Choosing kindness
06/20/2008 02:02 p.m.

This relationship I'm in is not easy. The reasons are many, and some too personal to write about. I know every relationship has its difficulties, so I'm not facing anything unique in that respect.

He is, by far, the nicest person I've ever ventured into a relationship with. He is more willing to discuss working on things than anyone I've ever met. Even when there is defensiveness, it is eventually dropped so that an objective discussion results. Plus, we have so many intests in common! My kids love him as well as other family members who, in the past, have expressed great concern over my choices. The fact that everyone likes him is pretty amazing.

But from the beginning, I've been plagued by this sense that things will not work out. I'm not sure he will continue to want to be with me as I age, and as I become more attached to him, I know that his leaving would break my heart. I don't know. This just isn't a typical relationship. Maybe that's because my idea of a typical relationship is flawed somehow. But there are no little token expressions of his feelings for me, no cards, no letters, no love notes, no poems....no flowers, no little intimate whisperings about how he couldn't imagine his life without me. Maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that when a man is in love, there are at least one or two of these little markers along the way.

We do talk about the future in terms of the things we can see ourselves doing together. But when it comes to a permanent committment of any kind, what he says is that he knows he "ought to be" asking me to marry him. But for whatever reason, it doesn't happen. It would be different if he'd never said anything about getting married. But since its been brought up, I can't help but think that the absence of his asking is a sure sign he really can't see going there with me. And that makes it nearly impossible for me to dig in and really allow myself to feel a peace about this relationship. It's like I'm just waiting for him to find "the reason" he can't stay here.

And in that waiting, I find myself ultra sensitive to any negativity on his part, becoming angry if he says anything with a negative charge.

*sigh*

It's not how I want to be. Even if every bit of my anger was justified somehow, even if this relationship is destined to fail, I don't want him to remember our time together being peppered with negativity on my part.


I am currently Depressed
I am listening to morning crickets

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If I had a shell
06/17/2008 10:05 p.m.

If I had a shell (other than this huge body of mine) I would crawl inside and wait for the snow again. I love the snow. The heat always sucks the energy right out of me.

Plus I'm feeling unjustifiably yucky - sad and lethargic and depressed. No peace. Sense of loss. No appetite (which I would actually NOT argue with if it meant I could take off some more of this excess weight). The symptoms are easy enough to identify - it's the cause that eludes me.

I just can't seem to relax and go with the flow in my life. It is, of course, an inside job. I just don't know how to address it. If I had insurance, or $$$, I would see someone. I just can't seem to shake it. I could list all the reasons I could think of, and some of them would sound valid. The truth is, I wonder if there is a "real" root at all. I have experienced peace in my life before despite outward circumstances, and so it seems logical to me that to NOT experience peace could have little to do with anything concrete.

*taking a deep breath* I'm going to go nap now. It's one of the least destructive of all the escapes. Maybe I'll dream something relevant.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to my eyes close

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I feel blessed!
06/15/2008 12:29 a.m.


Jeremiah and I had a great day in Portland yesterday. I had a very nice time with my mom, browsing the books at Powell's and lattes.

And I met some of Jeremiah's friends for the first time. I was nervous for nothing. They are such wonderfully warm people, and funny, and intelligent. Vidura's wife, Ati, was just a kick in the pants, doesn't hold anything back, and that includes friendliness! Plus, she is an amazing artist! I was so worried they would scoff at me for loving Miah, but they only scoffed at me for being so worried. LOL! I can't wait until they can come this way and see more of eastern Oregon and spend some time with us.

I'm so silly sometimes. But now I just feel blessed.

Ok, that's enough mush.




I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to the air conditioner

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Tonight we celebrate
06/10/2008 09:58 p.m.

Tonight, the crew and I are going to Spooky's yet again (it's too cold and rainy to go up to the park as we'd originally planned) to celebrate Jeremiah's birthday. We're also going to have the triplet's birthday, too, as two of them are going to California soon for a stretch.

So, pizza and iced tea, then carrot cake and presents.

Life is good.


I am currently Blessed
I am listening to big fat rain drop's plop

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Graduation
06/08/2008 06:12 p.m.


Graduation was very cool - not too long, just the right amount said by the faculty and top students to make it memorable.

I'm soooooooo proud of Kate. She graduated with honors, a GPA above 3.25, and I couldn't be happier for her. She's overcome alot to get that done! She is one deep well, that kid, and once she takes it in, she generally keeps it there.

And Kate's friends. I really am proud of them too. Some of them have had hard lives. Some of them almost gave up a time or two. But they stuck it out, and MADE IT!!!! Hooooooray!!!!

Then we all (well, nearly all) went to Spooky's for Kate's graudation party along with some of Kate's friends. Kate's dad's family came, too, and I'm very proud of us all for getting along so well. I think Kate REALLY enjoyed it. Most of her favorite people in the world were there to celebrate with her. AND the total of her $$$ gifts? 420. Haha!

