My poetry of late
11/12/2008 12:03 a.m.

I don't seem to be writing very well lately. Ugh. I guess you can't force the forces. *sigh*

On a brighter note, my back is feeling a bit better, although I notice if I stop taking the ibuprofen, it gets all inflamed again and then the pain (which is always there but I'm able to work through it at times) increases again and it hurts to do anything. :-/ It's so sad to me, how I've taken the performance of simple tasks for granted forever, and how many of those use back muscles!!!

Everything else is going alright. Meme is finally *knocking HARD on wood* over the UTI that had her down. Steven is getting straight A's in school and is shining as the lead in the current school play, "Harvey". Amanda has a great attitude about trying out for basketball after not making the team last year. Jessica is coming home in a few days, on leave from the navy for almost a whole month. We're going to have Christmas early so she can celebrate the holiday with us. YAY!

And, I'm starting school next term.....ooooooh, I feel so nervous about being a student again! :-)



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Meme and Atreyu - Dinner at Nanna Banana's
11/05/2008 07:49 a.m.
Meme and Atreyu 11-04-08





My daughters Kate and Amanda, my daughter in law Tamara, Meme and Atreyu!





This is my favorite way to chill with him!



I am currently Content
I am listening to joy

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Well, one good thing about it...
11/04/2008 07:48 p.m.


One good thing about not being able to be so busy around the house is that I got my FAFSA filled out, and it looks like I'm going to start taking classes Winter Term!!! I'm REALLY excited, because I've been putting off the whole school thing until I knew how much care Meme was actually going to require, and I wanted to be 100% available if she needed it. Well, as it turns out, I think I'll actually be available enough to be a full time student AND take care of Meme, especially since it seems like a lot of the classes are just online these days. Miah is going to school, too, taking the Wind Energy Tech courses, and he actually only has to physically attend one class at this point. It seems totally do-able!

Plus, with still having two kids at home, and not having an actual income since I'm taking care of Meme and not working, my situation is ideal for maximum financial aide at this point.

So, there is a silver lining to this whole painful adventure after all! LOL!!

Oh ya, AND.....my daughter in law is in town with my grandson, and so Meme will be able to meet Atreyu today!!! AND I'll get pictures!!! She's a great-GREAT grandma!!!



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Good drugs
11/03/2008 08:30 p.m.

Made a trip to the ER. A little vicodin, some valium, ibuprofen for the break through. I hate western medicine, but I don't have access to a naturopath or eastern medicine, and it's the most relief I've had so far. I'm feeling a bit better, and following dr's orders to not "stay down" through this back pain. Turns out he's right - to be up and moving feels better than not. Less pain, less strain, less tension-related stiffness.

Too much sugar in my urine, though, and a heart murmur with palpitations. When/if my application for the state health insurance coverage is approved, I'm supposed to get an echocardiogram.

A dear friend of mine, the Reiki Master who was teaching classes in Reiki as well as heading up a metaphysical discussion group, dropped dead suddenly of a heart attack. She was only a couple of years older than me. The reality of such tragedies gets closer and closer to home, making me aware that I can no longer avoid the health issues that are staring me down these days.

More exercise, better nutrition, then more exercise, and a good doctor. I need to find one that is not highly motivated to promote the pharmaceutical business.

I've put off taking good care of myself far too long...

I am currently: aware
Listening to: the rhythm of my heart, and the rhythm of everything else around me.



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Back is completely out
11/01/2008 07:17 p.m.

It's gotten worse and worse. I can't bend over for any reason. Who knew that so many little daily tasks involved bending over? It hurts to reach. It hurts to sit. Standing nearly makes me pass out. I am nearly useless. Vicodin doesn't touch it. The 800mg I'm taking of ibuprofen takes just the slightest bit off the edge. The only thing that brings any measurable relief is the heating pad applied almost constantly.

My sister said this is exactly the way she discovered she had blown a disc, ended up in the hospital for a week with a morphine drip. She thinks I've blown a disc, too. I want her to be wrong more than I ever have in my whole life.

Last week, I sent in my application for state health insurance because, through a lottery-type process, I was chosen to apply for a selected number of adult openings that were made available this year. It can take 6-10 weeks for the application to be processed.

Anyone got any cheese to go with this whine?
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to life move about the globe

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Catching up
10/31/2008 06:14 a.m.

Meme's been battling this UTI she's had since the end of August. They now have her on the strongest oral antibiotic she can possibly be on. Her potassium is too high, but not yet dangerously so. She is slightly anemic, but only just slightly. She's still in pain, but the CT done on Tuesday was negative for kidney stones or obstructions of any kind. She has a VERY small stone in her right kidney, but not enough to cause the trace blood in her urinalysis. She seems totally NOT herself, at any rate, and it's no wonder with a UTI that's seen only temporary resolution since August. What happens next, if this course of ABX doesn't take care of it, is either in the hospital for IV antibiotics, or I get to administer them myself in shot form.

