A fire that doesn't die
06/08/2005 08:42 p.m.


We’ve revisited the camp
Rekindled the embers
So many times
It’s a wonder there is wood left in the forest

But I will do it again and again
Until we build a hearth
In our own home
Where the fire never has to die

I am currently O.K.

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You came and got your stuff today
06/07/2005 11:06 p.m.

You came and got the last of your stuff today
Remnants of you all over the house
Gone

I vowed that if this didn’t work out
I wouldn’t grieve your loss again
Yet the tears come unbidden
And I can’t catch my breath

I don’t miss the tension
I don’t miss the conflict
I don’t miss the differences of opinion
I don’t miss the things you didn’t say
The things you said behind your eyes
And thought I didn’t notice

I miss your smile
I miss your touch at night
I miss my friend
I miss my lover
I miss all the places we’ll never go
And of course, growing old with you

You know your happiness is so important to me
I don’t want you to suffer from loneliness
Maybe she’ll be less encumbered by her challenges
Maybe she won’t have estranged children coming home
And you can have a fresh start
And you can live in bliss at last

I am currently Sad
I am listening to Your voice fade to black

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Family Gathering
05/31/2005 11:35 a.m.


It's the first time my entire family has been together in forever (at least two years or so). We played trivial pursuits, barbequed at my house. It was amazingly wonderful.

I fit into my family of origin more like my grandparents' youngest daughter rather than the oldest of their oldest's daughter (did that make any sense at all?). In other words, I'm more like my mother's sister than her daughter. It's fine. It was awesome. I was full of joy and my house was full of laughter. Especially that of my oldest son, and that was the best part of all.

I have so many changes going on (all of them taking place in May), it was quite fitting to be surrounded by my family of origin this weekend. My children are, one by one, coming home. My husband and I are no longer together. I quit my old job, and am starting a temporary one for the summer. My triplets are turning 14 in June. Kate is 15, Jess is 17. Everyone is growing up, and I feel myself growing, entering a new phase of my life.

Most of all, and I know I've said it alot lately, I am awed and grateful for the peace and joy I feel, all the sweet anticipation I have for what's coming. I am intentionally drawing certain experiences to myself, and I'm so excited to feel this empowered. I am enjoying the now as well, grasping each and every joyful moment and counting it a treasure.

My children don't exactly get it, but they are happy to be with a happy mom. And as they ask, "how come, Mom?", I am trying to uncover the magic of their own power to them so they can begin to create a life of joy so much younger than I did....LOL!!! We'll see!!
I am currently Happy
I am listening to my daughters melt marshmallows for s'mores

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I must overcome this...
05/22/2005 05:44 p.m.

...this hesitance to write in my journal, since I know it will be read by one who will critisize it, scrutinize its meaning, and twist it into something I wasn't trying to say at all. I want to share what is happening. But I don't want my sharing to create more challenges for me in my immediate personal life. *sigh*
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to my daughter set up the board game we are going to play

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Excellent Thought!!!
05/20/2005 04:42 p.m.
Author Unknown

"There are no limitations on what you can think about. So why do you spend so much time thinking the same limiting thoughts over and over again?

Real, original thinking is more than just reacting the same way you did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Your thoughts can be completely independent of everything else in your life. As such, they can liberate you. Your thoughts can enable you to overcome your limitations because your thoughts have the ability to operate completely beyond any limitation and outside those limitations.

Expand your thinking and you are on your way to expanding the reality of your life. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do, the first step in the process is to point your thoughts in that direction. Real thinking takes effort – mental effort. And it’s well worth the effort. Your thoughts can lead you anywhere you wish to go.

What you think about the most is what you become. And you can think about anything you want. That’s enormous power! Use it or all it’s worth."

I find this to be so timely and just excellent!!

I am currently Loved
I am listening to My daughter pop her knuckles!

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And Again
03/25/2005 11:16 p.m.
Who is God
Omnipotent Genius
That His handywork in us
Should be so pleasant?
How is it that we were crafted
To know such joy in existence?
Our taste buds delighting
As we give our vessels energy
Our loins orgasmic
As we follow our primal thrusts
To make babies
Our skin tingling at love’s touch
Our eyes finding beauty
In the earth, moon and sky


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Down Again
03/25/2005 11:14 p.m.

What will become of us
Mortal bodies in a cast of spirits
Living, loving, sharing -Mixing the essence of our beingsIn the Universe of the Mother
To comfort our sorrows,
To multiply our joys -
To love
With the endurance of the mountains,
To dance with the freedom
Of the Wind,
To laugh in all the colors
Of the rainbow -
This is the beauty in our humanity
This is the peace that cannot be told
In words
To join hands with you
For a small moment
Of our Journey
And behold what blossoms...








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Just to get it down...
03/25/2005 11:08 p.m.
I wish I didn’t get so tired sometimes
Edging far too close to faithless
Closing my eyes in sleep instead of prayer
Adrenaline head-snap -
I’m awake!
Did I veer too far?
No sudden impact -
I’m awake.
Pull over and thank my God
Again and again
For keeping me alive
While I drive this vehicle down
The highway of my life

Weariness weighs so much
Lead dress of flesh
Keeping my feet on the ground
I want to soar
Savior, take me to the sky
Where these laws don’t apply
42 years of disappointment look back
In every reflection of myself
It feels too late for me
Tell me it isn’t too late for me
Tell me the wreckage isn’t all that’s left of my life
Tell me there is still time to love my children,
To love my husband;
Tell me there is a way that will heal the scars of free will run rampant.


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I think I figured it out
03/17/2005 11:40 p.m.
Rush me upstairs to my “day-room”
While I’m still heaving the anesthesia
That poisoned my sleeping body.
Take away the bed
As soon as I take my first post-op step,
Giving me a “nice recliner” to sit in
For the next two hours.
Rush along this “recovery” process
So I don’t clog your bursting census.
Send me home without being sure
Everything is back to working properly,
And diagnose my trip to the ER the next day -
In and out of consciousness
Bradycardic and absorbing O2 at a dangerously
Low rate of 82%
Due to the overdose of undigested pain medications –
As “nausea and vomiting”
I mean, after all,
That sounds innocent enough.
It might have been better if you’d made sure
I was digesting adequately
Before directing me to fill my stomach with
Oxycodone and Vicodin Q4hrs
Allowing an overdose to extend an
Already difficult recovery.
If I could spit on your “practice” of medicine…
Maybe I belong in an earlier era
Where my need to have that organ removed
Might have killed me instead.

I am currently Bummed
I am listening to My stomach working again

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Surgery and Recovery
03/16/2005 09:26 p.m.
Three weeks later and I'm still exhausted. They should tell you that even though they are taking the gall bladder laporoscopically, five incisions will take longer to heal than the traditional three. And that when you are on pain medications, getting off can make a person extremely miserable (addictive narcotic evilness!!!!) - hot and cold flashes, fevers, chills, aches, pains, muddy-headedness, poor concentration. It hardly seems a fair trade for the pain. :-(

I know I'll get back to my usual, sunny self, but right now I just wish I could go to bed for a month...
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to Carlos Nakai

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