Trouble sleeping
05/28/2008 08:41 a.m.

I can't seem to shake these dreams of Berna. Only, in the dreams, I know Berna, and he's very happy and I'm aware that a tragedy is going to befall him.

It's weird to me, now, how I was awakened that night (5/25) at just about the time Berna was hit, but all I did was get online and make a journal entry. I had no idea why I was awake, no sense of danger or even that things just weren't right somewhere in the world very nearby. *sigh* It seems I missed a major tap on the shoulder.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to my brain wanting to shut down

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And ...
05/27/2008 05:11 p.m.

And my older daughter happened to be the one who served Berna his last meal. She was hit with that realization early this morning, and she broke down one more time.

Berna's younger brother, Cruz, is just not coping well at all. He's too distraught to handle the funeral arrangements, and apparently their family from California can't get here in time to help (due to finances). So, my older daughter along with a young couple that were also really good friends of Berna's are going to help arrange the funeral. No one knows how we'll be able to come up with the money. I guess you don't think about life insurance at 24, and even if you do, the money is scarce for those kinds of things. They are going to be putting out donation jars in town this afternoon...

The killer and another man responsible for the fighting are now in custody now and charged with 2nd Degree Manslaughter, Aggravated Assault, and Burglary (as they had been told earlier in the night that they were not welcome on the property).




I am currently Sad
I am listening to a dawn of understanding

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Senseless death of a young person
05/26/2008 08:38 a.m.

So, my daughters go the the birthday party of one of their dearest friends. Like most parties, there are the crashers, the troublemakers who show up and try to start crap. And then there are the sweet, responsible people who try to keep things from getting out of hand.

Last night, one of those sweet young men, small in stature (5'3", maybe 130lbs); the brother of the host of this party, lost his life because a group of troublemakes showed up, and one of the troublemakes, allegedly unprovoked, hit this young man in the face, and when they went to wake him up this morning, he was dead. 24 years old, the whole rest of his life ahead of him, literally didn't know what hit him, and never woke up.

My younger daughter had stayed all night there (against my express instructions), witnessed part of the fighting that happened after the 24 year old got hit, and was one of the first people to discover this young man's dead body this morning. Of course there was alcohol and drug use going on at this party, and nobody, apparently, was capable of making sound decisions.

At first, I felt great relief that my own two girls were safe. So many other things could have happened. The alleged killer is a senior in high school with my older daughter and was supposed to graduate in a couple of weeks, but recently he's been seen high on Meth and was noted to be acting very aggressively last night. Other than that, no one is saying (or can figure out) why this happened, especially to the young man who died - one of the "sweetest guys" my girls have ever known.

But then, throughout the day, bits and pieces have been shifting deeper and deeper inward. I thought about the girl who's birthday party it was, and how she must be feeling. I thought about the birthday girl's older sister, who was the one who actually found the body this morning. I thought about the host, his brother, who lost a precious member of his family. And I thought about how, his mama and papa (who live in California) will never have their precious boy, ever again.

Maybe I'll write more later...


I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to my daughters crying and crying

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These late nights...
05/25/2008 10:45 a.m.

It's 3:30 am, and here I am again, sitting at my computer and gobbling up the bits of poetry and journal entries of others, just to get me out of myself.

My attitude drives me nuts sometimes. I was remembering, today, how a few years back I felt almost a constant peace inside, even when things outside were not so peaceful - John gambling and lying to me about it, the kids' dad mucking up my relationships with them on a nearly constant basis, etc, etc - I marveled at how I felt on the inside despite those outside upsets.

And now the peace eludes me. Jeremiah says it's in my stars, that peace inside fluctuates like the tides in life. I always thought that once I'd experienced peace a good long time, it would stick with me. But that's not the way it's worked out.

And so recently there is this discontent, frustration, irritation, lack of tolerance, crabbiness, and Miah asks me about it, and I have these things outside myself that I point to (ridiculously), as if, somehow, those "things" were better, I would feel better. I know it isn't so. I KNOW it doesn't happen that way. I know that peace is an inside job, just as much as discontent is.

Trouble is, I have no idea how to get it back, this peace. And I'm so tired lately - except for sometimes, late at night, like now, when I have the world all to myself and my wind chimes singing to me and the cool, night breeze blowing across my skin in waves of sweet relief.

