Call from CA
01/31/2009 09:03 p.m.

He called to tell me he plans to keep his flight on Wednesday. I noted that he did not say, "I'm coming home," just an observation. He hasn't made any final decisions, doesn't want to make them from California where we have to do it over the phone. He's missed me. He loves me more than ever, more than he's ever loved anyone. He still does. But if this is just going to end anyway, he thinks it would be wiser to end it now than wade through any more suffering. He's frustrated that our time together has been so fraught with difficulties. He's concerned with the age difference, and how it's been showing up more.

I couldn't agree more.

We're opposites, and my way frustrates him, and his way frustrates me. He survives by rolling with the punches. I survive by taking action, just to keep things moving forward, even if it's not right action. When he gets stuck, he just sits down and observes the scenery. When I get stuck, I push. I take control. Neither way seems entirely effective in my opinion, but each is our own way of dealing, and does seem to have a particular merit too . And I'd personally love to see us learn from each other's way of dealing. But I think he may have found the ceiling of being tolerant with me. I don't blame him. I don't blame me, either.

He said if we broke up, he knew it would shatter my heart and his too. He said he knew I didn't want for this information to influence him, but he couldn't help it, it does influence him. He can't stand the thought of leaving me shattered. I said these in response:

1) He can't stay with me out of pity!!! If he feels that leaving me is what he needs to do, I feel he HAS to honor that, because staying out of pity would just cause both of us waaaaaay too much suffering in the long run.

2) If him leaving me causes my heart to shatter, how does he know that a shattered heart isn't just what I'm supposed to experience? And who does he think he is, potentially robbing me of some great epiphany that God may have designed through this experience? If I go on alone forever, or if I go fuck 100 different men (ok, that's not happening, but)...my point is, whatever I do after he lets go of me is none of his business - at that point, it's strictly between me-n-God.

3) I'm going to be ok, no matter what he decides to do. If he leaves me, I'll grieve, and then I'll get on with my life however I do. I'm a big girl, and I'll get through this.

I am looking forward to Wednesday picking him up at the airport in Portland. We've decided to take the day to ourselves, not rush back to The Dalles, spend the night and just be together, talk things through some more if we can to try to get closer to deciding what to do. I prefer to have things settled. I do not like loose ends. But this is a good stretch for me, to not just "get this done" one way or the other. It's good for me to linger in the decision making of this, to not make a snap decision just to have it settled.

And so our journey continues...

I am currently Better
I am listening to my symphony of wind chimes - really gorgeous today!

Comments (1)

Tough week so far..
01/29/2009 08:58 p.m.

I still have four more nights to get through before I know what he's decided. Getting to bed has been the hardest thing - we've shared so much intimacy there, our most tender moments of depth and sharing have happened there. I find myself reluctant to face those (beautiful) ghosts, to be reminded so acutely of his absence.

I am dealing with my deepest fears: rejection and abandonment (even though he didn't leave suddenly or without explanation) - these certainly seem to be repetitious experiences in my life - That feeling of being cast aside in favor of more relevant people or issues or even desires. I am certainly learning to recognize rejection's gritty voice. Ahhhhh, the key - to not allow myself to be destroyed in the process.

It has taken every ounce of my self-control to NOT call him myself, to honor that week he's taken for himself to clear his head and think this through. BUT, I've managed to do it. And whenever I find myself dwelling on the negative, or becoming bogged down by my fears, I repeat some well-thought-out positive affirmations. I can do this. Everything is as it should be. This is all for the highest good of everyone involved, and one day, I'll know why I had to wait.

The tears, at least, do not fall as readily, and that is a blessing. My stomach is still a mess and I'm not eating (I've got a MORE than generous reserve to draw on, so that doesn't worry me too much at this point...LOL). But overall I feel myself feeling less and less anxious. Time will reveal it all, and this, too, shall pass.


I am currently Quiet
I am listening to the mute button and all the wisdom there

Comments (0)

Been using the I Ching
01/28/2009 08:29 a.m.

