Losing a Sun/Inscribe Your Love
11/15/2013 10:34 p.m.

I'm not sure who'd doing it, or what the message is supposed to be, but I'm paying attention.

I am currently: perplexed
Listening to: solar flares

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THIS Winter
11/03/2013 12:03 a.m.
I wonder how I knew last year that we weren't going to make it?

But then, we got through it and I thought we were in the clear..

What I didn't see coming was the return of the only girl he'd ever proposed to, five years after their split.

Seems I made waaaaaaaaaay too many allowances all along. But when we were together, we got along famously. We never argued, even through the most difficult disagreements. We held very similar spiritual points of view.He was always kind to me when we were face to face. He was extremely intelligent and funny. Where we differed, I suppose, was in our beliefs about how to honor our devotion to one another.

As grievous as this is, I do believe that Fate and Destiny are members of this current state of separation. That said, however, as each day passes, achieving longevity seems less and less likely.

So for now, I am in Arizona at my oldest son's home....one more move, one more house to add to that ridiculously long list. However, I can think of no nobler way to spend my energy than being with my only grandchildren (my son has three boys, ages 5, 20 months and 3 months old) and helping my son and dtr in law where I can.

They live in a city that is at an elevation of 3500 feet, so it's actually near freezing at night. How will I do in the summer heat? Oy, I just don't know.

I can feel the healing begin...

I am currently: in Kingman, AZ
Listening to: my two youngest grandsons gibberish



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Oregon
04/11/2013 03:28 p.m.
I do believe I'm homesick.

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Charlie
04/09/2013 07:36 p.m.
It just seems too abrasive to write anything but about Charlie right now.

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My Grandmother
12/26/2012 06:46 p.m.

Well, it's actively happening, her dying. And I'm not there. And I sooooo want to be there. I can't imagine our planet without her.

I am currently: in Pennsylvania when I should be in Oregon
Listening to: the clouds weeping snowflakes

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this winter
12/06/2012 03:52 p.m.


In the practicality that is my brain,
I begin to disentangle myself
From the life we nearly built –

This will go,
This will stay,
This I want
But cannot have
And so, to bid my adieus.

The supple, spongy places in my heart
Begin the long and painstaking task
Of digging the grave –
For Death is our stalker,
Its cold and steely breath
Rasping into the everyday of it.

By now, I know its rattle well -
The way lungs strain for air
That will not come in.

We’ve agreed to weather
The holidays together –
Neither of us eager
To spend another New Year’s Eve
In the grips of solo journeys.

I listen for your indecision,
How it echoes my own,
And I wonder how it is
We came
To be.

I am currently: chill
Listening to: my heart

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Winter~!~~
11/13/2012 01:36 p.m.
What a beautiful walk this morning, light snow falling and the air biting my cheeks.

*happy happy sigh*

I am currently: working at a job I love
Listening to: Native American Flute

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Just one...
10/23/2012 11:21 a.m.

Is there an honest man among men? Perhaps I'm just getting too old for this. Or maybe it's just always been too much to ask.

I am currently: beyond disillusioned
Listening to: the future.

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"Adventure" vs. Longevity
09/14/2012 05:43 p.m.


I'm not where I thought I would be in life, and I'm missing some of the foundations I meant to build for myself. I think it's about longevity....jobs, relationships, the community where a person establishes a presence. Other than relationships with most of my core, blood related family, I have not had success with longevity, and I think, as a result, this is what I'm feeling today.

Just for the record, it was always my intention...

So, you younger generations, make a note of it (if it seems helpful and relevant) and don't take longevity for granted. Remember that, in order for longevity to mean something, you have to stick with it. I'm not saying to beat your head against the wall of something that is clearly a miserable experience. But sometimes, a "for better or worse" type of commitment (that applies to more than marriage) means that it's not all going to be easy-breezy.

I do know that I've not been "abandoned" by the Universe for this state of being...I believe that God and my "angels" still love me just as much as ever, and that my life continues to be divinely guided and full of the lessons I agreed to learn while living this life.

Clearly, longevity is something valued by this society. We showcase it on our resumes when we apply for jobs. We hold bigger and bigger celebrations for our "anniversaries" - years with a company, wedding anniversaries, birthdays. Apparently, I didn't see longevity as anything particularly special in this life, given the places I've been and the relationships I've experienced. I'm wondering now about the trade: adventure vs. longevity. I've "let go" so many times that I wonder now if it wasn't all running away. I've joked about being a vagabond in the past, not realizing the flip-side of that coin speaks to my ability to stick with....well....anything.

I do know that my life has value....to me anyway.

But in the end, I'm wondering if longevity and I still have a chance at being affiliated.

P.S. Pathetic is currently the closest experience I have with longevity - nearly 9 years here.


I am currently: pondering the idea that omission is still a form of lying
Listening to: my kitten's purr



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50
08/25/2012 01:12 a.m.

Holy shit, I'm going to be 50 in a month.

50.

50.

It doesn't feel possible.

I am currently: trying to figure out where I belong
Listening to: my vagabond trail

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