Too close to home
12/24/2008 07:28 a.m.

My ex-husband's nephew killed himself this last week.

We don't know exactly why. He had recently moved to Iowa with his fiance', and they were supposed to get married sometime close to Christmas.

He was my ex-sister-in-law's only child. And they had one hell of a rough ride during his childhood. But after all the difficulties, it seemed as if things had evened out for him, that he'd gotten on his feet emotionally and was off to try to live life on his own, make a family of his own...

He was just a year or so older than my oldest son.

He will be missed sorely by those who loved him so dearly.

Rest in peace, Christopher.

I am currently Sad
I am listening to time continuing to pass

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That dance
12/21/2008 10:07 p.m.

I'm doing that dance. You know, the one a parent does after a chick has ventured out on their own. How much attachment is too much? How much will be functional? How much is too little, and in that way, not functional either? Your child is not a friend, a significant other, a co-worker, nor any other type of acquaintence. And yet, they are not your child in the way they once were, either.

And what if you LIKE your child, I mean, truly like who they are...even wanting to be friends with them, but understanding that it won't be a friendship in the sense of having a connection to someone your own age?

It's a letting go, without letting go too much. It's a connection that is like no other. You KNOW your child, you know SO many of the experiences they've had, even when they think you don't know. There IS that connection still, but...it's private to them now. You're not entitled to experience it the way you once were. And in the past, it wasn't just entitlement, it was a responsibility - that is no longer yours and yet you still feel it.

I guess I always knew that I couldn't prepare for this exactly. And now that I'm here, I miss them so much. I love them beyond words and emotion. I understand, now, where I stop and they begin. It isn't a fluid line like it once was. There is a gap now, some ravine they've crossed over and I don't understand how they made the leap without leaving a bridge behind.

It's still snowing.

I started Promethium last night (progesterone) to help with the excessive flow. I have a headache. I felt drunk not long after I took it, but I just went to sleep. I got a little crampy, but not bad. My breasts are not tender, but that is one of the common side effects. I don't feel any less stable than normal emotionally (another possible side effect) .... lol....but I don't suppose I would notice that very much since I've been sort of on an emotional roller coaster these last several months anyway.

Things with Miah are interesting. He is not embracing much in the way of addressing his issues, and that makes me think this relationship cannot last indefinitely. I have been feeling neglected, ignored even, at times, and I know myself well enough to know that I won't go on forever in this state. I mean, our relationship is so far down the list of things that require his energy....but when he isn't even addressing the things at the top of the list, I have little hope that he'll even get to "us", and then that leaves me with some decisions to make. I was hoping it would go a different way. I mean, at this point I'm still holding a space for "us", it's just shrinking. But, with not being able to get to counseling because the highway we have to take is closed due to severe weather, I can't very well make any decisions until we've gone some more to see if we can't salvage this.

I feel so disconnected from it all. I'm used to dealing with my emotions straight away, and getting on with things. His pace is very different, and so I end up backburnering my own emotions. And even when we are able to communicate about "us", we seem unable to truly go forward. Sure, plans are made, but they are seldom carried out. I have known for some time now that his way is to "ride it out", and his tendency is to take no action at all. I can't take the necessary actions alone, and, of course, I won't.

I really have given this relationship all I have in terms of attention and commitment and energy. I feel so worn out, more so than in any other relationship I've ever been in. I have probably been the most emotionally attached to the outcome of this relationship, definitely more than any other. The sad thing is, I feel the time coming when my available energy will be redirected, to people and experiences that offer more satisfaction....my schooling, taking care of my grandmother, being with my youngest children during their last year of high school, writing, hanging out with my grandson. And, while I've shared this with Miah, I understand that he cannot allow my feelings to be his sole motivation. And I've come to understand that he is the only one who can discover what moves him.

I am currently: reflective
Listening to: Firdik Karsson "Day Dreaming"

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Results from Dr.
12/19/2008 06:28 p.m.

Well, the only problem "inside" seems to be cysts. Have an appt. today to discuss battle plan for the excessive flow. Ugh.

Been keeping a food diary as requested, which, of course, has caused me to be ultra aware of what I'm putting into my mouth. Even so, yesterday, I ate 500 more calories than I might have been "allowed", 45 more carbs (that's about a meal's worth) and my sodium intake is through the roof!!!! Waaaaaay to many from processed foods. I'm a bit encouraged that I wasn't MORE off the mark than that, even though I was eating less since I knew I had to record it. In other words, when I pay attention, I'm closer to the "mark" than I thought I was, but I still need to make some adjustments. My fasting BS was still 316 this morning. I have a separate appt. with the diabetic nutritionist on Tuesday.

And exercise is going to be the key, I think.

It's snowing hard this morning. We probably have accumulation of about 12 inches, and it's expected to continue to snow all this coming week. I love it!

In other news (:-), my son, Steven, has been selected to apply for a 4 yr scholarship to the school of his choice. It's an outside chance, but we're still pretty excited about it. Steven is SO talented with his arts - painting, especially, but singing and acting and writing as well. I'm VERY proud of his achievements!

Also, my daughter, Jennell, will have her associates this year when she graduates from high school! That's quite an accomplishment, and cuts two years off her college time toward her bachelor's degree. She is pretty amazing!!!

Good news all around. It's lovely!


I am currently Proud
I am listening to the snow fall

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Went to the dr...(warning, girl stuff)
12/17/2008 05:08 p.m.

