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The Journal of Kalikala Smith pit in the stomach
01/16/2006 11:48 p.m.
This feeling has got me almost naseous,
and I can't figure out why.
There's something there that just wants out,
and I can't let it fly.
I open my mouth to release
and pray that it just goes.
I close my eyes to force it
maybe through my nose.
God
Please
Just
Help
Me
Breathe
Tonight.
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oh dear
05/18/2005 12:25 p.m.
sometimes i can be a real bitch
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hit a rock. not recommended.
05/09/2005 04:05 a.m.
So after my awakening to life in general, I've had a lull in the creative department. Hopefully something will spark it back to life. As for now, I'll keep pretty steady with my crazy boyfriend who has a knack for making me smile no matter what:)
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to slow down beautiful
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ahh, finally
04/25/2005 09:48 p.m.
So this is not very exciting to anyone really, but I'm moving!! And its about time... I was getting so fed up with my roommates that I was going to explode. But now, I don't have to worry about it anymore. I get to live with other people and get frusterated with them! hehe. At least they don't smoke, and they're clean, and the house is on the ocean, and they have a grill, and I'm excited. Yay!!
I am currently Giddy
I am listening to police sirens
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and the greatest of these is love
03/13/2005 03:45 p.m.
***This is an extremely jumbled essay on what I've been thinking about the last couple of months. It is not very coherent. I apologize! It is my humble opinion and I do not want to offend anyone with it. Other than that disclaimer, enjoy the mess!!***
For thousands of years man has existed and spawned dozens of new creations. Electricity, the ability to record sound, automobiles... but it never ceases to amaze me that
even after all these inventions all the wonderful things that we've come to know so well in this world we still rely on the most profound and simple and complex emotion that exists...love.
Throughout time, love has never changed. It binds human nature together like nothing else can. We could survive without our homes, without our precious mp3s, our microwave ovens. What we couldn't survive without is the thing that we all take for granted.
A man without God is a man without love. The creator of the greatest most powerful thing in the world gave the human race something so precious and fulfilling and righteous and true. How can people not see it? How can people turn away from a loving, living God? How does that make sense? Without love we could not exist. Without love we'd be scrounging for our own survival. We'd be selfish beasts incapable of thinking about anything but our own gain. Without love, we would not be where we are today. Don't you see, love is what makes this world work! Its what makes life worth living! There is one thing that no one can deny. Absolutely no one can deny that love is dead. It cannot be proven. Someone somewhere in the world has love. I know I'm spinning around in circles. My point wants to be clear. I want to be able to come out and say what's in my heart, but I'm not the greatest person with words. I'm not... I'll admit that. I just have this need to share this. No matter what is going on in your world... if you are hurt or lonely or scared or suicidal or anything at all... you have to know that there is love out there. There is! It is not something that only the good and "holier than thou" people have when they dutifully go to church every Sunday. Because honestly, the love that founded the church is dying. Its being exploited into rules and regulations and conflicts of interest. It is a sad thing when a whole congregation has to split up because they cannot decide on the color of the carpet in their sanctuary. No, that is not remotely close to love. Love is not the men on Wallstreet that believe if they just make another hundred million, life will be complete. Love is not the people that exploit their bodies to get ahead in the corporate world. I'm not saying that all people in these positions are devoid of love. I want to make it clear that I am not trying to look down on any particular party of the human race. Ahh, my point is this: Anyone, anywhere in the world can have love. No one is more or less deserving. That is not to say that love solves all of life's problems, and that love makes everything bad go away. It does not. But if love can withstand thousands of years of a changing world and still be steadfast, than it can withstand every second of your life. Every single second that you are miserable, happy, honest, care-free, depressed, angry, lustfull, crazy... it doesn't matter. Love does not have any bounds! That is amazing to me. I just wanted to share that with you all. If you're reading this, and you don't believe it, that is totally fine. This is the truth of my heart. I've never been so sappy in my life. I don't believe in sap. It took me twenty two years to admit that I might actually like chick flicks. Last weekend I bought my first pink shirt. I don't wear pink. My waredrobe consists of navy blues, blacks, and dark reds... oh and the lovely color gray. I'm thinking about what I just wrote, and it makes me... well, it makes me realize that I'm not the person that I used to be. Love conquers all. Watch out, it may even get you to wear pink;)
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okay so i'm supposed to be sleeping
03/07/2005 04:11 a.m.
This is just something that I've been thinking about...
God never leaves us. He's closer to us in your time of need that we'll ever know. I love it when people say, "Just smile. Be strong. You'll get through it." Well, what exactly are we supposed to do until the getting through happens? There's only so much grit and bear that we can do. Imagine the people that don't even know there's God to seek? Imagine how they must feel when times get tough. How can they smile? What kind of assurance do they have that life will turn around for the better? Where do they get their inspiration, their serenity, their love? God built this world on love with love for love. To deny God is to deny love. Love is always here with us. Always. Just smile. Be strong. You'll get through it. I don't want to get through it. I want to live, to learn, to grow, to breathe, to cry, to scream, to be human. I want to love and be loved and create love! Life is not something to "get through." Its a double-edged sword of love and madness. God gave me depression, the weird ability to faint randomly, a screwed up father, an over-bearing stepfather, a messed up childhood. God also gave me love. My parents, as screwed up as they are, love me. My brother loves me. My family loves me. My friends love me. My boyfriend loves me. I think of what I have and I know that even though my life is so strange and confusing and crazy and hectic... I have something greater and bigger and more wonderful than any of those problems. I have huge run-on sentences, and LOVE!! Call me a hippie... call me crazy... call me anything you want to. I'm not the happiest person on earth. I'm not the most put together. I'm certainly not the most intelligent. But I have the greatest love, and with that, I can throw all my problems and ailments out the window, or door, or plane, or satilite. Okay, I'm starting to fade in the clarity department. I'm going to bed now.
with love,
-crystal-
I am currently Loved
I am listening to the mass pike
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if there were 5 things in life that i could take w/me in death..
03/01/2005 08:22 a.m.
if there were five things in life
that i could take with me in death
i would have to take...
my dave
a puppy
a piano
chocolate
a comfy blanket
somehow all those things seem pretty... petty... except for my dave. i love my dave. :)
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to cpu hum and the wind outside my window
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music finally means something
02/14/2005 12:37 p.m.
To all that care... I have a gig at the Skybar April 5th at 8:45pm. Be there or be a circle!
I am currently Quiet
I am listening to my heater
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cream of wheat in a stale jar
01/21/2005 10:46 p.m.
the title is about how i feel. i have never had cream of wheat, but i can just picture it loathing itself for looking so gross. again, pretty much how i feel. maybe if i shaved more often, or plucked my eyebrows, or didn't cry so much, or didn't have so many black and blues... maybe i'd be strawberry jello.
I am currently Surreal
I am listening to hum of my cpu
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summer
06/18/2004 02:03 a.m.
so now that's its summer and i don't have a lot of internet access or time... the poems are not as frequent... which sucks cuz i love writing and posting them. alas i don't think it'll be happening for awhile. that's okay. life goes on:(
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to peepers and american toads
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