thoughts into assumed realities, those
realizations and small wins now lie broken in barely visible fragments somewhere in the realm of my faint remembrance.

Well, let's start again then. Though everything seems so difficult and so meaningless right now, and so much effort is needed for such little compensation, it's interesting to realize that here I am
writing about it in an effort to relieve the pain and to regain my composure. Isn't it odd that despite all the frustration of failure I am still making an effort to attempt what I am failing to accomplish?
Hahahaha Well I suppose this means that I've not given up after all, but that I'm more resolved than ever despite the feelings of alienation, isolation, loneliness, fear, sadness, and frustration. It means that there is something more powerful than all of these negative forces, and I must admit, there is. That is the force of LIFE. What I mean to say is, the WILL TO SURVIVE is still somehow stronger than all of these other forces put together. The intensity of this living DEATH makes one so desperate to LIVE. It must be, or else I wouldn't be here writing this and trying what I can't seem to fathom, explain, or accomplish in this very moment I am NOT. You see, wins are always present realizations, while memories are just recollections or reflections of realizations that have become dormant without our presence. The experience or idea reverts backwards into a thought.

Here is what LIFE, my only continuous source of energy, whispers to me:

"Start practicing from stopping internal dialoging and see where this leads to. Try to experience this actively in continuity."

"For example, normally when you shift your attention, even intentionally from one object to another, you experience this shift in jumps where as your attention does move in space and time. You must experience it going from one object to the other, and from this other object to where ever it goes. all in continuity"

"You are just a witness. Witnessing without words, but in continuity. You are not focusing, you are just aware. Start with where ever your attention moves but in continuity. Watch your attention in
continuity."

"Remember your presence. You cannot remember your presence without your attention intact. Remember I AM all the time, not the words but PRESENCE."

"Can you experience the passage of time as we experience time in continuity? Because when you move in space you also move in time. Can you just be in space in continuity? Let's say there’s no time, just space. Just be in space in continuity. This means there is no past, but then this also means that there is no future, no projection of the past. We experience the passage of time in jumps, lets experience it in continuity, every fraction you don't miss any moment, and you must remain ware that you are not missing this passage."

"Just BE Rula. Aware and alert in silence watching, as though you are sitting by a running river watching the flow of your own thoughts, but not getting dragged away. That's all."

Okay. I'm determined.


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I Need to Talk To Myself Out Loud, Actively Listening
03/26/2006 03:37 p.m.

March 23, 2006

I need to talk. I need to talk to myself, but actively. I need to SHOUT out LOUD, to REGISTER the suggestion deep inside my subconscious. When one remembers to practice and tries but fails, one can say “well, keep going, you will eventually attain, this is a process,” while deep inside his subconscious another more penetrating voice is saying, “you don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t even begin to begin, so how can you ever achieve anything even remotely resembling a fraction of a fraction of presence, of LIFE? How can you ever know without knowing when you can’t even take the first step to knowing what knowing without knowing means? Hahahahahaha I like this writing exercise. This helps so much, and I can actually laugh at myself, this idiot self who is so fond of negative suggestions and fighting hopelessness instead of embracing it and USING it against itself.

There was a time when I didn’t necessarily understand the difference between feeling helpless and accepting one’s helplessness. That is to say, in both cases the person remains helpless doesn’t he? But lately, or maybe just this very moment, I had a very clear understanding of what that difference really means. It is a matter of not letting the helplessness become an obstacle to those other things which one might actually be able to help. Suppose, for example, that I make a so called choice which in my eyes results in a ‘bad’ consequence. At this point I can do one of two things, I can either say “well, there’s nothing I can do to change this, it’s in the past. I know better now,” or I can say, “I can’t believe what an idiot I am! I am so worthless, I can’t do anything right! I just don’t know why I even try at all! I shouldn’t even attempt to take risks or make weighty decisions,” and from then on avoid and overlook every possibility and opportunity which comes my way. Well, this is a case of accepting one’s helplessness with regards to our inability to go back in time, though one can use any million other examples which include any external life situation we find ourselves caught in without having any say in the matter. Interestingly, though we can’t change historical events in time, we are more than capable (in fact we are experts) at going backwards and forwards in time using our minds to project assumed situations and daydreams and fantasies based on past experiences, perceptions, and created associations. This is precisely what kills the present moment, what makes the present so utterly inaccessible for humankind. It is the mind, so wholly conditioned to live for its own sake, that refuses to remain STILL. It’s as though the mind has a mind of it’s own, and this mind of the mind has been conditioned to feel that SILENCE means death of the mind, and that thoughts mean life. So, it continues to think, despite that the person it’s doing the thinking for is being negatively impacted by his NONSEEING of the very moment he is in, the actual no-place/no-time that LIFE occurs. It simply cannot occur at any other juncture but HERE and NOW. Still, we are always waiting for what comes next. We want to know what is going to happen, where we are going, how will we get there, what does it all mean etc etc etc. We’re just not AWARE that we are always in the next moment, and hardly ever in the one we are in.