She didn't like my blood sugar. She didn't like the fact that I've been bleeding for a month now. Even more, she didn't like her discoveries during the internal exam.

She warned me that I will likely need to begin taking insulin for the elevated blood sugar, that decision to be made after a meeting with the diabetic nutritionist in town. My A1C is 8.2 (normal is <6) and my fasting BS was 245. It's my own fault. I could have been exercising more, and I could have been monitoring the sugar I was eating. This is probably my bad even though it IS on both sides of my parents' genetics.

And today, (scheduled "asap" after my appt. yesterday) an ultrasound to "rule out" tumor(s). I remember too well when I worked as a medical assistant - followups made so quickly and outside of normal office hours did not usually have happy outcomes. I am curious why I don't feel freaked out. Instead, I feel disconnected, but I'll take it for the moment as a blessing from the universe at large.


I am currently Quiet
I am listening to the kids getting ready for the 2hr delay

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My new computer!!!
12/17/2008 12:58 a.m.

YAY!! My new computer is here, set up, and we FINALLY got the wireless connection to work, after trying to install a wireless card internally, taking it back, and getting a USB one. WHEW!!! Lots of moments of frustration later, here I am, and it's WONDERFUL to not have to wait and wait and wait for pages to load etc.

640GB hard drive, 4GB memory.....I should be good to for a few years now...LOL.

Of course, the entire fam damily is waiting to check it out, so I'd better get movin'. Hehe.


I am currently Excited
I am listening to the quiet of a new computer!

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FREEZING!
12/16/2008 10:11 a.m.

Man, it's so cold I can't sleep! 15 degrees. I know that's not very cold to some folks, but BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr to me!!!!

That's all. Gonna try to go back to bed.


I am currently Wild
I am listening to the heater

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Mmmmmmmmm, coffee!!!!
12/13/2008 09:40 p.m.

A "YAY" moment for sure....I'm getting a new computer with the overage from the grant money this term. It's a very good thing! The computer I'm currently using is nearly 10 years old - beefy in its day - 30GB hard drive, 256MB of memory. Laughable by today's standards, I know. Cuz now, the hard drive is 98% full (not even enough room to do a defrag) and the computer can't keep up with how fast the cable internet service wants to dump things into the comptuer. Even the anti-virus bogs down. Hehe. So, a new computer. 640GB hard drive, 8GB 2.4mhz processor, 4GB of DDR memory, a DVD writable drive, a flat panel monitor....good stuff and my time on the internet won't be half-spent waiting.

(Warning - this next bit touches female physiology issues.....)

AND, my health insurance is finally approved. I have a dr's appt on the 16th. It will definitely be good to have the medical advice of the practitioner I chose. My most recent female cycle has lasted more than 3 weeks so far (and is still going)!!!I ended up in the ER this last week thanks to the advice of a medical assistant who didn't want me to go the weekend without finding out if my hemoglobin and hematocrit were ok. They were both just on the brink of below normal/barely above normal, but not in the dangerously low category. So I'm supposed to take a little extra iron to get me through this rough patch, but other than that, the lab results were ok. Beyond that, I might ultimately be looking at female surgery to address the excessive cycles of late. I would see that as a good thing, really, since I wouldn't have to worry about cycles anymore, but surgery....ehhhh. I'm not fond of going under for any reason, being the control freak/hospital hater/conspiracy theorist I am. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll see.

Not that I really expect anyone to be THIS interested in my health. But this has become the place where I seem to be doing most of my journaling of late, so there it is.

I am currently: cold
Listening to: the weather worsen


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Disengagement
12/11/2008 09:25 p.m.


I find myself in great need of the ability to disengage, to be non-invested, but to do it with kindness. It's easy enough to simply say, "You know, I don't really care what you do or where you are or who you're with." But not so easy when it creates an unnecessarily ugly place inside myself.

*sigh* so much work. I feel so worn out by it all. Thus, the desire to just be able to let it go, but not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Or something.


I am currently Melancholy
I am listening to the new age music station from the tv in the living room

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Therapy
12/08/2008 04:22 p.m.

Not very easy, to lay out the ugly of our situation and not hold anything back. Lots of tears. Lots of listening on our part.

He is a therapist who came highly recommended to us, very well liked by our peers, decades of sobriety and wisdom to offer.

He was (suprisingly, to me) very accepting of our age difference. He not only thought the relationship still had alot to offer us both, he thought it would be MORE reasonable to work on our issues while living in the same household than not. So, with some mutual enthusiasm about going forward together, and at least for the time being, we are operating from under the same roof again.

Of course, lots of immediate suggestions about how to go about our healing with a little more focus than we had been employing, but we're both willing to give it a go at this point.

I feel very relieved that a professional is overseeing our progress, and very comfortable with the suggestions given. And my gut feelings were validated, which is always pretty reassuring.

Gonna rest a bit now.


I am currently Safe
I am listening to relief

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The phone
12/07/2008 06:39 p.m.

I call him, or he calls me. There is the awkward greeting, "Hey" or "It's me", the equally awkard response, "Hey"......followed by a period of....nothing.

Inside I ask myself the rhetorical, "How did it come to this?"

I'm curious what will happen when he shows up today so we can work on the stuff we want to bring to counseling - will he knock on the door like an outsider, or will he still feel like he's coming home?

I am currently Unsure
I am listening to my music

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