In a minute, I'll go crawl back into bed next to my sweet guy, lay my head in the crook of his arm, stretch my arm across his chest and hold his hand, and feel like a little girl all protected and safe, and let his breathing lullaby me into dreaming. Maybe I'll dream of flying again. I LOVE those dreams.



I am currently Bothered
I am listening to the wind blowing into my bedroom

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Home again, home again
05/20/2008 08:25 a.m.

Saturday it ended up being 96 degrees in Eugene, but it was beautiful anyway. So much to see, so many cool items at Saturday Market. Just like last year, I got a hair wrap (a small section of hair, underneath, in the back, is wrapped with different colored threads. It hangs about two inches below the hair line, and there are bells and a charm).

AND, Miah bought me a ring. It's not an engagement ring, it's on my ring finger on my right hand, but it's very pretty. It's silver with engraved flowers all around the band, hand made by a jeweler who makes all sorts of gorgeous jewelry. We decided it would be my "September 2009" ring.

Saturday evening, we decided to explore by walking. Turns out the "WOW Hall" event was an "OUT/LOUD Dyke week" production with several "dyke" bands who sang lyrics with "dyke" messages (sorry, THEY used the word "dyke"....). Um, kind of interesting, but we actually arrived too late to see much of it. Then we went to this club with live music, a little band who's lead singer didn't show up, so they just played the music. It was a funny mix of 8-bit, 80's style synthesizer and rock. I was definitely the oldest woman there :-(, and the dancing wasn't couples or even groups, but everyone lined up listening to the band. So Miah went up to dance by himself, and it was sort of hot, to see the women flirting with him and him flirting back. We got back to our room at about 3:00 am.

MY MOTHER!!! So, part of the reason I GO on vacation is to be able to sleep in. Except that Sunday morning, MY MOTHER calls and wakes me up at 9:30 am!!! (*@"*^#$*) And she says, "Oh honey, I woke you up, I'm so sorry...." but proceeds to talk my ear off about what's happening at home. No emergencies, just to catch me up. UGH!!!

Sunday Miah and I fasted all day to honor the appearance of Lord Nrshringadeva (spelling?), and then went to a home program instead of the temple in the evening. Awesome day. We found a funky "yard sale" in a store front rented by some activist group, bought some ecclectic items there. We walked and walked and decided on a couple of places we would visit on Monday when everything was open. We got back from the home program around 9:45 pm, ordered some takeout Thai food (yummy!!!) and went to sleep.

MY MOTHER.....that's right....calls AGAIN, only this time it's a HALF HOUR EARLIER than the day before!!!!! OMG!!! I could NOT believe it! Thanks, Mom. LOL

So we packed up the car, and went to the Eugene Toy and Hobbie Shop (we bought modeling clay and some odds and ends), and a Game store (where we bought a really interesting strategy game), and an organic store (I bought some 100% natural facial moisturizer). We also went to the New and Used music store, and Miah bought a Yamaha Alto Recorder for me. Mmmmmm. I love playing it!!! And we splurged on used CD's that were 3/$1.00. Then, we went by a mirror place, and Miah talked them out of several scrap pieces of mirror. Oh, and we found another glass store (centered mostly around stained glass), and we got some of the most interesting glass pieces with patterns. Afterward, we went to the park and took some really REALLY interesting pictures. I can't wait to play some more with the glass and the camara.

All in all (and I KNOW I'm leaving things out here) we had a WONDERFUL time.
* happy sigh *

One of the things I LOVE about my relationship with Miah is that we never seem to run out of things to talk about. For most of the 3 1/2 hour drive back home, we didn't even have any music on - we just talked and talked! We talked about creative projects we could do with the glass and mirrors and claymation. We exchanged business ideas we could have in the future. We talked about us, how we started 11 years ago, how in love we felt back in the day, and how we each tried our best to move on without one another because of our age difference, and how, 11 years later, here we are after all. He said, "After we get married..." - just slipped it in to conversation like it wasn't any big deal. My heart beat pretty wildly, and I don't even remember much of what he said after that. LOL! And we talked about our future, what direction we'd like to head in after the kids are all moved out and Meme doesn't need me to care for her. It was lovely, all of it, a near perfect weekend.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to my eyes closing

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My first grandchild will be a boy!
05/13/2008 06:38 a.m.