Well, I have digressed for sure, but then this is an exercise in not thinking too hard but just actively letting myself write down as I am realizing, or rather, spouting out whatever comes to mind as a means of killing my anxiety and emotionalism hahahahaha

So, the difference between feeling helpless and accepting one’s helplessness is that the fact that the former is fighting against a force that can never be overcome, whereas the latter forgoes resisting that which is impossible to resist, and moves on to something he feels he can possibly mold or influence in his life. There is simply no room for growth if you live in the former world, because all your energies are being exhausted meaninglessly and never with any lasting impact or result. It’s like protesting against the sun’s drought on your fields by burning down your own house as well. You accomplish nothing but working against yourself, and end up having to spend twice the energy to recover your losses, which by the way can’t be recovered if you continue to burn down the house each time you see the sun coming for your field. Instead, one can say, “well, I will plant cactuses” or “I will plant trees and create shade,” or “I will build an irrigation system,” or a number of other things that don’t fight against, but use the nature to overcome the nature. Ok, NOW I am thinking too much and I am finding myself getting lost, and sensing that there are gaps in all my logic that need filling. I am thinking and no longer just writing. Writing now becomes a waste of time and energy because the intention of this exercise is to help me gain composure, and not to make me feel more confused and upset at my inaction and inattention…you can see how easy the mind swings from one state to another when it draws on all the past associations as it is presented with impressions…I am beginning to draw on those associations with myself as being worthless and unintelligent and emotional etc etc but STOP. Now just STOP. There is nothing to say, nothing to think. Just BE.

I am not STOPPED. I am not ME. Where is that loud voice I intend? I am thinking about why I talked so much earlier instead of waiting and working things in with patience, in time, so as to take a more controlled approach to making my external conducive to my internal? There was no reason for me to divulge so much information in one go to one person. But I was too eager to continue creating an image (which I believe in) that will mold my external into a softer and easier place to LIVE in. I was too eager. Why do I talk so much and SEE and DO/UNDO so little?? I could keep typing ‘why why why why’…but that will lead me nowhere and to more meaningless harmful negative talking and more non-doings. I’m done now, just SEE how easy it is to go from intellectual state of being to an emotional state of being all depending on how the mind jumps from association to association. STOP. What is needed is ONE state of BEING: PRESENCE.


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I Am a Walking Dead Woman on a Killing Rampage
03/26/2006 03:28 p.m.

March 22, 2006


"Rula, the trick is in laughing, laughing on ones self. This is what detaches you from you."

"Okay," I said, "I'll laugh when I write, that's the only way for now since I can't laugh in my current emotional state, when these powerful energies have flooded my intellectual center. I will write and then laugh at the idiotic self I observe in the writing."

"Not 'for now,' Rula, FOREVER," he said.

FOREVER. OH GOD. FOREVER! This word just made my halting fears intensify all the more. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And yes I AM now really laughing at that!

Why should the word "forever" make me afraid? Why should any word, for that matter, make me afraid? It's simple. I am associating and understanding that particular word through my historic word experience of that word, but in a negative context, because I have allowed my mind to be influenced negatively by the powerful emotional energies. It's the projected thought of 'forever' as 'never' that creates the unfounded fear that is rising inside my chest like a gruesome monster. It's the concept of 'eternity' projected as the thought of its non-existence that creates the apparition of fear of death, both physical and metaphysical. I am a ghost who is chasing down other ghosts for the sake of declaring apparitions a REALITY. No, not for the sake of that, but for my conditioned need to INDULGE in my own FEARS and thus, to wallow in my own DEATH.

I am a walking dead woman on a killing rampage. This has been my state of being, or rather my state of NON BEING, since Sunday the 19th of March. Armed (for the third time as I recall,) with the greatest arsenal of fear I have ever managed to invent, I combed the conditioned streets of my mind and blasted everyone and every thing in sight. I have been particularly meticulous in the annihilation of those closest to me, and with an army of thoughts marching steadily and confidently behind me I have been an unstoppable force of NON BEING!! Hahahahahaha Just imagine (if you can) a dead thing trying to kill another dead thing as a means of protesting her perceived death! Hahaha it's just too funny really! Instead of using the realization of my death to turn around and just LIVE, I have turned the realization against my SELF and decided to remain DEAD. Consequently, this non-action has intensified the fear which first began when I realized my state of non-being.

