My heart is his
03/13/2008 05:34 a.m.

Jeremiah has been here for one year today. And I'm more attached today than ever, having abandoned for the moment all fears and trepidations that would send me running away. He is steadfast in his statements. Our love seems to grow stronger as we come out of the difficulties still holding each others' hands. My children adore him. Despite his upbringing, he is a wonderful guide and mentor. My older relatives adore him, especially noting that he cares for me more than any other man in my life.

Some things are true no matter how many times they aren't said, and some things are not true no matter how many times spoken word tries to make it so.

I would love to spend the rest of my life with this man. He is amazingly kind and wonderful and generous and wise beyond his years, and if the day comes that he is no longer in my life, on that day my heart breaks, and most of it leaves with him.




I am currently Loved
I am listening to Jeremiah and my children discussing philosophy.

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I think I understand
03/09/2008 12:13 p.m.

I think I finally understand why he feels paralyzed, why he does not or cannot take this relationship to the next level, the fears and the dread that he will not be able to live up to a standard that he was never able to experience in his own life. He managed to live through circumstances that most young people never know, and part of the way he learned to manage was to not allow his circumstances to matter. In that way, they did not destroy him (as similar circumstances do to most).

My circumstances matter ALOT to me, sometimes coming very close to destroying all of me and certainly destroying pieces of me at times. They always did matter, even when I was too young to really be able to "do" anything about them. I'm not saying I did any better with my life than he has done with his up to this point. I still screwed up, made selfish decisions even though I didn't intend to, and even when my intentions were with everyone else's well-being in mind, I STILL didn't manage to give anyone the absolute best-case scenario. Still, the way I face my fears is to fret about them, stew, worry, and then - when the circumstances become unbearable, or the next consequence is unbearable, I DO something. I jump. I move. I plan. I DON'T cope. I change. There is a resultant chaos about my life, constant change and little stability.

He, on the other hand, doesn't "face" his fears at all. He lets the beast rear its ugly head, deal whatever blows it may, and then he simply moves forward in whatever fashion seems to present itself. That's what his survival has been about. Usually the "beast" was an outside influence beyond his control; sometimes it was something inside, his own inner demon. But in the face of difficulties, he simply allows it to unfold, seemingly unattached to and uninvested in the outcome one way or another. From what I can gather, it's nearly inconceivable to him that he should interact with or contribute to an outcome of any kind. There is an apparent peace about his life, despite constant change, and he manages a stability that I have admired for a very long time.

So, we have these many built in contrasts: our age difference, our backgrounds, our life focus at the moment, our personal communication styles, our past responsibilities, the way we handle what life hands us. What we have in common, however, is just as convincing and perhaps even more so: our love and respect for one another, our love of creating music, our desire to express ourselves through written word, our love of art, our spirituality and the paths we are taking together, our visions of the next few decades and what we want to be doing, our love of my children, our appreciation of the earth and what we can do to preserve it, my current responsibilities and the way he embraces them, our taste in musicians, our food preferences, love of travel...the list is pretty impressive and I'm certain I'm leaving things out both ways, but the evidence seems beautiful in the "in common" list.

I believe I have been misunderstanding his hesitance, and he has been loathe to deal with my desire to put this relationship on solid ground morally. But after a lengthy discussion tonight, I can see his point, and I know he can see mine.

I just don't know if understanding is enough to get us both headed in the direction we seem to both wish to go. The way I see it, we are presented with a fork in the road, and I feel eager to choose a way, I want so to explore it, treasure it, move my life onto it. He, on the other hand, whether he prefers to or not, stands at this fork in the road and......and.....stands at this crossroad unable to force an investement by making a choice. I've told him many times that if he chooses the path without me, I would, of COURSE, understand and respect his decision, always wishing the best for him. I would NEVER fault him for saying a future together is not probably going to work out. Basically, though, I think it's that I'm a rusher (too often to my detriment) and he is a waiter (too often to his detriment), and the two traits are clashing more and more as time goes on.

So I write to try to understand, to possibly discover a shift in my perspective that brings some more tolerance to my side of the table. He SWEARS it's not about an inability to see a future together, and I think that after tonight, I believe him.

And now for something completely different.....

Daylight savings time - UGH!!! I detest "springing forward."

And now I must obey my falling eyelids and rest.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to My guy rolling over in bed

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I need to go back to school...
03/09/2008 12:42 a.m.

What in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get unstuck and just apply? I have this closing window of opportunity, yet the prospect of committing myself to school just makes me freeze.



