What if we quit paying for food "by the pound", and instead, paid for food "by the calorie"? That makes sense to me, pay for it according to the energy units available. You get what you pay for, right? THEN how much weight would I lose???? *laughing*
No, really. It's a great idea!!!
I am currently: counting and burning calories, but not by having sex
Listening to: An ER re-run
I'm employing a new, radical way of expressing gratitude. I'm thanking my fat cells for all their hard work, all their preparation for hard times, their protection of my vital organs, and how they've stuck around (laughing). But every day, I release more and more of them from their long tour of duty, free them to go and attach themselves elsewhere in the universe. I giggle at their reluctance to let go, but gently shoo them on their way. Some of them skip off, happy to be free. Some of them look confused as they leave, and some of them, maybe, even a little disappointed. But I just reassure them - I'm going to be just fine without them.
Dare I love my freedom this much? Ahhhhh, it's a good thing...
I am currently: losing weight
Listening to: the decline of my blood sugars!
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The Awakening of the Cosmic Heart (The Core Rainbow) 03/19/2009 03:56 a.m.
I am currently: waking up
Listening to: this beautiful music
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It's a matter of showing up 03/17/2009 06:27 a.m.
Being present, in this moment. Not pinning too much on the next, not ruminating too much about the previous. It's time to exercise, eat right, go to bed at a decent hour, rest, care for Meme, care for Steven and Amanda (and Jennell when she'll allow it), chant, pray, listen, study, and whatever else the day calls for. Pay the bills on time. Do what needs to be done, and the universe will send what I need to me.
It is simple. It's time to just BE in every moment, and not long to be somewhere different. Magic has always been a diversion for me. But I am here, and physical, for a reason and for a season. I will return to the ethereal when I no longer need this tacit experience.
For now, I am surrounded, grounded by things of matter, form, solidity. If I was supposed to be formless, that would be different. I've spent my life trying to return to that state, longing for that "other" world where there was no suffering. And have I managed to return? *laughing* NO! I remain as solid as ever. Maybe these extra pounds have kept me grounded all this time. Well, I think I'm going to be just fine without them from now on! I release these extra pounds from their responsibilities, free to dissipate and attach themselves to the next form that requires their assistance. As for me, I don't need to float away anymore. I'm here for the duration, and I release whatever I no longer need in love.
Ok, earth to Alison. Didn't mean to go all esoteric. But it's good, it really is.
I am currently: breathing
Listening to: whatever makes my eardrums tingle
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A tarot reading, a counseling session 03/16/2009 04:16 p.m.
It was a great day! I went in early to go to the bookstore, and there was a tarot reader there. I indulged! And it was awesome! I guess the most awesome thing is just the recognition that my gut isn't wrong, and that there is still divinity to be experienced in this silly, small life of mine. I did get a tape of the session, so now all I have to do is dig up a tape player...LOL!
And then my counseling session. I'm really liking this counselor. And, just to bless the blessing, every week after I've left his office, a rainbow (last week and the week before, a DOUBLE rainbow). It feels pretty auspicious, to head back home with a rainbow in front of me. It's like the universe saying, "Here is the promise, the hope for tomorrow, and the sign that you're headed in the right direction."
Then, as I was headed back into town, my aunt called and our little dream group got together. The power of three, our little dream group! It was just the perfect way to end a perfect day. I was able to share the tarot reading and the counseling session, and what the tarot reader had said just confirmed what Christa had been reading in a book earlier in the day, and then we swapped dreams and interpretations. Good, good stuff!!
I am currently: getting ready to study for my math final
Listening to: my heart beat steady and slow
Tonight I'm tired. Crying. Disgusted that I'm crying.
He was so irresponsible. Proclamations my aching ass.
And my music plays, sounding the Om of the purest note I've ever heard. It makes my entire self vibrate. So many years ago, I remembered, somehow, that divinity was all about vibration, that all is vibration.
Tonight I feel weak in my sadness, grieving for a situation that was probably doomed from the start. How I allowed myself to become so engrossed, I really don't know. All the while my intellect was frantically pointing out the warnings. My heart was breaking long before he left. My intuition was screaming at me to stop. But we had known magic together, once, long ago. There was some part of me that wanted to believe there could still be magic.
I am broken.
The Om sounds. I become a thread on that note, thin and long and infinite, and unbroken.
I am currently: someplace else.
Listening to: the vibrations of the single Om.
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Getting some new sensations, trying to move on from the old 03/06/2009 04:51 a.m.
Of course I'm wandering around in my emotions aimlessly this week, feeling optimistic one minute, and bereft the next. I miss him more than words. Part of me knew it had to end, but part of me still looks for his car in our driveway and longs for his warmth at night. It is a death, only with the torturous hope that something might be rekindled someday.
I still can't believe it's real. Tears are right there, just waiting to be released. But I don't want to indulge myself. I don't feel it's productive to give in to this grief every time it wants to poke through. I need to function. If I gave in to the grief, I'd just stay in bed with a box of kleenex. Who has that luxury?
My intellect knows that we finally went down a dead end road. I just had such high hopes after we had wandered around and found so many more paths to take together. I counted on our future. He promised me he'd be there. He asked me to be there with him, and I said yes. But when it was time for the rubber to hit the road, suddenly there was not enough substance to keep us moving forward. I find myself entirely discouraged and fighting a deep, dark depression.
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Space and time, matter 03/04/2009 10:41 p.m.
I can't stop thinking about space, and the implications of space. I don't know much about physics or metaphysics or the like. But I know that, no matter how powerful the magnification, when we look at matter at the deepest level, there is still more space than matter.
And I think to myself - about veins, and blood, and cells, and blood sugar, and how when too much matter is inside a vein, it creates an undesirable pressure. I.E, the blood pressure reading is too high. So, certain "vessels" are capable of containing matter. Our bodies, for instance, house the makeup of our physical selves - blood and bones and muscles and tissue and fluid. But, somehow, we are still more space than matter.
So, when the space inside me merges with the space outside of me, what does this mean? Does it mean anything? I suspect it means something, and if we could figure it out, we'd all be able to time travel or something. Space is the key here.
I have no idea where this is coming from. Maybe it's one of those universal infusions of thought, and I'm just not smart enough to figure it out. Hehe.
But I SWEAR my thoughts are on to something here!
Ok, time to stop eating mushies...LOL!!!
I am currently: CURIOUS
Listening to: the implosion in my brain
