note to self, and loved ones
08/05/2008 04:42 a.m.
note to self, and loved ones:
stop trying so hard

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the perfect memory
08/05/2008 01:02 a.m.
everyone i know
obsesses over
the perfect memory:
some time when things were
just how they should be;
no complications
no stress
some sort of blissful utopia

and it seems every minute
is spent in nostalgia
with a sad yearning
beating the drum of their hearts
while they drag their feet
through today

but i ask this
honestly, and with genuine intent,
what's so bad
about right here
and what's so bad
about right now?

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explode, explode
08/05/2008 12:21 a.m.
we all want to be
perfect, but it seems
i
want it
more than most

smiling, or not smiling
depending on which is appropriate,
flipping my hair,
batting my eyelashesit's enough to just make me
explode, explode
into a fine dust made of
nail polish, mascara, hairspray, and
good intentions
because i just want
to be beautiful
but wiser than the rest
i just want to be
the girl who makes you sweat
the one who pulls the desire from
somewhere deep inside you
the one you can't tear your eyes from, but
also the girl who will outsmart you
in a blink
who will tell you what's wrong with you and you'll
know she's right
the girl you'll want to touch but
respect too much to do so
i want to be ideal
i want to be perfect
so that other women don't even exist
in comparison

but the wondrous thing
about perfection
is that it always so pleasantly
unattainable

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let her go
08/03/2008 07:40 p.m.
when i met her, we both liked to draw. after school we'd get together and draw, side by side. "i like yours!" "no, yours is better." the conversation went something like that.

at nine years old, we knew we'd be friends forever.

years went by
[late nights on the phone,
scribbling notes in class,
whispering when talking wasn't allowed]
the conversations evolved
["don't let him break your heart,
you're too good for him," or
"you deserve this,
i believe in you"]

at thirteen years old, we knew we'd be friends forever.

more time passed
and our paths
still parallel
still pointed in the same direction
still with a shared destination;
together we had gone from
girl to teen to woman
from inexperience to maturity
learning life
while the other
shared it with us

at eighteen years old, we knew we'd be friends forever.

when we had to part
there were tears
but she told me
"this is not goodbye!
i promise you i'll be there
for every great moment.
i promise.
trust me, i'm not going anywhere,
this is not goodbye"

[but it was]

somewhere
(when the frequency of our visits decreased
and the phone calls began to cease)
something started to slip
away

the stress, the tragedy
the fear, the abuse
the drugs, the depression
her cry for help
but
where was i?
and where was she, anyway?

fate painted a river
between us; she needed me
but couldn't ask,
i wanted to help but
didn't know how

she knows my mind better than i do.
she shaped who i became.
she was my life support.
the girl who made me me,
well, who is she
now?

beneath her dark voice
beneath the sadness, the uncertainty
beneath all the wrongs that have
been done to her
is the girl that
used to draw pictures with me
at nine years old

but because i can't save herdo i have to let her go?

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humble
07/15/2008 04:55 a.m.
my baby,
he humbles me.

i like it that way.

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poetry wars
07/14/2008 03:28 a.m.
i don't want to be this way anymore:
we're both so
wise with our words
masters of
snappy comebacks and
snide remarks
the king and queen
of jealousy and
vengeance
we could
tear each other apart
with our words
but let's agree
to surrender
that power
and just let love
take care of itself

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i have never known stability
07/14/2008 02:24 a.m.
i don't stay
in the same place
for very long
and it seems i am always
packing for my next destination
or unpacking from where i've been

it hasn't been my choice;
i had to learn
how to adapt,
how to never
get too attached
to great things

consequently,
i have made a lifestyle
out of upheaval

[i never cried about it,
there was no time for tears]

then suddenly, unannounced,
the chaos ceases and
the tides are still.
in the warm security
of his arms
he shows me
what it means to be safe
and what it feels like
to have a home

it was not clear to me
how much i needed it
until i felt it

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not a poem
06/20/2008 05:12 a.m.
i love the way he says i love you

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our life
06/09/2008 04:03 p.m.
what a gift it is
to wake up next to you
to spend the morning with you
to greet the day with you

how lucky i am
to face the world with you
to come home to you
to spend the night with you

i am blessed that
this is no longer my life
but our life

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craving
05/21/2008 01:28 a.m.
the way i miss
the smell of your skin
is subtle, but poignant
and it dances through
my silent subconscious
i let out a sigh

i am not yet wringing my hands,
just twirling my hair
eagerly,
biting my lip
impatiently

there are no words
to describe
the way it feels to have your hands
on my back, or your soft mouth
on the tender skin of my neck
so i wont bother with description
i'll just say
i'm craving it

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