you were sunk
02/16/2006 12:40 p.m.
you were sunk
before the ship set sail

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because it's valentine's day
02/15/2006 02:04 a.m.
because it's valentine's day
i feel i should write a poem
in honor of this
plastic rose
99-cent chocolate
hallmark
holiday

i should write
about romance and love
and write stupid rhyming poems
that somehow express
the way i feel
about him,
my valentine

but the truth is
i'm alone this year
and so is he
and i can't even begin
to express in rhyme
the way this makes me feel

six months after he's left
and i'm still not over it
and shit like valentine's day
and stupid flowers
[that i'm allergic to, anyway]
piss me off

i pretend this year
that i'm just fine
by myself
because valentine's day
is just like every other day
where i wait until no one's watching and
cry about him

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heading home
02/11/2006 04:58 a.m.
i
am a horrible
girl

the kind that
makes you think
she's all your's
right until
you get a hold of her
and then she's
out of there
faster than you can
pucker your lips
or
unzip your pants

the type that
keeps you up
all night
whispering into the phone
everything
you want to hear
and then pretending
she never said it

the one who
will get so tired that
she'll curl up
next to you
head on your chest,
and when you lean over
to kiss her
she'll say it's about time
to be heading home

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swimming
02/01/2006 11:58 p.m.
i have these dreams that keep
coming back
where i'm swimming
or diving below
the water
to escape from you

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you love me for selfish reasons
01/22/2006 05:51 a.m.
you love me for selfish reasons

you love me so that you can have
a pretty girl attatched to your arm;
someone who will make you
laugh when you're bored or
smile when you're sad

you love me so that
when you want some hips to
touch
you've got them
and when you want some lips to
kiss
they're waiting for you

you love me for selfish reasons

you don't love me
because you want to make me happy
or change my life

you don't love me
because you want to
keep me safe or be my shelter

you don't love me
beacause you want to
to take care of me;
you want to be taken care of

you love me for selfish reasons

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i am most honest in my poetry
01/15/2006 11:14 p.m.
if i wrote a poem about you
would you think it was creepy
or desperate?
would you laugh
like the others have?

or would you
really listen
to what i had to say?
would you take it in
like a deep breath
and let it fill your lungs?

because i often feel the urge
to cry out to you
but it's been too long and
it's inappropriate
to speak at this point
because i'm expected to have
gotten over this

so i write these poems about you
or if i don't write, i say them in my head
softly, repeatedly,
hoping maybe you'll hear them
and understand me

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my hair is so short i might as well be a boy
01/10/2006 12:08 a.m.
i try not to obsess over vanity but
i can't help feeling undesirable
unfeminine, unbeautiful, improper
because i don't have flowing locks
hugging my shoulders or
curls flowing down my spine

it's funny, isn't it?
that i should feel so
unsubstantial
because of the length of my hair but
i wonder:

if i could use this to my advantage and
lose the makeup
tape down the breasts
and fit in with every
insensitive male idiot

you know, the ones that
make me feel like those girls
with the long hair are
so superior

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remembering you
01/04/2006 04:07 a.m.
remembering you
doesn't make me
sad
right away

remembering you
doesn't make me give a
sigh
full of memories

remembering you
feels more like a weight
that hits me
right in the chest

remembering you
feels as though
i'm in a room
without oxygen and i am slowly
suffocating

remembering you
is a thunderstorm at noon:
it comes, out of nowhere
a horrific gray blanket, thrown over
a blue sky
and it releases
a downpour onto everything, no matter
how dry or undeserving

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i started 2006 with a bad dream
01/01/2006 07:07 p.m.
last night,
god, or
my subconscious mind, or
some other uncontrollable force
gave me
a nightmare

i dreamt i was in his room
digging through his belongings
finding out about his new loves, his new
life

his cat
(which was a kitten last time i saw him)
remembered me
and curled up on my lap
remembering the times that he slept, wedged
between the bodies of two lovers

and his whole family
came in to his room to see me
looking through his drawers;
they said
he's coming home

and he walked in
there i was, unexplainably searching
for details on how his life has changed
without me in it

[he looked at me, mostly with pity]
[he waited for me to leave]

i woke up
sure of the fact
that i am not missed

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christmas, missing you, etc.
12/30/2005 06:04 a.m.
[warning: this is not good or poetic. it's just something i needed to get out.]

i didn't write a poem about you on christmas
[ i was proud of myself for that ]
i figured i could go on and on
about how christmas meant nothing
this year
because i didn't have you

*

i touched his shoulder
a few days ago
saying
"i hope you have a good christmas"
and he just
looked at me

he's been looking me straight in the eyes lately
and
i've wanted to read his glance
i've wanted to lock his gaze
and say
.i miss you.i miss you.i miss you.
but those are three words
i am too strong to say

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