I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to the window closing

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"Definitely, Maybe" movie review
03/08/2008 01:56 p.m.
I went to the theater with my aunt tonight and saw "Definitely, Maybe"

It's a story about a single dad who sets out to tell his daughter how she came to be in the world after she has sex education at school, and then begs him and begs him to tell the story of her beginnings. He finally acquieces, on the condition that he's changing the names of the characters in his love life, and that she has to guess which love of his life is her mother. He ends up describing his entire love life to her along the way.

Overall, I liked the story. The actress who plays the daughter is Abigail Breslin, who also played starring roles in "Little Miss Sunshine", "Signs", "Raising Helen", and several other lesser-known titles. She is adorable in an unassuming, "I am just an ordinary kid" kind of way.

Some of my observations...

First of all, the story seems to span about 15 years, and EVERY ONE of the main character's girlfriends is model-gorgeous and none of them puts on a pound or ages in any way from start to finish. And the main character's personality paired with the very average looks of the actor chosen to play the part sends my asthetic distance running. I found that aspect of the movie to be just a little too pretentious to keep me from good naturedly scoffing.

I did like the way the movie captured the breaking heart of a child who wishes her parents wouldn't get divorced, and how while the adult drama unfolds, there is another story that isn't always told - the losses a child suffers during divorce.

I also enjoyed the daughter's blatantly honest observations of her father's behavior and choices throughout, even if some of them seemed a bit mature for the age of the character. For instance, the daughter says, "What's the male version of 'slut'?", which seems a contrast to the overall innocence portrayed by the incredulous school kids after their exposure to sex-ed.

I found it personally a little morally disturbing that the main character flits from relationship to relationship, revisiting most of them at least once, has a child with his college sweetheart (the second time around for them which turns into a failed marriage), but it turns out THAT'S not the love of his life after all.

I guess my main criticism of this movie is that it didn't quite pull off the mixing of "not plausible" scenarios (the BEAUTIFUL girlfriends who never aged) with the more "plausible" realities of modern romance (multiple partners, divorce, reuniting with past interests, missed synchronicity). I want to either watch a movie and say, "Oh, isn't that fantasy lovely" or "Wow, that was SO real!"

Also, I wasn't too enamored with the main character's personality. I would have liked to care more about who he was.

More reviews out there, anyone????
I am currently Pathetic
I am listening to an early motorcyclist ride

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My kids
03/01/2008 12:26 a.m.

I know that there are some folks in my life who think I'm not a great mom, maybe even that I failed miserably. I know there are some folks in my life who understand a little bit about the difficulties I faced in those early years, as well as the years after that. I know there are those in my life who love me despite my character defects, and appreciate the fact that I keep trying to improve, always. I am who I am, I've made as many apologies for my mistakes as I can think of, and my days of being needed as a mom are beginnging to wind down while the days of being a grandmother are quickly approaching.

All that said, I have to say....I have the most amazing, wonderful kids in the world!!!! It's not that any of them are perfect, but given the shit they've had to deal with in life and some major flaws in choices, I stand in awe of their personalities, their accomplishments, their goals, their ability to admit when they're wrong and face the consequences, their hearts, their bravery, and a genuine zest for life that each of them possesses despite the crazy childhoods they've lived.

I stand in awe nearly every day of one or some or all of them. I am convinced every day that I must be the most fortunate mom on the face of the planet. Collectively they are sweet, WAY talented, intelligent, responsible (everyone who's responsible makes some mistakes, but the key is learning and moving on), funny, beautiful, adorable. They have goals and dreams and the ones who are old enough are working toward those goals and dreams.

So here's a shout out to my children.....you are all brilliantly shining stars in a world gone dark and crazy.


I am currently Proud
I am listening to My bread rise (the first batch in my new oven!)

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This started out as a poem comment...
02/10/2008 11:12 a.m.


But as I wrote it, I realized I was having one of those reflective moments, and I don't want to lose it. So here it is....

"My oldest son is going to have his first child this year and I just celebrated my middle child's 18th birthday yesterday. You give them everything you can, and sometimes they love it and sometimes they hate it. And sometimes they use it against you, all of it, when they're angry. And they vow not to make the same mistakes as you. And they don't. They make all brand new ones just like we did, and they do the best they can. I've lost sight of what I meant to teach them, and ended up teaching them a bunch of things I never knew I would. It's a whirlwind of amazing adventure, and no one ever knows how it's going to turn out, no matter how carefully we plan it out. But the one thing I comfort myself with is that everything, just as it is, brings each of us the opportunity to make some progress, even if it's just a little."

I suppose if I had it to do over again, I might skip bringing children into my sad little life, with all the challenges I feel I didn't live up to. I know in my heart of hearts I've done my best, but I just didn't realize how short I was going to come up in the money, patience and keeping-the-biggest-picture-in-mind departments.

With my first child, I chose principle over relationship, and just about lost my relationship with him altogether. I don't think it's a total loss; we're working on communication, but it's been a VERY long road and he still has some major resentments.

With the others, I found myself choosing to keep the relationship intact over strictness, keeping two ideas in mind:

1) that as soon as they could handle owning their own decisions, I encouraged them to think about what was in their best interest in the long haul and then would offer myself as a support as much as possible in the data-gathering phase of their decision making processes and, also, in the consequence part of the process; and

2) that forbidding them to do something if they were at an age where they could accomplish it without my assistance wouldn't stop them from doing it if they were determined enough, and it would alienate me from them (as I've seen happen with my oldest son and with other families). Rather, I had frank discussions about what choices they would likely face, and acknowledged that they would essentially be alone when they faced those choices (i.e. whether or not to become intoxicated, whether or not to have sex with someone), and then my goal was to offer them what data I had gathered over the years, give them information about what my parental preferences were, and then empower them to own the decision. I mean, they were going to own those choices anyway, and my thought was to encourage open communication about it to avoid them relying on only themselves or their friends, and to, thereby, avoid some of the very dangerous situations teenagers seem to get themselves into these days.

I've had only two stipulations that would take their decision making power out of their own hands. The first is that they HAVE to tell me where they are at all times, no exceptions. It isn't about control, it's about safety, and as long as I know where they are, I can help them if there is trouble. And these days, there can be serious trouble...

And the second stipulation has been that if their choices were seriously interferring with their futures, I reserved the right to switch gears and lay the hammer down. So, basically, as long as them making their own decisions didn't result in failing grades, the inability to keep a job, social decline (jail, etc), they could keep on making their own choices. Because, as far as I can tell, that's what real life is like. You can go along independently as long as you don't stray too far from the accepted boundaries, but if you go too far over those boundaries, you lose your right to choose, and your life becomes controlled by higher authorities.

I know it's very unconventional. I've had limited opportunity to actually fully raise all of the kids with this philosophy, and life at their father's has been very different from life at my house. Infact, I've been highly criticized by their father for my parenting style. But he's quick enough to send them to live with me when he's run out of options with them. At any rate, because all but two of my six children have mostly lived at their dad's, it doesn't seem likely that the results are totally indicative of the success or failure of my methods. And, not all methods work the same with all kids, so I've had to tweek it here and there for the kids that need a little more structure to get by. Only time will tell, I guess, if I've made the right choices or not. I wasn't raised at all the way I've tried to raise my kids, and none of this parenting comes with a handbook... (though I have taken my fair share of parenting classes and gotten alot of useful information there).

I can say that so far, the kids have not always chosen according to my preferences (but do they even if strictness is the norm?). But I can say that I know where the kids that live with me are at all times, everyone has above a 3.0 GPA, no one has gotten into trouble with the law on my watch (knock on wood), and they each communicate very openly with me, even if I don't always especially like what I hear (sometimes they offer me parenting critique because, hey, it's a two-way street as far as I'm concerned. My philosophy is to treat each other the way you want to be treated). Sometimes I have to eat crow, and I'm certain that I don't always set the best example, but I think it works out in the end because in being able to admit that I'm not perfect, and then make ammends, it seems to be easier for them to do the same.

My goal is the same as any other parent's - to raise healthy children who are able to function responsibly and productively in this whack-o society; children who appreciate the value of love, kindness, compassion, sincerity and empathy for others. I can't think of what would be better, and so far, at least from what I can gather by my own observations along with what others tell me about my children, I'm not too far off-base. I'm still very self-critical about my parenting, especially when I don't live up to my own best ideas about being available, or controlling my temper, or just being moody. It's not at all easy to take responsibility for my short comings, to expose myself to the kids when I do, but I feel it's critical for me to do that so they can learn to do the same as they mature.

Maybe I wouldn't change bringing kids into the world after all. I DEFINITELY wouldn't want to imagine my life without the magic of these beautiful souls who are my children.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my 18 year old wandering through the kitchen

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I'm going to be a grandma!!!
02/04/2008 05:13 p.m.