Well, my oldest son and his wife found out today that she is having a boy! Wow.

I can't believe he's going to be a daddy!

I need to think up a cool name for "grandma", something very unique and a name that won't step on anyone else's toes.

*happy sigh*


I am currently Amazed
I am listening to a baby laughing in my soul

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Mother's Day
05/12/2008 06:31 a.m.

Wow. What an awesome day. I woke up early to go pick lillacs for Meme; they're her favorites! And the ones I found were especially fragrant! So I filled her sitting area/living room with them, and her apartment "looks like a florist's shop!"

And then, Kate (my middle daughter) took me out to the nicest lunch at Petite Province, and while we were gone, Amanda, Jennell, Steven (the triplets) and Miah (my guy) decorated the livingroom upstairs with heart shaped balloons and streamers and they bought me Perrier and Dove chocolates and chips and salsa. And they all pitched in and bought me the most beautiful wood wind chimes. I feel like I'm listening to African winds with them outside my bedroom window. And everyone kept hugging me and telling me "Happy Mother's Day". And hugging me some more. And Courtney (my used to be step daughter) came over with Andrew (her fiance) and her Mexico rescue kittens (who are still so tiny I can't believe she's had them for almost three weeks). And Miah has just been glowing all day, for no apparent reason, his eyes sparkling when he looks at me, and he's been so affectionate and touchy/feely. Mmmmmmm. What an awesome day!!!

And Jessica (my oldest daughter who is in the Navy) sent me a Mom's Day email from Japan....joking about how she would cook me dinner if she was home, only she isn't a very good cook (her words, not mine!) and so maybe she'd take me out instead for Chinese.

And Joe (my oldest son) even texted me, "Happy Mother's Day", which I don't deserve from him (at least from his point of view), so it was extra-wonderful that he said anything at all.

I am blessed beyond reason, and I don't deserve it, which makes the blessing so much sweeter. I have the most wonderful children on the face of the planet. AND the most wonderful guy EVER!!! I don't know who decided I should be so happy, so I'll just cover all the bases and be grateful. :-)


I am currently Blessed
I am listening to my Mother's Day windchimes

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Meme forgot my name tonight...
05/09/2008 06:11 a.m.

Really, she's doing so much better than I thought she would overall when we brought her home last October, but tonight, while I was helping her with her shower, she said "Now, what does, uh, you know, that other man....(referring to Miah)....what does he call you? Ahlee?" I said, "Do you mean Miah?" She said, "oh yes, Miah. He calls you 'ahlee'?" (mispronouncing my nick name) I told her, "Well, he calles me Ali." (pronounced alley) She said, "Oh, yes, Ali, that's right. I wonder why he calls you that." I said, "Because it's the short version of my proper name." Then I paused to gauge her response. When there was none, I said, "Do you remember my proper name?" "No," she said quickly. I said, using my best casual tone "Oh, well, it's Alison." And she said, "Yes, of course. Alison. Of course. I didn't remember, but now I do. Alison. I never call you 'Ali'. Never." I reminded her, "You used to, but since you came home from Evergreen, you don't anymore." She thought about it and said, "But I don't call you that now. I can't ever remember calling you that."

So, after a much longer reprieve than I thought was even possible, the Parkinson's is kicking back in. I had actually started to convince myself that she didn't have it at all. Well. I shouldn't be suprised. I knew it was coming eventually.

And her nose won't stop running, and her legs bother her constantly, and her temperature won't regulate itself anymore. All of these, apparently, being symptoms of Parkinson's Dementia. I think it's time to start going to the Dementia support group at the hospital.



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The windows are finally open!!!
05/06/2008 06:39 a.m.

It's a silly thing, really. My bedroom windows have been closed all winter, old and swollen shut from the moisture. There are two of them, one facing west and the other facing north. And when they are both open, the most refershing cross breeze awakens. Well, the temperature went above 80 degrees today, causing some of the moisture to evaporate. So, together, Miah and I opened the window with our combined strength, and now.....

Now there is the coolest breeze blowing through our bedroom, and I can REALLY hear the windchimes outside my window, and there is relief brushing aside the cobwebs of the winter. OMG. I LOVE the cool spring breeze.


I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to my windchimes

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My list of favorite songs!
04/30/2008 05:02 p.m.

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