I do wish I'd known about Tamara's (my oldest son's very pregnant wife) aversion to going to Spooky's because I would have had it someplace else so she could have been there with us. I mean, she drove so far to come (3 1/2 hours), which is a LONG way for someone in her condition to drive just to come her little sister-in-law's graduation. What a sweetheart! Well, live and learn I guess. All I can do going forward is not make that same mistake twice.

The ONLY downside to the whole graduation ceremony was something that happened every time Kate passed in front of the family who's son would have been at graduation if he hadn't been arrested for manslaughter - somehow, their being upset at that young man's situation translated into jeers toward Kate and Mercedes - lewd and nasty jeers simply meant to be cruel to the girls who were friends with the young man that died. I just don't get it, how they feel justified to turn their anger toward young people who are simply grieving the loss of one of their dear friends. I mean, why try to ruin Kate's day? It's not Kate's fault that their boy is in jail for manslaughter instead of graduating with the rest of them. And NONE of those girls have ever even mentioned the accused boy's name in their grief. It was beyond inappropriate.

Infact, the police were thick at graduation because, apparently, there had been threats of shooting related to Berna's death, as if the kids who gave statements to the police about what happened that night were somehow going to be held responsible for stealing away the lives of the young men now in jail for the crimes committed (manslaughter, assault and burglary). As if their boy doesn't deserve to face the consequences of taking a man's life away, even if it was an accident (everyone agrees that it probably wasn't the accused's intention to KILL Berna, just rough him up). I just don't get how the accused's family sees themselves as the victims here. That just spells trouble for everyone.

Anyway, later on, Jeremiah and I were invited to go see Crosby, Stills and Nash at a local winery's Ampha Theatre. It was cold and windy!!!!! But it was awesome. And it was Jeremiah's first concert ever! It was a lovely way to end an overall lovely day. Now if I can just remember that drinking wine never relaxes me but only gives me a headache from the sulfites.....LOL!!!

*happy sigh*


I am currently Content
I am listening to the sound of nobody home

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Heavy eyes
06/05/2008 07:45 a.m.


My eyelids are heavy, the sand-in-the-bottom sort of heavy, but my mind is still trying to absorb today.

The weeping eventually subsided, and I didn't dwell on coincidences or sad memories too much. I didn't go to Berna's memorial, either. I really didn't know him, and I would have been out of place. Ahhhh, but when I took a nap, I did dream of them.

I feel supremely exhausted. I could have used today off, stoned maybe.

Miah and I took the dogs for a walk above a lovely park just across the river, in Washington. We let them both off their leashes to just run the countryside as there wasn't anyone else for them to bother. They seemed in heaven, and they didn't "run away" but let us call them happily back whenever they ventured off too far. It felt nice to offer them such freedom. We all came home spent, a good spent.

Kate's graduation is just around the corner, and I can't believe the school year is nearly over for Steven and Amanda too. I honestly don't know where the time is going. Everyone feels it, the swiftness of these times and the crazy feeling of everything rushing by too fast to even make a proper memory of it.

I lost the ring that Miah bought me in Eugene. I can't find it anywhere. Well, it was an inexpensive ring, and it was my idea anyway, so it's probably just as well.

I'm not looking forward to "seeing" my ex and his family. Even when we're all getting along, there's just too much pretense and forced smiling. Luckily, this is not about me (she says to her ego).

I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to miah snoring.

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Weeping
06/04/2008 06:48 p.m.
I can't seem to quit weeping today, bouts of it blindsiding me. Every sound, every whisper of the wind, every thought that penetrates this strange fog seems to speak of this grieving. It is as if past and present have converged today, a peak of coincidental events. I know it doesn't really work like that. Still, today has a certain sci-fi, spooky feel to it.

I just need to get through it, let it pass over. I feel ill, nauseated and weak, like some vortex is threatening to suck me in. And if I thought it was a possibility, I might just let it. Anything to not feel today.

There are things to look forward to, happy events. Kate will graduate on Saturday. On Tuesday, we'll have Jeremiah's, Amanda's, Steven's and Jennell's birthday party. Jeremiah will be 28. The triplets will be 17. There are things to look forward to, and tomorrow I know I will feel grateful.

As for today....

I am currently Troubled
I am listening to the translation of grief

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Complicated
06/01/2008 09:49 p.m.

Geeeeeze, but relationships are complicated. I mean, I've had my share of experience, but never in one where there wasn't a dead end expressly written into the itinerary. I've never loved someone this way, so challenging, so much work, but so lovely at the same time.

I have to admit, I always imagined that the "best" relationship would feel easy, as if I could breeze along in peace, blissfully unaware that there still might be negativity in the world. Now I'm not so sure. This relationship is stretching my understanding in places I would never have even traveled without it. It is frustrating at times, but then the resolution is so satisfying that I'm glad I struggled through it. I'm gaining insight into my own self. I appreciate his openness and his tolerance and his steadfastness. I appreciate the uncanny wisdom he shines onto my perspective. I appreciate his point of view, even (especially) when it is vastly different from mine.