In the meantime ("oh no, not the meantime)...my back is out, my head won't stop hurting, my blood sugar is too high, I keep having palpitations (and twice, nearly blacked out - but without chest pain or shortness of breath) a little cough at the end of it, though, after I try to take a deep breath to resolve it. Weird symptoms, probably all stress-related. The good news is that I WAS chosen (applause) in the random Oregon Health Plan lottery, but I probably won't hear back on my application for another month or so. Oh, and my monthly "gift" was two weeks late, only to end up lasting a full three weeks, which brings me right into my next cycle. I'm all-kinda screwed up!

And the LAMEST part of all is that I am aware that this could just be my body's sick and twisted effort to get the attention off of others and onto - ME. Can I just go puke now from how ridiculous I feel???? Either that, or perhaps the "symptoms" I'm experiencing are mere physical manifestations of the stressors I have going on right now, you know, the ones I'm obviously not dealing with effectively right now. PPppffffffffftttttttttt.

The bare truth of it is that I have responsibilities that I HAVE to tend to, and I MUST be well to do it properly. So, I'm just going to have to give myself a little pep talk, pull myself up by the boot-straps and KNOCK-IT-OFF. Geeeeeeze. And I suppose, I'm just going to HAVE to set aside time to get quiet, in myself and by myself. I KNOW when my body hurts, it's usually because I'm not hearing something I need to hear, and THAT happens when I don't get quiet enough to listen. That, and I think it's imperative to remember to be thankful!

So, speaking of getting quiet....




I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to my back

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To feel visible
10/24/2008 05:27 p.m.


I’ve been thinking about it, how
If I wrote about all the little things
That make me uniquely me,
It would cheapen it,
Make it no longer a quest
For buried treasure.

If I wear it on my sleeve,
Announce it to the world
With overly loud proclamations,
Anyone within hearing range
Might turn away with embarrassment
On my behalf.

Out of my fear that I will never
Truly be seen
I often think about these things
But I only repeat them to myself
To make sure it’s down for the record,
So the history of me won’t disappear.

As if anyone in any future generation
Might care
I can’t imagine they would.
I’ve indulged my imagination
That my point of view, my experiences
Even my mistakes
Might be relevant someday,
Or even just interesting,
But I just can’t be sure,
And I don’t want to be boring.

I haven’t decided yet
If it’s truly narcissistic
To want to feel visible.

I am currently Insecure
I am listening to honesty pour over me like an ocean.

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Pics of Atreyu!
10/19/2008 08:56 p.m.
Here they are! He is the brightest, most alert baby at nine days old that I've ever met, including my own kids!!! The day I left to come back home, he actually laughed, out loud!!

Here he is, 9 days old!





Mirroring his other grandmother :-)



Snuggling with him - the BEST!!!





With his wonderful mommy!!



And with Auntie Kate :-)




I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to my mother snore...

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Peace and peace
10/15/2008 08:21 a.m.

I don't know, I feel like I've settled in somehow.

Joe's baby has been born. Kate is off on her own. Jess is coming home in November for a month. Steven is blossoming this year - the main character in the school's fall production of "Harvey", his art and his singing. Amanda has finally adjusted to life back with me after 10 years at her dad's house. Only my relationship Jennell remains unresolved. But, for her sake, I have to leave it be for now.

Meme is doing very well. She turns 89 on the 19th. I am pretty proud of the way she's rallied herself. Just a year ago we thought she was living out the last of her days; thought we were bringing her home to die in her own environment. Well, she's certainly showed us a thing or two about that! And I'm glad that she's not suffering, glad that I am blessed enough to be able to care for her as she did for me in my beginning. Now the circle is coming back around - me caring for her during these last years of her journey.

And last, but not at all least, life with Miah has evened out. Infact, I am living something I only once dared to dream. It would have done no good to admit how in love with him I was all those years ago, when a life with him seemed (and was) impossible. I thought I would burst from those wonderful moments we shared then. Never in a million years would I have thought it truly possible for us to share a future with one another. Back then I thought, "This was a lovely time, and I will cherish it always, and that's all." A morsel to carry me through the lean times ahead. But every once in a blue moon, I would allow myself the luxury of wondering what he might be doing, what kind of man he was becoming, imagining what he might be passionate about and how that would play out for him. And how it is, though not exactly as I imagined, is as magical as ever. After consulting a vedic astrologer, we're looking at February 2010 as the month for the wedding.

But back to the present, cuz, "Now Is All There Is"...hehe. On Friday morning, I'm driving once more to Warrenton, to meet Atreyu ("Trey") and hang out overnight there. (There will be pictures!!!) And then I'll be bringing Kate back home for a brief visit before her nanny duties kick in full-on. And then Sunday, all my grandmother's children will be here to celebrate her 89th birthday - a family re-union of sorts. My aunt from Arizona, my mom from Portland, my aunt from here, and my uncle from Salem. A house-full. It will be a happy, happy time!

So, on that note, I'm off to dreamland.



I am currently Content
I am listening to the cool autumn breeze

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Atreyu is here!!!
10/08/2008 10:36 p.m.

Born right around 3pm, 7lbs 2oz!!!

I could hear him crying in the background, and he sounds just like Joe did when he was a baby!!!


I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to my grandson's first echoes!!

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