i can't.
12/09/2003 08:48 p.m.
i wish i could write some
dead-on
perfectly-phrased
poem that could move
everyone
to the edge of their seats and leave them
pounding for more,
but tonight,
i can't.
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to silence

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guilty of the most glamorous of crimes.
12/06/2003 05:28 a.m.
i'm sure she was born
the masterpiece that she is today
and whether she's witty,
or generous, or brilliant
i'd rather cradle her hips in the palms of my hands
than listen to her talk.
and it's not that she doesn't have a beautiful voice
or beautiful things to say,
but one can grow impatient
waiting for a gorgeous girl to wake up

every curve seems
proportioned precisely
beneath the swells of her breasts;
and every limb seems to come together
around hips that frame what could make me into a
culpable being.

but i leave myself to settle my eyes
on the floorboards beneath her polished toes
and i tell myself:
another day,
another gender.
I am currently Erotic
I am listening to silence

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365 days later.
11/30/2003 11:09 p.m.
this time last year,
we'd lay with our limbs intertwined
on carpeted floors.
autumn skies and
november smiles made even the coldest breeze
feel like a sun bath.
you were my angel, baby,
and i thought it'd always be that way.
twelve months later
your face is somewhere in car's windshield reflection
and your phone number is just a blur of digits.

i haven't kissed a boy since,
and maybe i'll never kiss one again.
I am currently Mysterious
I am listening to yo-yo ma

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every boy, standing in a line.
11/30/2003 06:37 a.m.
it's tough
because the only way to distract yourself
from someone
is to smother yourself
with everyone else.
and i guess it's been working,
but everything feels so
insincere
compared to everything that i felt for you.
i hate feeling so
base
and so
sexual
but it's so much better than feeing so
hurt
and so
neglected.
I am currently Playful
I am listening to norwegian wood .. the beatles

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we both know how real it can be.
11/29/2003 07:08 a.m.
you gave me a look;
a sort of
half-smile
or dirty grin.
but it was beautiful nonetheless,
and i swore to myself
that i could live off looks like those.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to silence

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a few things on my mind. (fictional.)
11/26/2003 09:35 p.m.
firstly, to boy one:
please keep your mouth closed.
i don't need to hear
how upset i made you when i
didn't smile big enough or i
wasn't nice enough.
maybe you're too preoccupied
wallowing in your self-pity,
but i'm trying to live a happy life
and you are not
[i repeat, not]
helping.

secondly, to boy two:
i'm pretending that i
don't mind when you
don't look.
[aren't i good at pretending?]
but you're on my mind,
and i mind
when you don't look.
sometimes i try to smile at you
(so as to be the nice girl that you need)
but you're never looking.

lastly, to myself:
kill boy one and two.

I am currently Detached
I am listening to yo-yo ma

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note to self: it's about the music.
11/26/2003 04:00 a.m.
i've allowed myself to get so
obsessed
and
distracted
that every note has a new meaning
and every new tempo means a change in heartbeat.
i need to remind myself
the next time that i play:
it's about the music.
it's about the notes, the rhythms,
the harmony, the beauty,
the contrast, the crescendos.
it's not about who's watching,
or who i'll impress,
or who will love me for this
and who won't.
it's not about wishing i was better
or wishing this would earn me something.
it's about the music.
and i won't let anything (or anyone) change that.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to yo-yo ma

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beauty for one.
11/25/2003 08:56 p.m.
if you're not around
i see no reason to be beautiful.
sometimes i feel that i
lose
my
self
when i feel i'm losing you.
when you're in the room with me,
everything about me gets
magnified
(and maybe that's not always a good thing)
mold me into what you like, darling.
take me however you please.
i just want to hear that you love me
(or whoever i am when i'm with you)
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to silence

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please leave my dreams alone.
11/23/2003 08:19 p.m.
i see that you've done everything in your power
to fight my urge to forget you.
i've convinced myself that i don't deserve
the agony and rejection.
if i try my best to not speak to you,
will you please leave my dreams alone?
i don't like seeing you behind my eyes
when i should be dreaming of sweeter things.
I am currently Pathetic
I am listening to "woman" .. maroon 5

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i swoon, i whine.
11/23/2003 08:10 a.m.
i know it's been long enough for me to learn that you
are not worth my time
my energy
my interest
and my passion.
but it's so hard for me to forget you
when you're so brilliant
every day
and so beautiful
every night.
i swoon, i whine,
i miss.
i missed and will continue to miss until i
no longer concern myself with the things you do.
I am currently Obsessive
I am listening to silence

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