I keep asking myself, is this the same as the ridiculous relationships I've faced in the past, situations that were untenable no matter how I sliced them, no matter how fiercely I hung onto the love that got me there to begin with? Every time I wonder if it might be (those old wounds close so slowly), I am suprised when the progression of events takes me to a different destination than any past relationship did. Instead of trying to navigate through unresolved anger with the thick tension of verbal/physical violence hanging in the air, we work through things, reasonably, two adults who are committed to seeing tomorrow together. Instead of being too afraid to unleash any lurking beasts in our discomfort, we bravely forge ahead, carefully turning over stones together and really looking at what's beneath them, facing our demons together with a resolve to vanquish what needs to be vanquished and rescue what needs to be rescued. It's amazing how much can be accomplished when love and acceptance are applied to past wounds; when we provide safe places for each other to express old fears and insecurities without judgment or abandonment. It doesn't always start out quite that ideal, but so far we've managed every time to bring it back to that place, forgiving ourselves and one another for filtering our difficulties through past hurts and rejections.

God, it isn't easy. And sometimes, as reflected by my writing, I am overcome by the sense of failure my other relationships have ended in. I let my fears get the best of me, and I'm a chicken little, just KNOWING the sky is falling.

Well. It isn't.

I am currently Amazed
I am listening to the tick tock of time passing

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Action vs. No Action
05/29/2008 04:47 p.m.

I don't know how many people think about this. Maybe I'm strange.

But a long time ago, I had a thought process that went something like this:

Thoughts are not benign. They have energy. The Bible says, "As a man thinketh, so he is" (if I'm not misquoting too terribly). In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna explains, “Thinking about sense-objects will attach you to sense-objects; grow attached, and you become addicted; thwart your addiction, it turns to anger; be angry, and you confuse your mind; confuse your mind, you forget the lesson of experience; forget experience, you lose discrimination; lose discrimination, and you miss life’s only purpose.” –Bhagavad Gita 2:62, 63 So, thoughts create a certain level of energy.

The next level of energy is speaking. I find it particularly significant that in Genesis, God SPOKE this world into existence. He didn't THINK there should be light, he SAID "Let there be light" and so it happened. The book of Proverbs is full of advice about the tongue, for what is spoken can be VERY potent. In Lord Buddha's Noble Eightfold Path, the third step is that Right Speech:

The Third is Right Discourse. Govern the lips
As they were palace-doors, the King within;
Tranquil and fair and courteous be all words
Which from that presence win.
(The Light of Asia)

The last and greatest energy that can be created comes from taking action. This is the ultimate manifestation of thought or speech, and even the least philosophical person in any room would say, "duh."

But because of what happened this last weekend, something new has occured to me. INACTION, in other words, thought or speech that results in taking NO action, can also pack a whallup of consequence. And this is a new train of thought for me, one that I'm going to have to seriously meditate on.





I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to my thoughts

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Please forgive
05/28/2008 06:10 p.m.

First of all, I want to apologize to anyone I haven't gotten back to re: comments or IM messages. I don't mean to come across as rude or ungrateful.

This last weekend has really knocked me for a loop. Emotionally I'm still a wreck. I know that everything is sort of stacking up all at once - the hormones, the trauma, the time of year it is, graduation, and responsibilities in general. I'm just not feeling myself, and I find myself sinking into depression - something I haven't done this intensely for years. And, I know I'm not alone in my state of mind. Everyday I read about another person struggling with it all...

On top of everything personal, I find myself extra-sensitive to the negative state of the world at large, like the fact that the cambodian children's school breakfast program is being stopped because the folks who used to provide the rice for that program at a reasonable price can get three times as much selling that same rice in other markets; gasoline has gone over $4/gallon, making it next to impossible to travel by car (or by any other means relying on petrol). Grocery prices have increased so much, and it's depressing that there aren't any "cheap" ways to eat. Cereal is just about unaffordable, as well as just about everything else besides Ramen Noodles. And the nutritional value in Ramen noodles is nil. *sigh*

The Bhagavad-Gita says that in this age of kaliyuga, the only "way out" is by chanting the holy names. The churches who teach from the Bible say that accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior is the only way. Everyone believes their way is "the" way. And I wonder why there are so many "answers" that seem to produce so few tangible results. Not all the Christians in the world, nor all the Vaishnavas, nor the Muslims, nor the Buddhists, nor the Jews...no one set of prayers from ANY of the major or minor religious sects have improved the condition of the world at large. Obviously, there are some major philisophical and religious flaws in our belief systems, and I don't know what the solution is or even where to begin to look for it.

I used to have peace within myself, but that's been gone, too, for quite some time.

And all that's been said, all that we've experienced in these times....what does it all mean? Who will hear of it? I have little faith that even our thoughts on these subjects will make it through the coming times intact.

Well.


I am currently Bothered
I am listening to too many random thoughts

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