as your life goes by
03/25/2006 06:41 a.m.
it's so painful
to stand
entirely still
and watch
you
as your life
goes by
and continues
without me

it's like i am just
on the bleachers
watching you
change and grow
while i am no longer
a part of any of it

i walk away from you;
a funeral march

things will never be the same

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my mattress
03/20/2006 01:26 p.m.
how can i sleep comfortably alone
with the shape of your body still on my mattress?

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it's a calm evening
03/20/2006 02:58 a.m.
it's a calm evening;
i am cuddled in my bed
next to the cat who's
purring and breathing softly
next to me
and i am reading a book
and enjoying it, for once

and i feel peaceful
but i am expecting a call
at 10pm
and i really don't want to talk

i'd like to just sit here in this
little utopia i've created
because i don't want to hear from him,
anyway

and i'm reading and the cat's asleep
and i think
if he calls early
i will be so furious for his interruption;
i don't want to hear his
concerns and demands
and little-life tragedies that
i am somehow responsible for

9:55pm the phone rings and
i don't pick up

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subtle and continuous
03/16/2006 02:56 a.m.
sometimes i think about
the majesty
of a quick kiss

that one
salty second
of a mouth against
a mouth

i miss when
i could just
kiss you
at any moment
as though you were
waiting for it
at all times

now
i can't take a good look
in your direction;
we will be alone in a room
and not speak a word

now
we are an unspoken tragedy

is it wrong that
5 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days later
i still write about him?
is it wrong that
5 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days after the fact
i still remember the salty second of an
afternoon kiss?

[i try not to talk about it anymore,
and one wants to write about
what they talk about]

so i talk about other boys
and i fancy the pretty things
that walk by

but deep inside of me
is not
anger
or
misery;
just a subtle
and continuous
yearning
for him.

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he used to say these things
03/05/2006 12:23 a.m.
he would say:
you look nice today.
you look nice every day.
i think about you all the time.
i love it when you smile.
and laugh.
sometimes
i don't know what to say when you're around.
i guess i get nervous.

but
you're beautiful.
and motivated.
and unique.
i feel like you get me.
and so many other little things.

and i would think:
damn, i am lucky.

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i am not interesting
03/01/2006 03:24 a.m.
you will never find someone
like me
to be fascinating, interesting,
intriguing

because i am just
so plain

my words
are not artistic
or flowery
they are
honest
which is probably
boring,
i'm sure

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last april
02/22/2006 04:41 a.m.
while driving
i arrived at
a rest stop

and when i walked in
i sensed something
familiar

i had been here before

with you

last april

and i think,
wow.
last april:

we were just the beginning.

we kissed
with innocent mouths
we touched
with virgin hands

we had no idea
the capicity of love
we were capeable of
the incredible balance
of selves
the dynamic chemistry
of us

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the obsessive ex-girlfriend
02/18/2006 11:58 p.m.
i'm armed
and dangerous;
the angry
maniacal
bitch
of his nightmares

i'm sure
when he fell in love with me
he had no idea
what i was
capeable of

and so
he thinks he's
finally escaped
but
i'm holding up a room
with a gun
saying

"backs against the wall.
nobody touch my ex-boyfriend and we can all go home happy."

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i let the other girls touch you
02/17/2006 03:57 a.m.
i let the other girls touch you.
i think it's funny.

they put their hands in your hair
and touch you on your sides
where they think you might be
ticklish, or something stupid
like that

and i laugh.

i'm usually the jealous type.

but i let the other girls touch you.
because i know
that your heart's all mine, anyway.

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you don't love me.
02/17/2006 03:36 a.m.
you don't
love me.

don't lie to yourself.

wanting me
to take you home
and hold you
like a newborn
while you sleep;
that isn't love.

wanting me
to spend my
precious minutes
with my tongue
between your teeth;
that isn't love.

*

[unfinished]

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