I’m going to get more rest, care for myself physically, and gather my strength rather than resting in this place of grief. I’m going to figure out how to spend some time alone this week, maybe go up to the park and sit, or take the dogs to the park over in WA. One of the loud and clear messages I’m getting here is that all is as it should be (even though I’ve known this for some time) and the outcome here, even if it is that Jeremiah decides to move on from our relationship, is going to be good for me, and MUST happen in order for things to work out right. I simply must wait, be patient, NOT take action, no matter how tempted I am to communicate with him.

It is at this moment my wind chimes start to sing….

I am currently Calm
I am listening to the melodies and harmonies of my newest wind chime

Comments (0)

Long distance discussion
01/27/2009 08:55 a.m.

We've been trying to figure out whether or not we can go on. All along, he has stated without fail that he loves me and doesn't want to leave. But tonight, he finally admitted that what we've been doing isn't working for him. At every turn, our efforts to make things smoother seem only to produce more questions about the future, more conflict, more difficulties, more confusion. Instead of things getting ironed out, we seem only to produce more wrinkles, the garment of "us" getting more and more disheveled the further we go.

For my part, all along I have felt the uneasy tug of....something....I can't quite put my finger on. Sure, there are the obvious challenges, some down-right character defects that clash, our age difference and my concerns about the future based on that. But even underneath that, there has been this uneasy feeling that started out the size of a hairline fracture and seems, now, to be the size of something much more pervasive.

I can't stop crying. It doesn't seem like, if breaking up was the right thing to do, that it would cause this much desolation. But we've tried just continuing, and that doesn't seem to produce much in the way of feeling healthy, either.

So we're taking a week to think things over, and we'll have a discussion next Monday about what we want to do next.

Contemplating a future without him, without the comfort of the plans we made together(albeit idyllic), is almost too much to bear. Most of it has to do with going forward without Jeremiah, but part of it is just that it's one more loss, one more time my heart held onto the promise of something that will probably never be, and how attached I was to the idea that I had found my mate at last.



I am currently Reflective
I am listening to wind whip through the empty passages of a future without Miah

Comments (2)

My first poetry reading!
01/23/2009 06:44 a.m.

OK, so the professor totally veered from his lesson plan today, and we didn't get to bringing up Pathetic. But, we did read our latest assignments - a list poem and an epistolary poem (a poem in the form of a letter to someone). It's the first time I've ever read anything to a group of people.

Can I just say, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD to do!!!

Anyway, he said we'd get to it next week.



Comments (0)

Pathetic.org will be the highlight....
01/22/2009 10:13 a.m.

My poetry professor (Tim Schell, co-author of a book on writing poetry called, "Mooring Against the Tide") asked me where I put my poetry online. When I told him, and gave him the briefest little history of how Pathetic.org came to be, he said to remind him at the beginning of the next class - he wants to pull the site up and do a little virtual tour for the class. That will be Thursday at 4pm.

NICE!!!

I'll let you all know what the class' response is :-)

(Put on your portrait clothes and say cheese, everyone!!! LOL!!!!)




I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to the ringing in my ears. Gah.

Comments (2)

Update on the old home front
01/16/2009 08:50 a.m.

School is going very well. I'm SO enjoying being out and about and the stimulation of this old brain of mine!!! So far, 100% all around. *grinning*

I've gotten my health insurance, too, and have seen the Dr. for the diabetes. When I first saw her, my blood sugar was 336 fasting. Well, the Dr. was pretty sure I was going to have to go on insulin, but I KNEW I could turn it around if I paid more attention to diet and exercise. My next appt regarding the diabetes was a month away. So, I buckled down - cut out the sugar, increased the fiber, and I've been exercising as much as I can with this goofy month long chest cold (every year!!!). So far, I've lost 10 lbs, and brought my blood sugar down to 191. Not great, but it's getting there. And with the help of the metformin, I know it'll get better so I don't have to do the insulin at this point. But I have to say, WOW - eating the right amount of fiber in a day is DIFFICULT!!!! Just give me some cardboard....hehe.

AND, all the female problems are being handled. All the tests came out perfectly normal, so it's just hormones. WHEW!!!!

Miah is in California at the moment. We've continued the counseling, and the final outcome of our relationship is still up in the air. But for employment - there just are NO jobs up here, and his old boss said he could come down and help close the Calendar Club stores like he used to....so, for the moment, we're separated but still a couple. What a roller coaster. I guess I don't know of many relationships that aren't. The thing is, the bottom line we always get to is that we love one another, despite the difficulties. We still don't know if we can survive them all, but time will tell.