I, a dead woman, refuse to acknowledge anything but the dead self, and claiming that I CAN'T LIVE am blasting away any positive suggestion of my ability to do so. Actually, I am not the dead killing the dead, but the dead giving rise to other dead things.

"Well," he said. "Your problem is the fear of being left alone. Rather the fear of the fear, since you are projecting assumed situations."

He is right. My problem is the fear of the fear of being left alone, since fear is an assumed situation and can never exist in the present moment if one IS from moment to moment. This fear in turn feels like a living kind of a DEATH, in which one continues to FEEL something that is not present, and thus, not really HERE, but THERE, in the land of projected TIME and SPACE. The land of projected TIME and SPACE is no land at all, but an apparition, yet another ghost made up by the negatively charged mind which is churning out meaningless and unfounded thought after thought.

"There is no thought which comes to mind that is not already known," he said.

Ohhh…how right! They simply keep repeating over and over again, taking you from nowhere to nowhere, the same thoughts with slight variations in shape and color, but never in substance. Rather, one should realize their lack of substance…it’s important to stress here that we are talking about ‘thoughts’ and not ‘ideas.’

A while back he said,, and I paraphrase, "There is no thought which can't be sensed wordless. One can even observe, analyze, and evaluate without thought."

Seeing one's own DEATH is, of course, much worse than being unaware of it. That is to say, knowing and not doing is the worst kind of non-existence because one is SEEING his NONDOING and suffering endlessly because he has not accepted his helplessness. Rather, he wallows in it, embraces it and then drowns in it, not only declaring all of existence meaningless, but also declaring that no meaning can be extracted from it subjectively either. Whereas if one doesn't see his non-existence, then he is not aware of his death, but lives his death happily mistaking it for life..

You might say to yourself, "well I would rather be ignorant than miserable." I myself contemplate this notion every time I feel frustrated with my failures and unable to turn them into a propelling
force. I shout angrily, "Why did I have to step out of that old dream!? I was happy there!" This emotional statement, however, doesn't hold water:

First of all, the fact is that I was NOT actually HAPPY in that old dream. I like to think in terms of the movie "The Matrix" when it comes to this thought. Though you may not know you are occupying a
dream, you still feel uneasy somehow, as though there is something amiss, something missing, something eluding you. This thing which makes you uneasy doesn't seem to make everyone else uneasy, or if it does you are not aware of it because it is something unspeakable and incommunicable. You might do one of several things to try and make yourself feel 'normal'. You might indulge in fantasies, chemical substances, give dreams within the dream undue meaning, or any other umpteen modes of escape that will keep you "numb" and momentarily distanced from that permanent underlying feeling of uneasiness. On the other hand, you might, instead of running away from that uneasiness, attempt to run towards it, chasing it down any elusive alleyway that might have an inkling of promise. In essence you are searching for the edge of the dream you occupy, though you may never consciously understand that this is what you are doing, you still sense the need to do it, as well as the faint clue of possible directions, though not necessarily the reasons for the faint recognition.

Second of all, it seems to be a relative truth that when one SEES what is before him, it becomes rather impossible to then UNSEE it! If one walks out of the dream he occupied, then he SEES it as a dream, and how can he possibly go back there? Because if one "knows", one has to really work so hard to "unknow". He basically has to intentionally re-blind the eye that has just been opened…but then the intentionality of this act in and of itself implies awareness, and that knowledge, though it has been re-suppress, still exists somewhere deep in the subconscious. And as we know, the subconscious is the root of our acquired personality.

Now, I admit that it's quite possible I am incorrectly assuming that my unhappiness in the old dream stemmed from the uneasiness sensed with regards to the non-existence of the dream itself. It's possible
that, having walked out of that dream, I have arrogantly concluded that it was MY DOING, as opposed to some kind of accidental or coincidental happening, as in a particular life changing meeting that I had which I am referring to. But even if I am mistaken, and the uneasiness was just the so called normal, average, every day anxiety brought on by the typical human biochemical and psychological conditions, I still feel that one who walks out of a dream would have previously registered some kind of impression which made it possible for him to be shocked into the next dream. And actually, this impression which registers and makes a person an INDIVIDUAL is NOT, actually his DOING either, but maybe just his LUCK, a result of the cause and effect chain and other laws I can’t imagine right now, but not CHOICE. That is to say, a shock to the common belief system is what brings a person out of one dream reality and into the next, but that same shock present before another person can go unnoticed, whereas you have, for some reason, not only noticed it, but REALIZED it in a way that altered your entire reality and turned it on its head! In fact, to be more precise, WHAT IS is always there though we are NOT there to recognize it. Thus, there is some factor which makes one person suddenly become AWARE, while the others remain where they were before.

But where am I now? What have I concluded? Have I gotten anywhere in all this talking? Hahahaha well I've decided to laugh!!! Everything is so ridiculous and I'm laughing and yet my body wants to cry, to scream, to give up completely!!! WHY???? WHY? WHY? WHY CAN'T I LAUGH AT MYSELF????

Hahahaha well I just SAW the emotional self for a moment and DID laugh hahahaha…ohhh how strange our state of being and non being. How complex we have made the simple. How impossible we have made the possible. Again…FEAR is overcoming my body and mind….

STOP. Simply STOP. YOU ARE RULA. YOU ARE LOVE. THERE IS NOTHING TO LOSE when you are already DEAD…there is only GAIN to be had…you must turn your losses into WINS by using them to propel you to ACTION! ACTION alone can help you attain LIFE. And another thing, if you can't laugh at yourself, and if you don't ACT and declare your final death, then you declare another's death too. So, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU ARE RULA. YOU ARE LOVE…


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Lost, I Must Recall Our Destination
03/22/2006 09:47 p.m.

March 19th, 2006 Frankfurt Airport 9:15 a.m.


I am here, but I am not here. I have never been here in all my so called life. Even before my departure I was feeling the loneliness and desperation building up. Most of all, it was the fear which I was fearing, continually projecting an assumed reality of death.

On the plane all the emotional energies swarmed the intellectual center and swooped down mercilessly. No utterance of logic had any kind of penetrating impact on my subconscious and the body was simply reacting to the overwhelming fear with relentless, uncontrollable tears. Even now I am fighting them back.

“I can’t stop the thoughts,” I thought, and became even more emotional. “These boots were made for walking…” playing endlessly like an out of control playback recording of one line. “I should have packed the bags this way or that way…I wasted all the money I had because I was emotionally distraught and couldn’t think straight. I had no control. I have no control.” Most of all, I thought “I am dead without my LIFE,” constantly projecting a physical death of my life and the subsequent metaphysical death of the other. Fractions of moments came in consciousness and went by, weak, almost non-existent. Will I ever be able to stand where I am? I made a phone call when I arrived, though I was feeling a great disappointment in myself. But I needed to hear, first hand, that my LIFE was not lost on any plane. I needed a reminder that was not my own faint, almost dead voice. I did receive it and I embraced it, though the fear was still everywhere to be found. Thoughts are nothing, they are not WHAT IS, I let him remind me for the moment the receiver was in my hand.

I’m listening to people around me talking so meaninglessly, accomplishing nothing, going nowhere. I think about 30 years of wasted moments. Thirty years!! How can I continue to waste, to sleep, to live my death over and over again? I must simply STOP NOW. I just can’t wait for a happening. There is no life in waiting for the next moment because there is NO next moment. How can I realize the truth of this statement and yet continue to project my fears, my dreams etc. there in that non-existent space in that non-existent time? This is the horror of the situation. How can one ever find LIFE if even in knowing he wallows in his DEATH, indulging in every fear and every dream and every effect of every cause he is predisposed to indulge in?

I see now that no one can be changed. No one has a choice. I alone can change, and I alone can become the active force in the happenings of my life. But still, in this projected moment I am NOT and because of this I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of loss, I’m afraid of death on every level. I’m afraid of being stuck in the knowing without that hand to guide me into DOING.

STOP. STOP! All life is spent crossing the bridge before we come to it. The time is NOW and the process of reaching cannot tolerate emotionalism. The work ahead of us is the process which we can’t afford to dismiss or give up. I am helpless if you die and you are helpless if I die. We are helpless in all aspects of this existence. So we must simply realize and accept this helplessness because there is no other way OUT. Just hold on tight as long as the laws permit, and we will interfere as the active force all we can by using our special desire, our obsession, our insistence on LIVING. There is so much hard work ahead of us in order to reach this very moment. I just can’t give up my LIFE for NOTHING! I am not prepared to die! And ahead I am not AM at all, but continuing to live my death! What there is to lose is not HERE, and what is HERE can never be lost. There I am, and here I am not. What is loss of LIFE when one never LIVES? There is nothing to lose, death is already here and so is physical death a certainty. There is only gain to be had and all losses must be assessed and evaluated based on their potential to be used for our GAIN. Yes, WE CAN and WILL STOP. STOP is our final perpetual destination.

Mood: Afraid, Alienated, and Alone


I am listening to The Unreality of the Internal and External Realities

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