My oldest son called last night. He and his wife are unexpectedly expecting their first child. I'm thrilled for them.

And then it sunk in. This means I'm going to be Nanna. Oy.


I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to the idea of it sinking in

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I have to say something about my guy....
01/30/2008 07:46 p.m.


Being in a relationship is not easy. I know that, at my age, very well.

Being in a relationship with a man 18 years younger than me brings along with it all the "usual" relationship stuff (differences in communication styles, luggage from the past, struggles for control over certain "territories"), plus the age difference issues (issues stemming from different points of view due to generational experiences, energy level differences, some differences in entertainment choices, etc).

But I am experiencing one main difference with Jeremiah that keeps me going. Where every other man I've been in a relationship with is finally content to let the relationship go when I've run out of energy (as if I was the one responsible for providing energy and once I couldn't provide that for a minute, they simply shrugged and discarded me), Jeremiah sees value here, encouraging me to keep going because what we have together is worth working through the hardships in order to realize the fruit of what we have.

I LOVE that about him. I'm still not 100% convinced this is going to last, but at least I'm willing to keep exploring the possibilities, and I have hope that we DO have something worth the effort it's taking to go forward.

I know I'm old, and tired, and easily discouraged given my history of ended relationships. I'm jaded, I'm sad to admit, and that doesn't make it easy for faith to thrive inside my time with Jeremiah. But he infuses us with his hope, and for that I'm grateful!!!!
I am currently Happy
I am listening to only two tones in my ears.

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I had a dream
01/24/2008 06:11 p.m.

I dreamt last night of a huge apartment. Jeremiah and I went there because I had to see a woman whom I thought lived there. But when we got there, a different family had moved in - a mother, older daughter, some small children, a young man. There were boxes everywhere. The apartment itself was longer than wide, about two rooms wide in most places, but it had a basement, a main floor, and an upper floor. I never did get to the upper floor, stayed mostly on the main floor. We had quite a long conversation with these women. I wish I could remember what we talked about.

At one point, I went exploring and discovered a very long and luxurious bathtub, green it was. And when I pointed it out to Miah, he climbed right in clothes and all. I was shocked he'd done that, thinking about having to go out into the cold when we needed to leave and him still being all wet, and how embarrassed we'd be that he'd used this family's bathtub impulsively.

Finally, I went exploring a little more, and discovered a dance studio. There were three young women dancing on a small stage, all dark haired, and one of them was Miah's ex. She had a talent for dancing which surprised me. I stood in the shadows, hoping she wouldn't see me, and hoping that Miah wouldn't come in looking for me. Then it occured to me that it was silly of Miah and I to go to where he used to live and not expect to run into her. Sure enough, she spotted him, and sweetly asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk to her about. I left the room and waited for them to get finished. And then I woke up.


I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to the dogs wrestle

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It's 2:09, and I don't know jack...
01/23/2008 10:19 a.m.

It's 2:09 and here I sit, in the dark but for the light of this goofy screen. My ears are ringing so many tones I have a frickin symphony playing in my head. I swear if I listened hard enough it would drive me insane. ALL of the hearing is now gone in my right ear, and my left ear is worse again. The ENT doc will be gone now for two weeks, so I just have to wait it out to see if my hearing will eventually come back. I was talking on the phone this evening, receiver up to my "good" ear, and my daughter asked me a question that I simply couldn't hear AT ALL. If it's still this bad in a week, I'll call and remake the appt. I cancelled when I went on antibiotics for the ear infection.

These little moments that come, quiet in the night, no one awake in the house but me. I feel so alone. But I'm not afraid. I'm frustrated that I'm 45 and haven't figured out jack shit.

I'm thinking about going to school while things are good with Meme (the grandmother I'm taking care of full time now). I still have kids at home so I should qualify for every bit of financial aid out there, and what is there to lose? God knows I'm going to have reinvent my employment after I'm no longer needed as a caretaker, and now is an excellent time to beef up my really really really sad resume'.

I still haven't started the belly dancing lessons. I've just been too sick. It's going on 7 weeks now, and I went to the bank and the store tonight, and it nearly wiped me out. I still get tired and have to sleep at least once during the day, and then wake up at night coughing....

And come to the computer. 2:17. No poetry screaming to get out tonight. Just the ringing in my ears and the starburst of coughing behind my eyes.

I wonder what it would be like if I remain partially deaf...


I am currently Empty
I am listening to the symphony of tones in my head

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