My poetry class is especially interesting. I'm learning, officially (hehehe), about meter and stressed and unstressed syllables, about Villanelles and other frames for a poem, about internal rhyme, masculine and feminine rhyme, alliteration, assonance, etc. I've learned that, instinctively, we all employ alot of that to some degree or another. I'm also learning that I just go with what comes out, very few revisions, and that probably, my work sucks!!! LOL!!! Oh well, I'm learning, and that's the important thing.

I'm not putting very much in here at this point. I'm just too busy writing for homework!!! I'm also in WR121, which involves a lot of essay writing. Creatively, I'm pooped!!! But if I come up with something noteworthy in class, I'll for sure post it at some point. I have decided I'm going to write a very candid poem about the sexual abuse I suffered in my legal father's care, but it's going to be a careful undertaking. It has to be said just right. It has to have just the right emphasis on everything. I feel like it's going to be a major work for me, maybe even a key work. My poetry class has inspired me to do it as we've been listening to some other poets who've been brave enough to take on their childhoods.

Ok. Time to take my antibiotic, a dose of my codeine cough syrup and off to bed. Alone. Ugh. LOL


I am currently Boisterous
I am listening to my dogs chew their rawhide

Comments (3)

First day of class
01/05/2009 08:30 p.m.


Today is the first day of class! I'm so excited I can hardly speak. Plus, I have the opportunity to work today, which is cool!

YAY.

That is all. Hehe.


I am currently Feisty
I am listening to the dishwasher wash

Comments (1)

Going back
12/31/2008 06:43 a.m.

Going back to school. Wow. I can't believe I'm finally doing it, actually doing it. The last time I was all prepared, I simultaneously got a raise and reunited with my husband (at the time), and decided my plate was full enough. That was just about 5 years ago. I could have been done by now! LOL.

I'm starting off with a declared major of business management, although I'm not entirely certain that's where I'll end up. I can only go two years to the community college here, and then I'd either have to finish with a distance learning program or move to where a university is. I'm just not sure what direction my life will headed in by then. But for the next year at least, I've got myself a busy schedule.

And the timing couldn't be more perfect. Taking care of Meme is spread out enough during the day that I can't find a job to compliment her needs, but not so much time that I have my hours all filled up. Plus, since I'm providing her care for very little actual money, my income is small enough that I qualify for maximum grant money - enough to pay most if not all of the costs of going to school. It couldn't be more ideal right now.

To start with, I'm taking Math 60 and Writing 121 and Writing 242 - creative writing. That's actually going to be pretty interesting since I've already written so much. I've never felt the desire to be critiqued since I only write for myself anyway, but it will be good. I've long had the dream of writing for more than fun. This is where the rubber will begin to meet the road, I guess. Ooooh, I'm so nervous about that class!! But I've already decided to remain open and prepare myself for some very helpful criticism. The instructor for that class actually co-authored the textbook for that class, and my understanding is that this text is used for creative writing classes in many, many colleges. The title is "Mooring Against the Tide - Writing Fiction and Poetry" by Jeff Knorr and Tim Schell.

Anyway, in the meantime (little voices exclaim in the background, "oh nooooo, not the 'mean'time!!!") please forgive me if I get a little scarce around here. I may not, but just in case I do, it's for a good cause....hehe.


I am currently Excited

Comments (0)

The Common Cold
12/30/2008 07:18 p.m.

Fevers. Chills. Stuffed up, oh boy! Coughing. OMG coughing. Poor Miah had a fever of 103 last night. Mine topped out at 102.

I'm finally feeling a bit better this morning, at least in terms of being able to breathe through my nose and the cough is more loose and productive than it had been.

I can't believe how many times I've been ill this last year. I just hope Meme doesn't get this cold. It's a dooooozey. But I've been obsessive about hand washing and not coughing in her area AT ALL.

Gotta get better! At least this year it's not accented by the double ear infection. I AM grateful for that!!!

I am listening to the snarffles

Comments (1)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries